I am now at http://wordsonmilife.wordpress.com
nothing happened.. just a change...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
ambitions..
'what is ur aspiration?'
'i dont know'
'why?'
'its been different when i was in Cummins, different when in TFDC and when i am here it is different, and with the recent events in my life, i have stopped thinking about it'
'what is stopping you from thinking about it?'
'nothing is'
'then why are u not. you should. you cant stop living'
yes. i cant stop living. but how do i tell you that i am trying to take one day at a time. i told myself.
their expectations from me. the confidence they saw in me. the things i was unable to do. it was laid on the table. in short, i was sweetly told that i am doing nothing other than handling raw materials. ouch. it hurt. it hurt a lot.
'is that true?' i found asking my self. i took care of raw mat, pillar, coa, samples, other non-std requests from the dept, management systems.. but that was before i left. now its just raw mat and management systems. yeah. i guess it is true. and i knew it. i didnt need anyone else to come n tell me that. thats what hurt the most. and on top of that, it was the big b who said it. so the 'guilt?' doubled. i felt like i had betrayed his confidence in me.
ofcourse, these are thoughts after a nights sleep. yesterday, i was very angry. i even refused his offer to drop me home. stupid. i know. but, well.
then in the afternoon i talked to my long lost friend. and it felt good. i cried when i reached home. felt like smashing a glass or something. i didnt, ofcourse. but then, eventually, i calmed down.
i have to make a plan for myself now. to be discussed with the boss on monday. lets see how that goes.
'i dont know'
'why?'
'its been different when i was in Cummins, different when in TFDC and when i am here it is different, and with the recent events in my life, i have stopped thinking about it'
'what is stopping you from thinking about it?'
'nothing is'
'then why are u not. you should. you cant stop living'
yes. i cant stop living. but how do i tell you that i am trying to take one day at a time. i told myself.
their expectations from me. the confidence they saw in me. the things i was unable to do. it was laid on the table. in short, i was sweetly told that i am doing nothing other than handling raw materials. ouch. it hurt. it hurt a lot.
'is that true?' i found asking my self. i took care of raw mat, pillar, coa, samples, other non-std requests from the dept, management systems.. but that was before i left. now its just raw mat and management systems. yeah. i guess it is true. and i knew it. i didnt need anyone else to come n tell me that. thats what hurt the most. and on top of that, it was the big b who said it. so the 'guilt?' doubled. i felt like i had betrayed his confidence in me.
ofcourse, these are thoughts after a nights sleep. yesterday, i was very angry. i even refused his offer to drop me home. stupid. i know. but, well.
then in the afternoon i talked to my long lost friend. and it felt good. i cried when i reached home. felt like smashing a glass or something. i didnt, ofcourse. but then, eventually, i calmed down.
i have to make a plan for myself now. to be discussed with the boss on monday. lets see how that goes.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
My new normal
Borrowed from http://heathermohr.wordpress.com/
MY NEW “NORMAL”
Author Unknown
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and her birthday and survive these days.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal”.
MY NEW “NORMAL”
Author Unknown
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and her birthday and survive these days.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal”.
Monday, December 14, 2009
A man in grief
borrowed fro,http://heathermohr.wordpress.com/loss-songspoems/
It must be difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since “men don’t cry” and “men are strong”
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she’s doing all right
And what she’s going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
“My friend, but how are you?”.
He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But stays strong for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be brave~
He lost his baby too.
It must be difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since “men don’t cry” and “men are strong”
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she’s doing all right
And what she’s going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
“My friend, but how are you?”.
He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But stays strong for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be brave~
He lost his baby too.
Break.
A need a break. from everything. i just want to lie down and read books and eat ready made food. i need a person to take care of my laundry and of the house. i wish i could get a break. things are a whirlwind of activities and slowly this year is coming to a close. by far, in my life of 26 years, this has been the worst year of my life, in terms of our biggest loss. and now this year is coming to a close. i hope that next year brings us joys we yearn for. our kid. in our arms. whole, healthy, happy...
Hope. i have not lost that yet. and i will never lose it.
home front is busy. while i was away for 10 days, it wasnt easy for the husband managing everything. he didnt eat at home even for a single day. there was an inch of dust on every surface i lay my eyes on. loads of laundry.
humph. new project at home. i am teaching the husband to cook. he must atleast be able to take care of himself when i am away.
Office. a mess as well. loads of things to do and pending from my days of absence. the big b was annoyed with me. he was shouting on my boss, but i could understand his direction of annoyance. but, i am making upto it. slowly. and i am making my mark again in the company. i am gaining my lost confidence back. and people are placing their trust back in me. lot of new people around. lot of new energy and also, some tough spots. i struggle to keep patience with some people. i am literally telling myself, 'Patience dear, patience', when i am talking to that person.
Kay is good. her husband is better. he has lost his hearing ability. not entirely. but he is not able to distinguish words. all he hears is noise. doctors say that his sensory nerves are not responding. it was tough on me to see his helplessness. and the helplessness brings back memories of 27th july 2009. helplessness of everyone around me and ofcourse of myself.
people told me that these memories will fade. they have not. they have become stronger with each passing day. i will never get over the loss of my child. i dont want to get over it. Adi is in my thoughts every passing minute and will always be for the rest of my life.
Christmas is going to be in Goa this time. i hope to enjoy and take my mind off the stupid things i keep thinking about. New year is going to be here again. i am thinking of inviting some of the husbands friends. well, i just got the idea, so i will ask him when he comes home.
two days from tomorrow, we have a break out session. we - the STC. will update about that once i am back.
Hope. i have not lost that yet. and i will never lose it.
home front is busy. while i was away for 10 days, it wasnt easy for the husband managing everything. he didnt eat at home even for a single day. there was an inch of dust on every surface i lay my eyes on. loads of laundry.
humph. new project at home. i am teaching the husband to cook. he must atleast be able to take care of himself when i am away.
Office. a mess as well. loads of things to do and pending from my days of absence. the big b was annoyed with me. he was shouting on my boss, but i could understand his direction of annoyance. but, i am making upto it. slowly. and i am making my mark again in the company. i am gaining my lost confidence back. and people are placing their trust back in me. lot of new people around. lot of new energy and also, some tough spots. i struggle to keep patience with some people. i am literally telling myself, 'Patience dear, patience', when i am talking to that person.
Kay is good. her husband is better. he has lost his hearing ability. not entirely. but he is not able to distinguish words. all he hears is noise. doctors say that his sensory nerves are not responding. it was tough on me to see his helplessness. and the helplessness brings back memories of 27th july 2009. helplessness of everyone around me and ofcourse of myself.
people told me that these memories will fade. they have not. they have become stronger with each passing day. i will never get over the loss of my child. i dont want to get over it. Adi is in my thoughts every passing minute and will always be for the rest of my life.
Christmas is going to be in Goa this time. i hope to enjoy and take my mind off the stupid things i keep thinking about. New year is going to be here again. i am thinking of inviting some of the husbands friends. well, i just got the idea, so i will ask him when he comes home.
two days from tomorrow, we have a break out session. we - the STC. will update about that once i am back.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
2 years..
its been exactly 2 years since i joined my current company! amazing.. times flown really fast. it was a whirlwind of things that happened...
memorable 2 years. with highs and lows and anger and happiness and some great career achievements and the biggest personal loss.
few some personal achievements too.. owing the car fully now, new house, first international trip, new friends.. i guess my feelings will flow in the next post where i dont have to hurry and dont have a time limit.
just remembered suddenly when i was having breakfast and thought of noting it, thats why the hurried post.
cya
memorable 2 years. with highs and lows and anger and happiness and some great career achievements and the biggest personal loss.
few some personal achievements too.. owing the car fully now, new house, first international trip, new friends.. i guess my feelings will flow in the next post where i dont have to hurry and dont have a time limit.
just remembered suddenly when i was having breakfast and thought of noting it, thats why the hurried post.
cya
Ahoy India!
finally starting back for home today.. i really really really hope that this journey is uneventful!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Malmo to Gavle
adventerous trip with out company seems a bit boring afterall. u get tired of running around and worrying all by urself.
i booked the ticket to stockholm - gavle yesterday. there was a 19 mins gap between 2 trains.
"will that time be sufficient"
"ma'am, u have 20 mins in between!"
"do the trains get late here?"
and i got a look of disgust. yeah right!
so i was pretty confident i'd make it. the train left on time, and i had full 4 hours to enjoy the ride in X2000. extremely fast. AMAZING.
surprisingly, since i was going north, i was expecting a lot of clouds, darkness, fog. but there came the sun, beautifully bathing everything in its golden warmth. it just felt good. there was little wind (guessing because the trees were still) and there were these puffs of clouds. it felt nice.
then, it was time to reach stockholm. and it didnt. it was exactly 20 mins late. i didnt even have the time to run and catch the train (bollywod style).
i went to the ticket window and asked them to reschedule. luckily they didnt make a fuss. lucky for them as i was ready with a fuss bigger than they wud make. so i got exactly 10 mins to catch the next train. hmm. interesting. i did run for this one. and they had booked me in 2nd K. it was frustrating. but, here too, u recognise the difference immediately in first and second Klass. its too obvious. something similar to what we have in india. the people, dressing style (i cant say languge because i didnt understand shit of that!). it was very very differentiable.
3.30 p.m. and it was already dark outside. there was a lot of fog. and the entire train route was through the pine forest. it was a bit scary. luckily, i understood when they said Gavle, and the train was on time, so i didnt have any problem getting off the train. then came the intense cold. there is a huge difference between cold of Malmo and that of Gavle. unluckily, for me, it isnt snowing! i wud have liked the snow better than the cold.
hotel was not so difficult to find. it is ok. yeah. ok cauz i compare it to Radissons. but i have to stay for just the night, so it is okay. tomorrow morning i am off to see the most talked about paper mill in our factory. i should have been 2 days. but i got only one. its okay. so again, tomorrow night i travel to stockholm, park myself there for a night and get to Lund next day morning. Urgh.
and then again, park my self in malmo for a night and start back to india. finally. i am waiting for wednesday.
Sweden is a beautiful country. but it is lonely to be alone. and with this fiasco, i feel more alone by the minute. there are people around me, who are friendly, but who speak different language. are more beautiful (:P) and have a different culture. so in the end, i am alone, here. but there are people, my people waiting for me back there. now i know what people dont like to live outside their own country!
i loved the idea of staying abroad. but with these 10 days, my perception has changed. ofcourse there is difference being on a business trip alone, and being together with ur family. it is a decision which is not required now.
anyways, so i am waiting for this trip to get over soon..
i booked the ticket to stockholm - gavle yesterday. there was a 19 mins gap between 2 trains.
"will that time be sufficient"
"ma'am, u have 20 mins in between!"
"do the trains get late here?"
and i got a look of disgust. yeah right!
so i was pretty confident i'd make it. the train left on time, and i had full 4 hours to enjoy the ride in X2000. extremely fast. AMAZING.
surprisingly, since i was going north, i was expecting a lot of clouds, darkness, fog. but there came the sun, beautifully bathing everything in its golden warmth. it just felt good. there was little wind (guessing because the trees were still) and there were these puffs of clouds. it felt nice.
then, it was time to reach stockholm. and it didnt. it was exactly 20 mins late. i didnt even have the time to run and catch the train (bollywod style).
i went to the ticket window and asked them to reschedule. luckily they didnt make a fuss. lucky for them as i was ready with a fuss bigger than they wud make. so i got exactly 10 mins to catch the next train. hmm. interesting. i did run for this one. and they had booked me in 2nd K. it was frustrating. but, here too, u recognise the difference immediately in first and second Klass. its too obvious. something similar to what we have in india. the people, dressing style (i cant say languge because i didnt understand shit of that!). it was very very differentiable.
3.30 p.m. and it was already dark outside. there was a lot of fog. and the entire train route was through the pine forest. it was a bit scary. luckily, i understood when they said Gavle, and the train was on time, so i didnt have any problem getting off the train. then came the intense cold. there is a huge difference between cold of Malmo and that of Gavle. unluckily, for me, it isnt snowing! i wud have liked the snow better than the cold.
hotel was not so difficult to find. it is ok. yeah. ok cauz i compare it to Radissons. but i have to stay for just the night, so it is okay. tomorrow morning i am off to see the most talked about paper mill in our factory. i should have been 2 days. but i got only one. its okay. so again, tomorrow night i travel to stockholm, park myself there for a night and get to Lund next day morning. Urgh.
and then again, park my self in malmo for a night and start back to india. finally. i am waiting for wednesday.
Sweden is a beautiful country. but it is lonely to be alone. and with this fiasco, i feel more alone by the minute. there are people around me, who are friendly, but who speak different language. are more beautiful (:P) and have a different culture. so in the end, i am alone, here. but there are people, my people waiting for me back there. now i know what people dont like to live outside their own country!
i loved the idea of staying abroad. but with these 10 days, my perception has changed. ofcourse there is difference being on a business trip alone, and being together with ur family. it is a decision which is not required now.
anyways, so i am waiting for this trip to get over soon..
Friday, November 27, 2009
something more on sweden..
arrival in malmo from Stockholm was totally uneventful. yes, how boring!
my taxi was waiting for me. and luckily for me i was wearing thermals, so it wasnt so bad to enter into malmo.
sweden at night, was nothing special. we do have that kind of roads in India now as well. journey to hotel was about 20 mins. and that was uneventful also.
one problem was that i had secured my luggage with a very reliable lock, and i had lost the key..both the keys... (did i just say smthing like uneventful..?)
so then, i checked in and call in for the housekeeping to help me break my lock.. and then my lock was too thin for their equipment.. wow!
but finally, together we did manage to break that lock and i breathed another sigh of relief. and then i went to my room, which was good. took a luke-warm water bath (no hot water) and then re-arranged my stuff and finally slept for a couple of hours..
it was time immediately to get up and go for breakfast..
first breakfast in Sweden. it was not so bad. i met 3 guys from India. it was good. and then Sam was there. and then i had hired a taxi because i had all my luggage with me and i didnt have time to buy a ticket for the shuttle which had already left.
so we reached our main office in about 20 mins. Met the person there who made all the arrangements for me. and thanks to him i was able to reach malmo on time..
bus was waiting and we were off to Markaryd.
People.. umph..all were staring in the opposite directions.. 'well this is going to be fun!'
but then, when we were in the training center, everything was just fine...
the people from bast mat whom i knew, had arrived, everyone was being friendly, i liked the place (ofcourse those were the photographs i published already!) and i liked my room as well
so, all in all, i was settled!
only regret - when my flight from Mumbai was cancelled, i was being booked in Hyatt! free of cost!!! i missed that.. and i dont know if i will be able to afford a stay in Hyatt in the near future!!
anyways,
so we went for this walk around the lake. it was so peaceful. the silence was defening at first, but then the sounds came.. of the wind, of the water, of the trees.. it was something close to heaven!
and then, we had these evening activities, which was fun ofcourse - self introductions, treasure hunts, games, singing... it was cool. and then ofcourse there was this handsome bloke around for smtime! :)
i really really feel like a stupid, idiot person. anyways,
so all in all, it was great till now. now am back in Malmo and awaiting my next travel on sunday.. will keep posting...
my taxi was waiting for me. and luckily for me i was wearing thermals, so it wasnt so bad to enter into malmo.
sweden at night, was nothing special. we do have that kind of roads in India now as well. journey to hotel was about 20 mins. and that was uneventful also.
one problem was that i had secured my luggage with a very reliable lock, and i had lost the key..both the keys... (did i just say smthing like uneventful..?)
so then, i checked in and call in for the housekeeping to help me break my lock.. and then my lock was too thin for their equipment.. wow!
but finally, together we did manage to break that lock and i breathed another sigh of relief. and then i went to my room, which was good. took a luke-warm water bath (no hot water) and then re-arranged my stuff and finally slept for a couple of hours..
it was time immediately to get up and go for breakfast..
first breakfast in Sweden. it was not so bad. i met 3 guys from India. it was good. and then Sam was there. and then i had hired a taxi because i had all my luggage with me and i didnt have time to buy a ticket for the shuttle which had already left.
so we reached our main office in about 20 mins. Met the person there who made all the arrangements for me. and thanks to him i was able to reach malmo on time..
bus was waiting and we were off to Markaryd.
People.. umph..all were staring in the opposite directions.. 'well this is going to be fun!'
but then, when we were in the training center, everything was just fine...
the people from bast mat whom i knew, had arrived, everyone was being friendly, i liked the place (ofcourse those were the photographs i published already!) and i liked my room as well
so, all in all, i was settled!
only regret - when my flight from Mumbai was cancelled, i was being booked in Hyatt! free of cost!!! i missed that.. and i dont know if i will be able to afford a stay in Hyatt in the near future!!
anyways,
so we went for this walk around the lake. it was so peaceful. the silence was defening at first, but then the sounds came.. of the wind, of the water, of the trees.. it was something close to heaven!
and then, we had these evening activities, which was fun ofcourse - self introductions, treasure hunts, games, singing... it was cool. and then ofcourse there was this handsome bloke around for smtime! :)
i really really feel like a stupid, idiot person. anyways,
so all in all, it was great till now. now am back in Malmo and awaiting my next travel on sunday.. will keep posting...
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Life in sweden...
ummm.. it has been hectic since the time i left home on last saturday night. we made it to the airport quite on time with about 4 hrs to spare (we need to check in 3 hrs early) and then i found the airline counter all right and i waited in the line..
waited and waited and waited... sm problem
"excuse me, what is the problem? why is the line held up?"
"umm.. sorry maam, the flight that was supposed to take off from here, hasnt taken off from Istanbul"
wow! "ok, when will it take off?"
"we are not sure maam, there is zero visibility"
yeah right!!
i waited till 3 in the morning (the flight was supposed to take off at 0525 but it was not there are the Mumbai airport.
"look miss, i have to reach copenhagen today night"
"we are trying to transfer people to another airlines maam. please bear with us"
another half hour. nothing.
i went to the counter and waited there (ofcourse there was a throng of people) and then she gave another booking to smone going to stockholm..
bingo..
"hey, i am ok to go to stockholm too"
"oh, ok.. i will just send u to the counter"
and then i was there waiting. the flight was to leave at 0500 hrs and we were there at the counter till 4.30 doing nothing.
there was this firang girl from stockholm who got really pissed off with them. and then finally they processed our documents, gave us the boarding passes and we went thru the immigrations and security real fast. we made it to the plane ofcourse in the typical bollywood movie style, running!
atlast we were off.. where to?? yeah.. Doha..
then we landed there and took a flight to venece.. Venece.. i was blank. where was that.. and then zap.. it is in switzerland, idiot!
hmm.. swiss chocolates.. and 6 hours of waiting to get to stockholm.. next connecting flight to Malmo, my final destination was at 10.45 and this flight was to land at 9.30.. barely enuf time. and then this flight to stockholm got delayed... ummm.. why with me???????????????
but anyways, i did finally reach to stockholm on time to catch the flight to Malmo. and reached at my hotel at 1.00 p.m. in the night swedish time - same as 5.00 a.m. in India..
aaah.. so in short i travelled mumbai - doha - venece - stockholm - malmo instead of
Mumbai - istanbul - copenhagen
next day we started for Markaryd in a bus from lund. the people were .. well.. umhmmm...
but once the training started, the things changed. i am in sweden at the worst possible time i suppose. winters. it is dark most of the time. when it is light, it is gray light and it is raining. i wont talk about the wind.
three days have passed now. and today i met one more person who is working in Tetra Pak. he is .. AMAZINGLY HANDSOME!
My sweetest, darling husband, you will read this and u will laugh. but after a long time, i have met some one as handsome, so please let me write it so that i can remember. i will show you pictures..
i have a lot of travelling to do before i come back to my home town. and then there are a whole lot of people to meet. so i am going to be darn busy over the next few days.
some pictures i have clicked...
waited and waited and waited... sm problem
"excuse me, what is the problem? why is the line held up?"
"umm.. sorry maam, the flight that was supposed to take off from here, hasnt taken off from Istanbul"
wow! "ok, when will it take off?"
"we are not sure maam, there is zero visibility"
yeah right!!
i waited till 3 in the morning (the flight was supposed to take off at 0525 but it was not there are the Mumbai airport.
"look miss, i have to reach copenhagen today night"
"we are trying to transfer people to another airlines maam. please bear with us"
another half hour. nothing.
i went to the counter and waited there (ofcourse there was a throng of people) and then she gave another booking to smone going to stockholm..
bingo..
"hey, i am ok to go to stockholm too"
"oh, ok.. i will just send u to the counter"
and then i was there waiting. the flight was to leave at 0500 hrs and we were there at the counter till 4.30 doing nothing.
there was this firang girl from stockholm who got really pissed off with them. and then finally they processed our documents, gave us the boarding passes and we went thru the immigrations and security real fast. we made it to the plane ofcourse in the typical bollywood movie style, running!
atlast we were off.. where to?? yeah.. Doha..
then we landed there and took a flight to venece.. Venece.. i was blank. where was that.. and then zap.. it is in switzerland, idiot!
hmm.. swiss chocolates.. and 6 hours of waiting to get to stockholm.. next connecting flight to Malmo, my final destination was at 10.45 and this flight was to land at 9.30.. barely enuf time. and then this flight to stockholm got delayed... ummm.. why with me???????????????
but anyways, i did finally reach to stockholm on time to catch the flight to Malmo. and reached at my hotel at 1.00 p.m. in the night swedish time - same as 5.00 a.m. in India..
aaah.. so in short i travelled mumbai - doha - venece - stockholm - malmo instead of
Mumbai - istanbul - copenhagen
next day we started for Markaryd in a bus from lund. the people were .. well.. umhmmm...
but once the training started, the things changed. i am in sweden at the worst possible time i suppose. winters. it is dark most of the time. when it is light, it is gray light and it is raining. i wont talk about the wind.
three days have passed now. and today i met one more person who is working in Tetra Pak. he is .. AMAZINGLY HANDSOME!
My sweetest, darling husband, you will read this and u will laugh. but after a long time, i have met some one as handsome, so please let me write it so that i can remember. i will show you pictures..
i have a lot of travelling to do before i come back to my home town. and then there are a whole lot of people to meet. so i am going to be darn busy over the next few days.
some pictures i have clicked...
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Dont tell me..
borrowed from http://makennahope.blogspot.com/
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Friday, October 30, 2009
A wait...
Sunday, 25th of october was the day i was planning to spend just lazing around. reading books, watching movies and sleeping.
i got a call in the morning.
"Did kay call you?"
"i can see a missed call. i dont know who called"
"he husband has met with an accident"
"WHAT??"
"yes. he is in the birla hospital. she was crying on the phone. we have to reach there fast"
"i am on my way!"
it was a shock. i started from home. Sunday. rarely i could see any autos. no busses. finally, after a walk of 15 mins, i could find one auto. shareauto. stopping every 2 kms. no change to give back to customers. discussions. "do u have change"
God! i was so pissed. finally reached my stop. a 10 bucks note. "madam, do you have a rupee?".
"Keep the change"
i dashed towards SS car. waiting for me. got in.
"wheres the husband?"
"hes gone to office. i will call him and ask to come over."
i call the husband. he was already at the hospital
"how are you coming?"
"i am with SS. How is he? where is he? hows Kay?"
"i dont know. lets talk once you reach here"
Something was not right. i called again
"is he serious?"
"yes"
"very?"
"looks like"
"what did the doc say?"
"i dont know yet. he is in for a CT"
"we'll reach in 10 mins"
i walk in through the door. kay is sitting there. i sit beside her. she gives a free reign to her tears.
"i saw him. he vomited. there was blood all over. he didnt recognise me. he didnt even talk to me!!"
"shhhhhh.. everthing will be alright!"
what else could i say. i was speechless. shocked. not knowing what to do.
CT done.
doctor said, "he is not as serious as we though. CT is okay. we will shift him into ICU and start the treatment"
wait. wait. wait.
treatment started. and we were sitting outside in the waiting room. the neurosurgeon was to come.
wait. wait. wait.
it was really frustrating.
calls started flooding in. people started coming. finally the doctor said that he will recover fine. though he was unconcious, he will be concious within 7 hours.
wait. wait. wait.
Accident happened at 7.15 in the morning. 9.30 p.m., he was still unconcious. i took kay home. asked her to sleep, which i knew was anyways impossible.
next morning, he was still unconcious. doctor checks him again. there might be a cracked rib penetrating in the lungs. that seems critical too. Another CT.
Second CT normal. Tess came and gave Reki treatment. all were praying to god. i broke my belief too. i prayed too.
"you already have my sons life. return Dev's to him. make him wake up"
i dont know what worked. prayers, medicines, reki. me and kay went to ICU. he has opened his eyes. i talked.
(this was untill tuesday, 27th October 2009)
...........................................
PAUSE.
...........................................
Kay's husband opened his eyes, talked and recognised Kay on 29th October 2009. Things returning to normal now. tension vanished.
Coincidently, 29th october 2009 marked the 3rd month birthday of Aditya. He should have been with us. in our arms. growing, laughing, happy.
but he is not here; with us.
god bless you son. i hope you are happy. whereever u are.
love, Mum.
i got a call in the morning.
"Did kay call you?"
"i can see a missed call. i dont know who called"
"he husband has met with an accident"
"WHAT??"
"yes. he is in the birla hospital. she was crying on the phone. we have to reach there fast"
"i am on my way!"
it was a shock. i started from home. Sunday. rarely i could see any autos. no busses. finally, after a walk of 15 mins, i could find one auto. shareauto. stopping every 2 kms. no change to give back to customers. discussions. "do u have change"
God! i was so pissed. finally reached my stop. a 10 bucks note. "madam, do you have a rupee?".
"Keep the change"
i dashed towards SS car. waiting for me. got in.
"wheres the husband?"
"hes gone to office. i will call him and ask to come over."
i call the husband. he was already at the hospital
"how are you coming?"
"i am with SS. How is he? where is he? hows Kay?"
"i dont know. lets talk once you reach here"
Something was not right. i called again
"is he serious?"
"yes"
"very?"
"looks like"
"what did the doc say?"
"i dont know yet. he is in for a CT"
"we'll reach in 10 mins"
i walk in through the door. kay is sitting there. i sit beside her. she gives a free reign to her tears.
"i saw him. he vomited. there was blood all over. he didnt recognise me. he didnt even talk to me!!"
"shhhhhh.. everthing will be alright!"
what else could i say. i was speechless. shocked. not knowing what to do.
CT done.
doctor said, "he is not as serious as we though. CT is okay. we will shift him into ICU and start the treatment"
wait. wait. wait.
treatment started. and we were sitting outside in the waiting room. the neurosurgeon was to come.
wait. wait. wait.
it was really frustrating.
calls started flooding in. people started coming. finally the doctor said that he will recover fine. though he was unconcious, he will be concious within 7 hours.
wait. wait. wait.
Accident happened at 7.15 in the morning. 9.30 p.m., he was still unconcious. i took kay home. asked her to sleep, which i knew was anyways impossible.
next morning, he was still unconcious. doctor checks him again. there might be a cracked rib penetrating in the lungs. that seems critical too. Another CT.
Second CT normal. Tess came and gave Reki treatment. all were praying to god. i broke my belief too. i prayed too.
"you already have my sons life. return Dev's to him. make him wake up"
i dont know what worked. prayers, medicines, reki. me and kay went to ICU. he has opened his eyes. i talked.
(this was untill tuesday, 27th October 2009)
...........................................
PAUSE.
...........................................
Kay's husband opened his eyes, talked and recognised Kay on 29th October 2009. Things returning to normal now. tension vanished.
Coincidently, 29th october 2009 marked the 3rd month birthday of Aditya. He should have been with us. in our arms. growing, laughing, happy.
but he is not here; with us.
god bless you son. i hope you are happy. whereever u are.
love, Mum.
Memories...
borrowed from http://makennahope.blogspot.com/
If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.
If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
We love you..
A poem i found on another blog.... something which i could relate to for the first time in many months.
thanks for this thought lady. thanks for penning this poem down.
Her blog at - http://emptyarmsopenheart.blogspot.com/
If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again.....
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why......
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know.....
how much we loved you
and still do....
thanks for this thought lady. thanks for penning this poem down.
Her blog at - http://emptyarmsopenheart.blogspot.com/
If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again.....
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why......
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know.....
how much we loved you
and still do....
Friday, October 23, 2009
trip abroad...
I am growing more and more excited and nervous as the days are passing by and the date of my departure to the abroad trip draws to a close. Tess has been very kind and helpful to have made all the arrangements for me including talking to all the people who are deputed there from India. The arrangements made, visa done, tickets ready, i am waiting to pack my bags and go there. it is very beautiful, i heard. the perfect destination for the kind of lifestyle i like (well, that is my guess that i like that kind of lifestyle. the grass is always greener on the other side).
Permanently settling there? no, the husband hates that kind of lifestyle. and i am not ready to leave him. so here i am, in India, the permanent resident. not going to go anywhere!
finally we are settled in the new house. the wait is now for the new member in our family which is not going to happen for another 2 years atleast.
meanwhile, the job is hectic. mine, as well as the husbands too. tomorrow also i have to come to office for some work. but i guess there is some ulterior motive of calling me to work. i dont know what it is. but there must be something, otherwise no one would call me to work on saturday. so its wait and watch.
the list of the 'things to do' for tomorrow was very high. but if the boss calls you for work, you cant say no. so work it is tomorrow. and another holiday gone. Sunday we are all (my side of the family) travelling to our family temple. so that day is hectic too and then comes monday! the start of the week and i have to wait for another 5 days for a relaxing break. well. its life. and i have to do it if i want to earn money. and i need to earn money because i have a huge loan to repay.
to summarize, my weekend is screwed. and next week is very hectic. and currently i do not know how the next week end is going to be?
dont i think too much about tomorrow? must stop doing that!
Permanently settling there? no, the husband hates that kind of lifestyle. and i am not ready to leave him. so here i am, in India, the permanent resident. not going to go anywhere!
finally we are settled in the new house. the wait is now for the new member in our family which is not going to happen for another 2 years atleast.
meanwhile, the job is hectic. mine, as well as the husbands too. tomorrow also i have to come to office for some work. but i guess there is some ulterior motive of calling me to work. i dont know what it is. but there must be something, otherwise no one would call me to work on saturday. so its wait and watch.
the list of the 'things to do' for tomorrow was very high. but if the boss calls you for work, you cant say no. so work it is tomorrow. and another holiday gone. Sunday we are all (my side of the family) travelling to our family temple. so that day is hectic too and then comes monday! the start of the week and i have to wait for another 5 days for a relaxing break. well. its life. and i have to do it if i want to earn money. and i need to earn money because i have a huge loan to repay.
to summarize, my weekend is screwed. and next week is very hectic. and currently i do not know how the next week end is going to be?
dont i think too much about tomorrow? must stop doing that!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A trip to the rural India
the festival of lights - Diwali.
4 days official holidays, and one day personal leave.. i had 5 days to spend in our home, relax, rest..
I hardly did any of those.
the first two days we had gone to visit my grandmum. it was a nice change, for us, for them. weather was good. road was excellent..
the second day was the most memorable one. both for me and for the husband. we went out for a stroll. the husband has never stayed in the rural areas. he was amazed seeing the life, the houses, the roads, the cows and buffaloes.
Since it was diwali, we have a custom of making forts out of mud and sand. the forts are usually of King Shivai Maharaj (in our state atleast). i really do not know, why the custom. but it is there nevertheless and followed all over the state.
so these kids we enjoying making the fort. some had already finished, some were giving the final touches.
the husband ofcourse had his camera with him, and he wanted to click some shots. so he asked a litte boy, of not more than age 10 i guess, who was perched beside his fort, if he could click a photograph. the boy was more than happy to oblige. one photograph and there were atleast a dozen children who queued up for getting their pictures clicked.
there was a hurry of completing the final touches to their forts, a hurry of the mothers who took their kids inside the house to comb their hair, and straighten their clothes and applying face powder and sending them out again to get the photograph clicked.
and then, the husband with his famous 'patience' and the immense will to experiment, went on to click some pictures.. some of them posted below (these are the few i liked!) edited version may follow soon..
The rush to complete the final touches
All the kids with the fort
Another custom.. i do not know what it is, but it looks beautiful, doesnt it?
the girl in the red frock.. she was the most expressive and most photogenic i say..by the way, i clicked this one! :D
Another interesting fort..
The most fascinating part was that the kids were so happy there was someone there who wanted to take their pictures. they were all so expressive and happy. and so innocent.
the life in the rural area is worth being jealous of. they have so little, yet they are so happy. they do not have expectations which hurt them back. the entire village lives together like a big family. they love visitors. they are truly amazed to see the latest gadgets people carry who come from 'metros'. a simple thing that the photograph can be seen immediately on the digital camera was so surprising to all of them.. the kids, the parents, the grandparents..
it was so wonderful to be there.. some moments when i really forgot my worries and sorrows.
so we so plan to make another trip soon enough..
rest of the diwali was spend in the 'metro' where i live. going to placed of all the relatives and eating and eating and eating.. (urghhhh)
now.. the time to exercise.! :P
4 days official holidays, and one day personal leave.. i had 5 days to spend in our home, relax, rest..
I hardly did any of those.
the first two days we had gone to visit my grandmum. it was a nice change, for us, for them. weather was good. road was excellent..
the second day was the most memorable one. both for me and for the husband. we went out for a stroll. the husband has never stayed in the rural areas. he was amazed seeing the life, the houses, the roads, the cows and buffaloes.
Since it was diwali, we have a custom of making forts out of mud and sand. the forts are usually of King Shivai Maharaj (in our state atleast). i really do not know, why the custom. but it is there nevertheless and followed all over the state.
so these kids we enjoying making the fort. some had already finished, some were giving the final touches.
the husband ofcourse had his camera with him, and he wanted to click some shots. so he asked a litte boy, of not more than age 10 i guess, who was perched beside his fort, if he could click a photograph. the boy was more than happy to oblige. one photograph and there were atleast a dozen children who queued up for getting their pictures clicked.
there was a hurry of completing the final touches to their forts, a hurry of the mothers who took their kids inside the house to comb their hair, and straighten their clothes and applying face powder and sending them out again to get the photograph clicked.
and then, the husband with his famous 'patience' and the immense will to experiment, went on to click some pictures.. some of them posted below (these are the few i liked!) edited version may follow soon..
The rush to complete the final touches
All the kids with the fort
Another custom.. i do not know what it is, but it looks beautiful, doesnt it?
the girl in the red frock.. she was the most expressive and most photogenic i say..by the way, i clicked this one! :D
Another interesting fort..
The most fascinating part was that the kids were so happy there was someone there who wanted to take their pictures. they were all so expressive and happy. and so innocent.
the life in the rural area is worth being jealous of. they have so little, yet they are so happy. they do not have expectations which hurt them back. the entire village lives together like a big family. they love visitors. they are truly amazed to see the latest gadgets people carry who come from 'metros'. a simple thing that the photograph can be seen immediately on the digital camera was so surprising to all of them.. the kids, the parents, the grandparents..
it was so wonderful to be there.. some moments when i really forgot my worries and sorrows.
so we so plan to make another trip soon enough..
rest of the diwali was spend in the 'metro' where i live. going to placed of all the relatives and eating and eating and eating.. (urghhhh)
now.. the time to exercise.! :P
Pravs World - Living in you..
sometimes i feel the 'Pravs world' posts for me..!
a thought from the Pravs world...
If it is unreadable from the picutre -
Some things in life never change,
Sometimes in life you don't find reasons,
Some moments in life aren't forgotten,
Sometimes you loose hope...
When time rolls by you to forget
What holds you on...
Some people in life are a part of you,
And when you let them go,
You never lose them.
Because... you find them living in you.
a thought from the Pravs world...
If it is unreadable from the picutre -
Some things in life never change,
Sometimes in life you don't find reasons,
Some moments in life aren't forgotten,
Sometimes you loose hope...
When time rolls by you to forget
What holds you on...
Some people in life are a part of you,
And when you let them go,
You never lose them.
Because... you find them living in you.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Money check!
things change, circumstances change. the house has brought much happiness in our lives. The experience of shopping for the house, buying new things, setting up the house and trying your best to convert it in to a home is simply great. and when it is your first house, the experience becomes wonderful.
with buying a house, there are ofcourse some other things for us middle class people.. a loan, and an monthly installment to pay to the bank. we are just getting used to the idea to see a huge debit in the bank statements. Earlier, all it was a car loan. so the salary was all ours to spend as we wished. now, we have to think before we even spend a thousand bucks! Gosh!
but this experience is teaching. My aunt used to say, always, you have to have a loan on your head. If you have a loan, you will automatically work hard. yes, now i agree. i know i have to perform my best (not that i didnt perform my best earlier, but now it will be a conscience effort!) because i want a good salary rise and a good bonus at the end of year. why? because i want to repay my loan as soon as possible. its simple!
new house has given us a greater sense of responsibility and freedom. many of our friends / acquaintences / colleagues have visited us already. everyone of them loved this place. the terrace itself gives such a beautiful view! Yesterday Big B visited me. He was here to drop me off on his way back from the office. he liked the place too.
and then ofcourse, next month i am going abroad! :D
earlier i was not so enthu. but now i am looking forward to it. my stay has already been extended by 4 days. there are chances, it will still be extended by 2 more. and then, i might go to our other factory in the south-east asia sometime in the next six months. i am being given a lot of opportunity. i guess, i might be escalated in the heirarchy within the next couple of years.
after i re-joined office, i was happy that i was welcomed back. and then you become happy again to see that people are relieved when you are back. people actually say that now you are back, everything will start to be fine in your department. well, yes, that actually happened. people missed me. i am glad i could make that place in the minds of people within a year and half.
i love my job, i love my simple life, i love my lovely house. everything has indeed been good for me in the past couple of months except ofcourse for the fact that i lost my child. the grief, still overshadows the good things that are happening.
Strangely enough, i can talk with other people about my kid with exceptionally strange ease. i dont get emotional. but when i am alone, the thought never leaves my mind, and the tears never leave my eyes. it is probably because the pain, both physical and mental, and the grief is one memory i have of my son. and the memory is just mine. i dont want to share it with no one. no one at all..
anyways, like i said, i will be posting some pictures of the house. here they are, of my favourite place in the world (the view from our terrace) and our living room. i have not yet taken photographs of the bedrooms because they are not yet set up completely. so those photos will come later..
till then, have a look at these!
The living room..
The entrance of the house.. i love this frame of Lord Ganesh..
The view from the terrace..
The sunset, seen from the terrace..
with buying a house, there are ofcourse some other things for us middle class people.. a loan, and an monthly installment to pay to the bank. we are just getting used to the idea to see a huge debit in the bank statements. Earlier, all it was a car loan. so the salary was all ours to spend as we wished. now, we have to think before we even spend a thousand bucks! Gosh!
but this experience is teaching. My aunt used to say, always, you have to have a loan on your head. If you have a loan, you will automatically work hard. yes, now i agree. i know i have to perform my best (not that i didnt perform my best earlier, but now it will be a conscience effort!) because i want a good salary rise and a good bonus at the end of year. why? because i want to repay my loan as soon as possible. its simple!
new house has given us a greater sense of responsibility and freedom. many of our friends / acquaintences / colleagues have visited us already. everyone of them loved this place. the terrace itself gives such a beautiful view! Yesterday Big B visited me. He was here to drop me off on his way back from the office. he liked the place too.
and then ofcourse, next month i am going abroad! :D
earlier i was not so enthu. but now i am looking forward to it. my stay has already been extended by 4 days. there are chances, it will still be extended by 2 more. and then, i might go to our other factory in the south-east asia sometime in the next six months. i am being given a lot of opportunity. i guess, i might be escalated in the heirarchy within the next couple of years.
after i re-joined office, i was happy that i was welcomed back. and then you become happy again to see that people are relieved when you are back. people actually say that now you are back, everything will start to be fine in your department. well, yes, that actually happened. people missed me. i am glad i could make that place in the minds of people within a year and half.
i love my job, i love my simple life, i love my lovely house. everything has indeed been good for me in the past couple of months except ofcourse for the fact that i lost my child. the grief, still overshadows the good things that are happening.
Strangely enough, i can talk with other people about my kid with exceptionally strange ease. i dont get emotional. but when i am alone, the thought never leaves my mind, and the tears never leave my eyes. it is probably because the pain, both physical and mental, and the grief is one memory i have of my son. and the memory is just mine. i dont want to share it with no one. no one at all..
anyways, like i said, i will be posting some pictures of the house. here they are, of my favourite place in the world (the view from our terrace) and our living room. i have not yet taken photographs of the bedrooms because they are not yet set up completely. so those photos will come later..
till then, have a look at these!
The living room..
The entrance of the house.. i love this frame of Lord Ganesh..
The view from the terrace..
The sunset, seen from the terrace..
Saturday, September 26, 2009
everything will be fine for you soon....
my friend delivered a baby girl in september.. it was close to my heart because i was supposed to on 10th september and her due date was 11th sept. it was just a day apart...
'everything will be fine for you soon...' she said when i told her about me.
yes.. everything will be fine..
i have started my job, the husband has started his job, we are settled in our new house. the FIL is not talking to the husband (does anyone see me complaining?). the in-laws (none of them) have to come to see our new place inspite of inviting them over and over again. well, yes, everything is normal, for everyone.
the loss was after all ours. and we have learned to live with it because we cant do anything else. its the deepest feeling of helplessness. and it is very annoying.
as for me, i cant wait to become a mother.. people have suggested we should take a break for a year. i agree too. but its just that i cant wait to be a mother. i cant wait for some one to call me 'mum'
home front, its really busy.. i hardly get time for anything. but on priority i need to start to exercise. i need to lose weight. the aftereffects of an unsuccessful pregnancy have started showing. My asthema which had disappeared about 5 years ago has come back with a bang. i spend sleepless nights just because i cant breathe!
my feet are swollen. my body still aches. i still get tired very easily.
healing is indeed a very slow process, but i need to speed that up. and for that, i now need to exercise.
office is good. i havent been yet 'officially' given the major responsibilities. though it wont be long now. i will be travelling abroad in late november. my first out of country tour. its exciting. but there is also a lot of anxiety, because it is going to be very cold there. and with my asthema, i hope i will be able to survive!
the husband is doing good. he gets late everyday. yes. it is irritating. even now, i am waiting for him to come home and talk to him, which we get to do rarely now a days.
isnt my life the most sadistic!
well. i do plan to bring about some changes.. very fast.
the new house is a major catalyst for that.
meanwhile we had gone to a place called Kaas... some photos from there.. its all the hubands work... i just went with him and kept a lot of patience when he was away clicking photographs...
'everything will be fine for you soon...' she said when i told her about me.
yes.. everything will be fine..
i have started my job, the husband has started his job, we are settled in our new house. the FIL is not talking to the husband (does anyone see me complaining?). the in-laws (none of them) have to come to see our new place inspite of inviting them over and over again. well, yes, everything is normal, for everyone.
the loss was after all ours. and we have learned to live with it because we cant do anything else. its the deepest feeling of helplessness. and it is very annoying.
as for me, i cant wait to become a mother.. people have suggested we should take a break for a year. i agree too. but its just that i cant wait to be a mother. i cant wait for some one to call me 'mum'
home front, its really busy.. i hardly get time for anything. but on priority i need to start to exercise. i need to lose weight. the aftereffects of an unsuccessful pregnancy have started showing. My asthema which had disappeared about 5 years ago has come back with a bang. i spend sleepless nights just because i cant breathe!
my feet are swollen. my body still aches. i still get tired very easily.
healing is indeed a very slow process, but i need to speed that up. and for that, i now need to exercise.
office is good. i havent been yet 'officially' given the major responsibilities. though it wont be long now. i will be travelling abroad in late november. my first out of country tour. its exciting. but there is also a lot of anxiety, because it is going to be very cold there. and with my asthema, i hope i will be able to survive!
the husband is doing good. he gets late everyday. yes. it is irritating. even now, i am waiting for him to come home and talk to him, which we get to do rarely now a days.
isnt my life the most sadistic!
well. i do plan to bring about some changes.. very fast.
the new house is a major catalyst for that.
meanwhile we had gone to a place called Kaas... some photos from there.. its all the hubands work... i just went with him and kept a lot of patience when he was away clicking photographs...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
An object of sympathy..
a lot of people knew that i was on maternity leave. and now when i meet them, they give a big smile, congratulate me and ask if its a girl or a boy.
'i had a still born delivery', i say.
'Oh', the first reply
'i am sorry to hear that!', the second one...
some how it is not very difficult to tell this to acquaintences. i dont break down. i look into their eyes when i tell what happened. my eyes do not fill with tears.
but all the more, as the days pass, i miss my baby more and more. the sorrow deepens and i realise that no matter how many children i have in my later life, my first son (i wanted to name him Aditya) will always hold a very special place in my heart. He will always be in my memory. i might name my next son, Aditya, after my first.
'but its all upto u em, uve been given the right to lead ur life...lead it as u wish
and try to stop blaming others. sorry if that sounds harsh', says my friend, whom i have not met till date but have talked to 'n' number of times about all the things... his chat window is the venting place for me.. he says..
i dont really remember when i have blamed anything on other people. good or bad, i have always owned my actions. i have done what i want. because, then the life i make, i know, is because of me and no one else. so i am happy.
i did make some wrong decisions. and i will not repeat them. but i am happy about everything that happened with me. all the people i met, all the decisions i took, i am happy.
Sunday was good. in the evening, i accompanied the husband to the place where his parents are building a house. i did expect something nice and classy. but what i saw was a shock! well, one mistake i make again and again.. i expect!
i do have to stop doing that. anyways,
so, this place is in a rural area and its an open plot which is meant for a farmhouse. When i imagine a farmhouse, i always imagine a cosy little space, warm, probably where we would make a lot of use of wood, a nice fireplace, thick curtains and a carpet.. a wooden floor...
but what has been built is of concrete, and with huge rooms and... well...
i can understand, think big! but u should know where and how to make use of thinking big! its a complete waste of money as far as me and the husband are concerned. we would never go and stay in that place. probably just a weekend or two. and may be it would be just the husband who goes there..
but ofcourse the in-laws might like it.. you know,they think, the bigger some thing is, the more grand it is. none of my concern though. its their land and their money. i dont care any more. i did. for the husband. i still sometimes think i should. but as they say, do not repeat your mistakes. i will not repeat this mistake.
anyways, i got a lot of work to do. got to go...
'i had a still born delivery', i say.
'Oh', the first reply
'i am sorry to hear that!', the second one...
some how it is not very difficult to tell this to acquaintences. i dont break down. i look into their eyes when i tell what happened. my eyes do not fill with tears.
but all the more, as the days pass, i miss my baby more and more. the sorrow deepens and i realise that no matter how many children i have in my later life, my first son (i wanted to name him Aditya) will always hold a very special place in my heart. He will always be in my memory. i might name my next son, Aditya, after my first.
'but its all upto u em, uve been given the right to lead ur life...lead it as u wish
and try to stop blaming others. sorry if that sounds harsh', says my friend, whom i have not met till date but have talked to 'n' number of times about all the things... his chat window is the venting place for me.. he says..
i dont really remember when i have blamed anything on other people. good or bad, i have always owned my actions. i have done what i want. because, then the life i make, i know, is because of me and no one else. so i am happy.
i did make some wrong decisions. and i will not repeat them. but i am happy about everything that happened with me. all the people i met, all the decisions i took, i am happy.
Sunday was good. in the evening, i accompanied the husband to the place where his parents are building a house. i did expect something nice and classy. but what i saw was a shock! well, one mistake i make again and again.. i expect!
i do have to stop doing that. anyways,
so, this place is in a rural area and its an open plot which is meant for a farmhouse. When i imagine a farmhouse, i always imagine a cosy little space, warm, probably where we would make a lot of use of wood, a nice fireplace, thick curtains and a carpet.. a wooden floor...
but what has been built is of concrete, and with huge rooms and... well...
i can understand, think big! but u should know where and how to make use of thinking big! its a complete waste of money as far as me and the husband are concerned. we would never go and stay in that place. probably just a weekend or two. and may be it would be just the husband who goes there..
but ofcourse the in-laws might like it.. you know,they think, the bigger some thing is, the more grand it is. none of my concern though. its their land and their money. i dont care any more. i did. for the husband. i still sometimes think i should. but as they say, do not repeat your mistakes. i will not repeat this mistake.
anyways, i got a lot of work to do. got to go...
Monday, September 14, 2009
I miss him...
We visited the factory on a weekend (shop floor was working) and paid a surprised visit to check if people are aware and are following the rules. i was not really keen on coming, but K insisted and i could not say no. nothing was really out of the place so, suddenly i started feeling that the visit was all the more a waste!
after my delivery, i didnt speak to anyone except my parents and the husband for over a fortnight. then i realised that the more i postpone speaking to other people, the more difficult it would be. people avoid mentioning this subject to me, but i feel, are sometimes also keen to know about what happened, from my mouth, in my words. people are judging me, testing me to see how i react to various situation and subjects. they will be satisfied if they see me sad and gloomy and crying other than the smiling, happy me.. i think..
while coming to the factory we went to Sops house. She is my colleague who delivered a baby girl 6 months ago.. She left for her maternity leave, and i was just in my first trimester. K was with us. She was observing me, carefully when i was holding Sops baby to see my reactions.
what should i do? just breakdown in front of everyone? cry aloud? so people will understand the pain and sorrow we are going through!
everytime i will see all the kids of the girls i know who have delivered during this period, i will always think that if everything would have gone right, my son would be the same age that these kids are, and everytime i will lapse into the future of my dead son.
if only he was alive... if only!
i miss the kicks and prods of him in my womb. i miss talking to him day and night and telling him what all happened. i miss being not able to sleep till 11 p.m. at night because my son used to be awake till that time, inside me. i miss being woken up at 7.00 a.m. sharp because my son used to wake up at that time...
i miss being pregnant. i miss the wait of the nine months to hold my baby. i miss my son, whom i didnt hold, even once.......
after my delivery, i didnt speak to anyone except my parents and the husband for over a fortnight. then i realised that the more i postpone speaking to other people, the more difficult it would be. people avoid mentioning this subject to me, but i feel, are sometimes also keen to know about what happened, from my mouth, in my words. people are judging me, testing me to see how i react to various situation and subjects. they will be satisfied if they see me sad and gloomy and crying other than the smiling, happy me.. i think..
while coming to the factory we went to Sops house. She is my colleague who delivered a baby girl 6 months ago.. She left for her maternity leave, and i was just in my first trimester. K was with us. She was observing me, carefully when i was holding Sops baby to see my reactions.
what should i do? just breakdown in front of everyone? cry aloud? so people will understand the pain and sorrow we are going through!
everytime i will see all the kids of the girls i know who have delivered during this period, i will always think that if everything would have gone right, my son would be the same age that these kids are, and everytime i will lapse into the future of my dead son.
if only he was alive... if only!
i miss the kicks and prods of him in my womb. i miss talking to him day and night and telling him what all happened. i miss being not able to sleep till 11 p.m. at night because my son used to be awake till that time, inside me. i miss being woken up at 7.00 a.m. sharp because my son used to wake up at that time...
i miss being pregnant. i miss the wait of the nine months to hold my baby. i miss my son, whom i didnt hold, even once.......
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
If only...
Everything is just the same at work. its like a typical hindi or marathi soap... it goes on for years and years. even if you stop watching it for a couple of months, and then try to watch it again, it is very easy to pick up the happenings, cauz nothing really would have changed. same is with the office. nothings changed...
i have come a long way. the past nine months were equivalent to a lifetime for me... today is 8th sept... if everything would have been okay, i would be 2 days away from my due date. 10th september......... well, so was not to be..
the more time i spend alone, the thoughts have started coming back with a bang...
the questions... why us?
the guilt... all the times i was angry, i was irritated and the times when i troubled myself mentally during my pregnancy
the helplessness... i could do nothing to prevent it from happening
the anger... towards all those people who should have, but didnt care
the anger... towards myself of not having taken the strong decisions at the right time...
the future... would this happen again?
all that think of is, if only...............!! if only...
i am trying to be busy. trying to think of something else. trying to think of a bright future. trying to think of work. but the sorrow still remains, as severe and as deep as it was on the day i learnt of my sons death.
we shifted out of my mom's house. the move was very difficult. i was to shift out with my husband and my child.. we moved out, but just the two of us... temporarily we are staying in the inlaws house. a decision which i was not really for. we will move out by 20th. most of the things have been shifted. we just need to buy a few things and get the fittings done in our home....
our home... at last... a place which i can call my own.. a place where no one will come and tell me or my husband, 'this is our house. you dont have any right here'
a place to which i can finally connect with...
the impatience is mounting. i cant wait to move in.. in OUR home.
i have come a long way. the past nine months were equivalent to a lifetime for me... today is 8th sept... if everything would have been okay, i would be 2 days away from my due date. 10th september......... well, so was not to be..
the more time i spend alone, the thoughts have started coming back with a bang...
the questions... why us?
the guilt... all the times i was angry, i was irritated and the times when i troubled myself mentally during my pregnancy
the helplessness... i could do nothing to prevent it from happening
the anger... towards all those people who should have, but didnt care
the anger... towards myself of not having taken the strong decisions at the right time...
the future... would this happen again?
all that think of is, if only...............!! if only...
i am trying to be busy. trying to think of something else. trying to think of a bright future. trying to think of work. but the sorrow still remains, as severe and as deep as it was on the day i learnt of my sons death.
we shifted out of my mom's house. the move was very difficult. i was to shift out with my husband and my child.. we moved out, but just the two of us... temporarily we are staying in the inlaws house. a decision which i was not really for. we will move out by 20th. most of the things have been shifted. we just need to buy a few things and get the fittings done in our home....
our home... at last... a place which i can call my own.. a place where no one will come and tell me or my husband, 'this is our house. you dont have any right here'
a place to which i can finally connect with...
the impatience is mounting. i cant wait to move in.. in OUR home.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Empty Days...
These days were supposed to be full of fun and the exciting wait. though, it all ended in a matter of moments...
all i am doing now is to wait. wait for 15 more days when i have my checkup and then i am allowed to go out.
wait to find a house which fits our liking and our budget. wait to finalize the deal. wait to move into our own house.
wait to rejoin the company. wait, wait, wait.....
i wont be going back to that house where i used to live, probably ever. and i prefer it that way. i prefer to be on my own now. and that way it will be.
all the tension, worries, emotional turmoil i went through for the last 9 months seems so worthless now.... ofcourse, i have had to pay a very price for all that... a very heavy price...
the house is definitely on the cards now. i am not very proud of reaching this milestone. it will always remind me of what it has cost us to achieve it. and of the fact that it was a bit late... a bit too late...
all i am doing now is to wait. wait for 15 more days when i have my checkup and then i am allowed to go out.
wait to find a house which fits our liking and our budget. wait to finalize the deal. wait to move into our own house.
wait to rejoin the company. wait, wait, wait.....
i wont be going back to that house where i used to live, probably ever. and i prefer it that way. i prefer to be on my own now. and that way it will be.
all the tension, worries, emotional turmoil i went through for the last 9 months seems so worthless now.... ofcourse, i have had to pay a very price for all that... a very heavy price...
the house is definitely on the cards now. i am not very proud of reaching this milestone. it will always remind me of what it has cost us to achieve it. and of the fact that it was a bit late... a bit too late...
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
The Demise...
those were the words in the USG report that struck like a knife plunged straight into the heart.
my baby hadnt moved for about 12 hours. i was not alarmed really. i just thought the movements were clashing with my sleeping pattern and i was waiting for the baby to move. i was at my mom's when i mentioned this to her. she panicked. 'call the gynac now!'
really! there was no reason to panic! me and the husband exchanged exasperated looks. still, i called the hospital and we went over. the doctor was not in, so we waited. having had a good lunch, i was feeling asleep. the doctor came in. i went in for a check up. he tried to listen to the heart beats by some doppler machine. he tried and tried but was unsuccessful. having seen my case file, he said, it is difficult to listen to the heart beats if the baby is in the prostrate position. well, ok, i said. afterall, all my reports to date were entirely normal. i had my routine check up just 6 days back. so what would go wrong suddenly? we came back. though a small nagging had begun in my head, i still convinced myself that everything was normal. we went for a re-checkup the next day where again there was an unsuccessful attempt of listening to the baby's heartbeat. i was still not alarmed. the doctor asked us to do a USG that evening to get a clear picture.
we went back to the clinic to do the USG. the doctor there didnt tell us anything. he just said, i will give the report in 5 mins. we took the report, went to the hospital. while waiting to see the doctor, we read the report. it announced that there was no cardiac activity, the fetus appeared crumpled and an inter uterine demise was suggested.
the husband snapped shut the report. i couldn't breathe. for the first time in my life i knew what an emotional shock felt like. no tears came till i actually understood what the report said. 5 mins we were waiting in a room full of happy couples, all would be parents, with a 8 month old fetus in my stomach who was now pronounced dead. it felt like an eternity till the time the doctor called us in. i was admitted in the hospital the same evening. next day we had a repeat USG to confirm the report. there was no miracle waiting to happen. the report was confirmed.
Tuesday, 28th july 2009, i was given a pill to induce labor. it started well within 4 hours. i always wanted a normal delivery. and here i was, in labor, progressing towards a normal delivery. the pains became unbearable by 8 p.m. the doctor said delivery would happen by the next morning. i still had atleast 10 hours before i would eventually deliver, that too if the tablet kept its effect and the labor continued. otherwise they would administer another tablet the next day.
at 11 p.m. the dilation was still 10% only. i wouldnt mind the pain, but the pain combined with a heart full of sorrow, was a little too much to handle. it might sound dramatic, but at one point i really thought, death would be better....
'cant we do a Cesarean and get over with it?' i told my mum to ask the doctor.
'no', he said, 'we will wait till morning and decide at 6.00 a.m.'
'alright, you have to go through this' i told my self. every 5 mins felt like an hour. at 2.00 a.m., it was impossible for me to even lie down. i tried sitting, standing, walking, nothing helped. my legs were paining. my mom stayed up with me from 2.00 a.m. to 4.00 a.m. massaging my legs, my back and trying to get me through it. the contraction that came at 4.00 a.m. lasted and lasted and lasted. mom called the nurse. i was taken to the delivery room. the doctor announced that i was 80% dilated and would deliver in half an hour. the physical pain ended at 4.50 a.m. on the morning of 29th of July 2009. i delivered a boy. he didnt even breath once.
i felt strangely calm after the delivery. i talked with the doctor. i asked him, 'would this repeat if i decide to take another chance?' 'no' he said, 'there was a very little chance that it would'.
i was brought to my room. the husband was there waiting for me. he looked at me, he smiled, and i smiled back.
the baby was to be taken, away, to a cemetery. i could hear a lot of commotion outside. i was lying in my bed thinking if i should see the baby. i thought everyone will shout me down if i ask to see the baby. so i just decided not to without even demanding to be allowed. and i have regretted my decision ever since. and i will regret the decision for my entire life. the husband took the baby. they buried him. when he came back he looked as if he had suffered a hundred battles. i cant imagine what he must have felt carrying his dead son in his arms and laying him on the ground to be buried. the husband has promised me that he will take me to the place. he informed all the close people. requested them not to come and meet me.
my brother in law and my sister in law were there the whole time with us. whatever differences there might be, i will never forget in my entire life that they were there for us during our difficult time.
weak as i was, i was still discharged the next day. i preferred it that way. i preferred to be at home.
the shock and sorrow were over. then came the pain. it is still difficult to go through the month. all the dates will come and go by.
3rd august - beginning of my ninth month when i was supposed to shift to my mom's.
15-16th august - the two days me and the husband were planning to spend together, just us.... probably the rare time we would get for ourselves before the baby was born, we thought...
22nd august - the day i wanted my baby to be born. whole, healthy and alive.
10th September - my due date.
mid November - the baby's naming ceremony.
the bubble of my dreams, of my happiness burst and left me with nothing. i didnt even hold my baby.
my perfect little family........... i dont know what to say..... it is still a dream....
my baby hadnt moved for about 12 hours. i was not alarmed really. i just thought the movements were clashing with my sleeping pattern and i was waiting for the baby to move. i was at my mom's when i mentioned this to her. she panicked. 'call the gynac now!'
really! there was no reason to panic! me and the husband exchanged exasperated looks. still, i called the hospital and we went over. the doctor was not in, so we waited. having had a good lunch, i was feeling asleep. the doctor came in. i went in for a check up. he tried to listen to the heart beats by some doppler machine. he tried and tried but was unsuccessful. having seen my case file, he said, it is difficult to listen to the heart beats if the baby is in the prostrate position. well, ok, i said. afterall, all my reports to date were entirely normal. i had my routine check up just 6 days back. so what would go wrong suddenly? we came back. though a small nagging had begun in my head, i still convinced myself that everything was normal. we went for a re-checkup the next day where again there was an unsuccessful attempt of listening to the baby's heartbeat. i was still not alarmed. the doctor asked us to do a USG that evening to get a clear picture.
we went back to the clinic to do the USG. the doctor there didnt tell us anything. he just said, i will give the report in 5 mins. we took the report, went to the hospital. while waiting to see the doctor, we read the report. it announced that there was no cardiac activity, the fetus appeared crumpled and an inter uterine demise was suggested.
the husband snapped shut the report. i couldn't breathe. for the first time in my life i knew what an emotional shock felt like. no tears came till i actually understood what the report said. 5 mins we were waiting in a room full of happy couples, all would be parents, with a 8 month old fetus in my stomach who was now pronounced dead. it felt like an eternity till the time the doctor called us in. i was admitted in the hospital the same evening. next day we had a repeat USG to confirm the report. there was no miracle waiting to happen. the report was confirmed.
Tuesday, 28th july 2009, i was given a pill to induce labor. it started well within 4 hours. i always wanted a normal delivery. and here i was, in labor, progressing towards a normal delivery. the pains became unbearable by 8 p.m. the doctor said delivery would happen by the next morning. i still had atleast 10 hours before i would eventually deliver, that too if the tablet kept its effect and the labor continued. otherwise they would administer another tablet the next day.
at 11 p.m. the dilation was still 10% only. i wouldnt mind the pain, but the pain combined with a heart full of sorrow, was a little too much to handle. it might sound dramatic, but at one point i really thought, death would be better....
'cant we do a Cesarean and get over with it?' i told my mum to ask the doctor.
'no', he said, 'we will wait till morning and decide at 6.00 a.m.'
'alright, you have to go through this' i told my self. every 5 mins felt like an hour. at 2.00 a.m., it was impossible for me to even lie down. i tried sitting, standing, walking, nothing helped. my legs were paining. my mom stayed up with me from 2.00 a.m. to 4.00 a.m. massaging my legs, my back and trying to get me through it. the contraction that came at 4.00 a.m. lasted and lasted and lasted. mom called the nurse. i was taken to the delivery room. the doctor announced that i was 80% dilated and would deliver in half an hour. the physical pain ended at 4.50 a.m. on the morning of 29th of July 2009. i delivered a boy. he didnt even breath once.
i felt strangely calm after the delivery. i talked with the doctor. i asked him, 'would this repeat if i decide to take another chance?' 'no' he said, 'there was a very little chance that it would'.
i was brought to my room. the husband was there waiting for me. he looked at me, he smiled, and i smiled back.
the baby was to be taken, away, to a cemetery. i could hear a lot of commotion outside. i was lying in my bed thinking if i should see the baby. i thought everyone will shout me down if i ask to see the baby. so i just decided not to without even demanding to be allowed. and i have regretted my decision ever since. and i will regret the decision for my entire life. the husband took the baby. they buried him. when he came back he looked as if he had suffered a hundred battles. i cant imagine what he must have felt carrying his dead son in his arms and laying him on the ground to be buried. the husband has promised me that he will take me to the place. he informed all the close people. requested them not to come and meet me.
my brother in law and my sister in law were there the whole time with us. whatever differences there might be, i will never forget in my entire life that they were there for us during our difficult time.
weak as i was, i was still discharged the next day. i preferred it that way. i preferred to be at home.
the shock and sorrow were over. then came the pain. it is still difficult to go through the month. all the dates will come and go by.
3rd august - beginning of my ninth month when i was supposed to shift to my mom's.
15-16th august - the two days me and the husband were planning to spend together, just us.... probably the rare time we would get for ourselves before the baby was born, we thought...
22nd august - the day i wanted my baby to be born. whole, healthy and alive.
10th September - my due date.
mid November - the baby's naming ceremony.
the bubble of my dreams, of my happiness burst and left me with nothing. i didnt even hold my baby.
my perfect little family........... i dont know what to say..... it is still a dream....
Monday, July 20, 2009
The show.....
Finally, i got my wish to see the Rahmania show again before my delivery. i dont know when the next show is going to be again, and i am sure i will not be able to attend that if it does happen anytime within the next 5-6 months. Rahmania and Harry Potter movie are the two things i want to watch before i go into labor (yeah.. as if the folks and the husband are going to allow me to go out in such crowded places once i enter the final month!!) cauz i know i will sourly miss these two things if they are happening at any place and i am not able to go.
well, the show was good. though i felt it did lack some luster because of the absence of a particular Mr. Jasraj Joshi who plays a good part to make the stage more lively, though the entire troupe did a very good job. it was worth the money we spent (which we actually wouldnt have, if i would not have been in the delicate condition. we would have waited for the next show! :)) and the distance we had travelled. for the first time in my life i went the Chinchwad to watch a show.
so now that leaves the 6th HP movie to be watched which we are planning to see next sunday, and that would complete my 'entertainment' wishlist b4 the baby is born.
the preparation for the arrival is not yet started. it will be sometime after a month that we will be starting the preparations. getting the clothes and the crib and stuff. for now i can just say that i am getting bigger and bigger each day. though i yet do not have had the necessity of buying large clothes for myself. well, that should tell you how plump (i deliberately avoid using the word fat! ;P) i was before the pregnancy. a lot of care and other things prevented the weight gain that happens in the early pregnancy. and that has lead me to gain only a couple of kilos till date. well ofcourse my and the baby's vital signs are all okay. so there was no compromise on the health!
i have now come back to my in-laws house for about 10 days. then i and the husband will be off to my parents house for 4 months! relief. and after that i have certain plans which i will write about once implemented.
anyways, so now, i am waiting for the HP movie. lets see how that turns out!
well, the show was good. though i felt it did lack some luster because of the absence of a particular Mr. Jasraj Joshi who plays a good part to make the stage more lively, though the entire troupe did a very good job. it was worth the money we spent (which we actually wouldnt have, if i would not have been in the delicate condition. we would have waited for the next show! :)) and the distance we had travelled. for the first time in my life i went the Chinchwad to watch a show.
so now that leaves the 6th HP movie to be watched which we are planning to see next sunday, and that would complete my 'entertainment' wishlist b4 the baby is born.
the preparation for the arrival is not yet started. it will be sometime after a month that we will be starting the preparations. getting the clothes and the crib and stuff. for now i can just say that i am getting bigger and bigger each day. though i yet do not have had the necessity of buying large clothes for myself. well, that should tell you how plump (i deliberately avoid using the word fat! ;P) i was before the pregnancy. a lot of care and other things prevented the weight gain that happens in the early pregnancy. and that has lead me to gain only a couple of kilos till date. well ofcourse my and the baby's vital signs are all okay. so there was no compromise on the health!
i have now come back to my in-laws house for about 10 days. then i and the husband will be off to my parents house for 4 months! relief. and after that i have certain plans which i will write about once implemented.
anyways, so now, i am waiting for the HP movie. lets see how that turns out!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Progressing towards the finale
Well, i am excited. more anxious to get over with another month and a half. that will be end of august and i mostly would have already delivered (or be on the verge of delivering) my baby.
i am excited, nervous, tensed. but yes, i guess i am very much prepared. since i am not working, i have plenty of time to sit and think how i am going to bring up my kid, how am i going to manage my job and manage to be there for my baby when ever she/he needs me? how am i going to have my perfect little family with nothing but love in it? thinking is very different than doing. but then, i have got enough time to think it thru..!
we were on the verge of booking a flat in a construction scheme. however, we cancelled the booking at the last moment. we could manage with a loan. our salaries were sufficient to get the loan sanctioned. but we were not comfortable with the amount that was being left in our hand after the expenses and EMI that was going to get cut off. and with the baby coming, we really have no idea how much our living expenses would go up. plus there was the problem of paying the upfront money. we could manage if we wanted to, but we would have drawn out on our every bank account and deposits and gold reserves (not that i have a huge amount of gold, but we have managed to gather some since our marriage, as emergency funds, which now lies safely in the bank locker!) but again, with the upcoming delivery and not knowing what complications might come up during that, we needed to have spare cash at hand. so we decided best to wait. anyways, in a month and halfs time we would be moving in with my parents. and i would stay there till november / december atleast. till then we can decide on the options of buying / renting a house. i am not very keen on returning here if the in-laws are planning to stay in this house. but well, that remains to be decided in due course.
days and nights have started becoming tiresome now. much to my gynacologists delight, i have now started gaining weight. a little by little ofcourse, but i have started gaining. i have started identifying my baby sleeping patterns. i know when the kids going to wake up and start kicking me. mostly it is late in the night or early morning. so in short, that makes my nights sleep almost useless. i make up for it during the day ofcourse. but at nights, i keep tossing and turning in the bed, eventually disturbing the husbands sleep as well. not that he complaints. sometimes i wonder which wonderful thing i have done in my life that i got a husband like him! dont want to get philosophical. but i would have been a wreck without him.
we have managed to get our finances in check as well. by the end of this week, we will be entirely loan free. our car will be in our name and there will be no EMI's getting deducted from the salary. so finally the 'net payable' in our salaries, will be the net amount we will get in hand. and then ofcourse, we will go on about buying our own place. i hope that day comes soon enough.
in the mean time i am trying to go through each and every day. waiting for the time to pass. waiting for the time when i hold my kid in my hands, for the first time. waiting for the time when i see the husband cuddle the baby close to him.
waiting to be a mother...
i am excited, nervous, tensed. but yes, i guess i am very much prepared. since i am not working, i have plenty of time to sit and think how i am going to bring up my kid, how am i going to manage my job and manage to be there for my baby when ever she/he needs me? how am i going to have my perfect little family with nothing but love in it? thinking is very different than doing. but then, i have got enough time to think it thru..!
we were on the verge of booking a flat in a construction scheme. however, we cancelled the booking at the last moment. we could manage with a loan. our salaries were sufficient to get the loan sanctioned. but we were not comfortable with the amount that was being left in our hand after the expenses and EMI that was going to get cut off. and with the baby coming, we really have no idea how much our living expenses would go up. plus there was the problem of paying the upfront money. we could manage if we wanted to, but we would have drawn out on our every bank account and deposits and gold reserves (not that i have a huge amount of gold, but we have managed to gather some since our marriage, as emergency funds, which now lies safely in the bank locker!) but again, with the upcoming delivery and not knowing what complications might come up during that, we needed to have spare cash at hand. so we decided best to wait. anyways, in a month and halfs time we would be moving in with my parents. and i would stay there till november / december atleast. till then we can decide on the options of buying / renting a house. i am not very keen on returning here if the in-laws are planning to stay in this house. but well, that remains to be decided in due course.
days and nights have started becoming tiresome now. much to my gynacologists delight, i have now started gaining weight. a little by little ofcourse, but i have started gaining. i have started identifying my baby sleeping patterns. i know when the kids going to wake up and start kicking me. mostly it is late in the night or early morning. so in short, that makes my nights sleep almost useless. i make up for it during the day ofcourse. but at nights, i keep tossing and turning in the bed, eventually disturbing the husbands sleep as well. not that he complaints. sometimes i wonder which wonderful thing i have done in my life that i got a husband like him! dont want to get philosophical. but i would have been a wreck without him.
we have managed to get our finances in check as well. by the end of this week, we will be entirely loan free. our car will be in our name and there will be no EMI's getting deducted from the salary. so finally the 'net payable' in our salaries, will be the net amount we will get in hand. and then ofcourse, we will go on about buying our own place. i hope that day comes soon enough.
in the mean time i am trying to go through each and every day. waiting for the time to pass. waiting for the time when i hold my kid in my hands, for the first time. waiting for the time when i see the husband cuddle the baby close to him.
waiting to be a mother...
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Life @ Home...
its been 2 months now that i am not going to work. first 3 weeks were a whirlwind because i was not well and the first week i was in a hospital in terrible pain. i just wished that i were dead. ofcourse, the pain was not so much, it is just that my tolerance to the pain is very low and the emotional outbursts in my head made it impossible for me to be in peace.
i gradually regained control of self which i dont know how i had lost. i couldnt have done so ofcourse if the husband had not been there with me, throughout.
i am back in my in-laws house now. will be going back to my mom's house in a month and halfs time. and will stay there for 2 months atleast. The husband will also be shifting with me. so this house will be locked.
yesterday had a gossip session with my MIL (things are better between us is what she thinks, but i alone know the whole truth!). well, she confessed that she will never be able to live with her elder son and daughter in law. they have been horrible to them. well then, how can we live with you? i said to myself.
i could have said that aloud, but i didnt want to interrupt my 'with much difficulty' achieved peace of mind. so i kept quite.. and well, they would be nice to us now seeing what was the result of their behavior with me, and considering the fact that they have no choice but to stay with us.
i had been to a fortune reader once. he was able to tell my past perfectly just be seeing my birth date and my thumb impression. so i believe, that atleast 50% of the things he has told me about my future would be true! he had said that things will not be going great between the parents in-law and the brother in-law. The husband did not believe this at all. ''Impossible'. this is all going to be crap' he had said.
But crap it was not intended to be. things started materializing in front of us, screaming the truth out. things were definitely not going well between the two of them. The husband was left with no choice but to believe!
well, getting to the point, he had also said that you will have to take care of your in-laws. do i believe it? do i act on it already? what do i do? a question that will be laid to rest in time, i suppose. and so be it..
yesterday i had a surprise person visit my house. it feels really great for some person to care so much for you, when infact they are actually not so related to you. the big bosses wife had come to give me 'Jeffery Archer' books to read! well i had just casually mentioned last week that i have exhausted my entire stock already (having read most of the books 3 times by now!). so they just lent me some of their stock. cool na? i just admired the fact that they remembered this casual remark and acted on it. just to make my life more enjoyable. and i mean, i am just another person in the factory he heads! it was really heart touching. i hope i am also able to be so sensitive to other peoples needs.
i gradually regained control of self which i dont know how i had lost. i couldnt have done so ofcourse if the husband had not been there with me, throughout.
i am back in my in-laws house now. will be going back to my mom's house in a month and halfs time. and will stay there for 2 months atleast. The husband will also be shifting with me. so this house will be locked.
yesterday had a gossip session with my MIL (things are better between us is what she thinks, but i alone know the whole truth!). well, she confessed that she will never be able to live with her elder son and daughter in law. they have been horrible to them. well then, how can we live with you? i said to myself.
i could have said that aloud, but i didnt want to interrupt my 'with much difficulty' achieved peace of mind. so i kept quite.. and well, they would be nice to us now seeing what was the result of their behavior with me, and considering the fact that they have no choice but to stay with us.
i had been to a fortune reader once. he was able to tell my past perfectly just be seeing my birth date and my thumb impression. so i believe, that atleast 50% of the things he has told me about my future would be true! he had said that things will not be going great between the parents in-law and the brother in-law. The husband did not believe this at all. ''Impossible'. this is all going to be crap' he had said.
But crap it was not intended to be. things started materializing in front of us, screaming the truth out. things were definitely not going well between the two of them. The husband was left with no choice but to believe!
well, getting to the point, he had also said that you will have to take care of your in-laws. do i believe it? do i act on it already? what do i do? a question that will be laid to rest in time, i suppose. and so be it..
yesterday i had a surprise person visit my house. it feels really great for some person to care so much for you, when infact they are actually not so related to you. the big bosses wife had come to give me 'Jeffery Archer' books to read! well i had just casually mentioned last week that i have exhausted my entire stock already (having read most of the books 3 times by now!). so they just lent me some of their stock. cool na? i just admired the fact that they remembered this casual remark and acted on it. just to make my life more enjoyable. and i mean, i am just another person in the factory he heads! it was really heart touching. i hope i am also able to be so sensitive to other peoples needs.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Gone again for a long time
Yes, i have been away, again for a long time. there is a genuine reason. no, it was not work. it was my health. i was in a hospital for over a week (for the first time in my life.. well, there is always first time innit?) nothing serious. some minor complications which ofcourse may have been worsened if not taken care for..
but all is fine now. i am at home, resting, reading books, watching TV, getting irritated...... well... thats the integral part of me!
currently i am working from home for about a week cauz we have an upcoming audit.. then will take a complete break from office!
nothing much from my side as of now. i will try to be more regular here now that i have plenty of free time!
till then!
but all is fine now. i am at home, resting, reading books, watching TV, getting irritated...... well... thats the integral part of me!
currently i am working from home for about a week cauz we have an upcoming audit.. then will take a complete break from office!
nothing much from my side as of now. i will try to be more regular here now that i have plenty of free time!
till then!
Friday, April 24, 2009
The right to vote.
India is the biggest democracy! and it is said the biggest right is the right to vote. to chose the group of people who will be incharge of making rules for you, of imposing restrictions, of giving freedom. it is not a happy situation however for the mass of people who say that the democracy is not working the way it should. well unfortunately this mass of people who are ironically the educated class dont even go and cast their vote! well then how will the democracy function the way it should?
people living in rural areas go and vote in the hopes of having a government who will make right decisions for them. mind you, their hopes have not faltered over the years. they have faith. but the educated class just sits and cribs. once in 5 years you have a chance to cast a vote. once in 5 years your country is asking for your decision. and once in 5 years we dont have 15 mins to spare for ourself! its really sad.
I voted. and i felt happy that i am going to make a difference by one vote! However small it will be in a country with billions of people, it will still make a difference! when i was standing at the voting booth, i saw so many people come. young, middle aged, old. and i felt a rush of gratitude towards them who came, those who spent 15 minutes for their country.
Though we had only 45% voting in our constituency, i would still like to thank those 45% who took pride in excercising their primary right. the right to vote!
people living in rural areas go and vote in the hopes of having a government who will make right decisions for them. mind you, their hopes have not faltered over the years. they have faith. but the educated class just sits and cribs. once in 5 years you have a chance to cast a vote. once in 5 years your country is asking for your decision. and once in 5 years we dont have 15 mins to spare for ourself! its really sad.
I voted. and i felt happy that i am going to make a difference by one vote! However small it will be in a country with billions of people, it will still make a difference! when i was standing at the voting booth, i saw so many people come. young, middle aged, old. and i felt a rush of gratitude towards them who came, those who spent 15 minutes for their country.
Though we had only 45% voting in our constituency, i would still like to thank those 45% who took pride in excercising their primary right. the right to vote!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I am right here!
I almost gave in. I almost lost.
This day almost got to me.
Into the air my hands I tossed.
Almost walked away. Almost Cried.
Almost threw caution into the wind.
Happiness for myself, I almost denied
Almost... Then...
I felt a brush of love against my face.
Wings wrapped around me in a warm embrace.
I heard a whisper into my ear...
"Don't you ever give up, I'm right here."
~Pravs World~
This day almost got to me.
Into the air my hands I tossed.
Almost walked away. Almost Cried.
Almost threw caution into the wind.
Happiness for myself, I almost denied
Almost... Then...
I felt a brush of love against my face.
Wings wrapped around me in a warm embrace.
I heard a whisper into my ear...
"Don't you ever give up, I'm right here."
~Pravs World~
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
back..
i am back. well, this time i hope to continue to write un-interrupted for a long time now. things at office were hectic but now that i have renounced upon the pillar leadership (with which my bosses are not happy) i am actually living with less stress and tension. i am finding time to think about my regular work and getting it completed on time as well (grin).
being a pillar leader was not bad actually. no one ever thrashed me for anything (being new in the company, being the youngest of the lot and ofcourse being a girl was the reason for that). infact it was more of a priviledge being a part of the STC - thats the steering committee of our company. yeah yeah, sounds great. but if no one's thrashing you doesnt mean you are relieved of all responsibilities. infact that gives more stress (at least to me) because then, your responsibility is higher.
nonco-operation from the team members was a major issue (well no points for guessing why there was nonco-operation in the first place) which took a toll in February 09 when i finally declared my state and told my boss that i cant continue like this and some actions need to be taken ASAP.
well, soon after our annual function of the company, the big boss called me and talked to me. the first ofcourse it was all 'congratulations, great news' etc (well i am refering to the news that i am pregnant!). and then came the question which was entirely unexpected. 'so whats your plan next?'.
Me: 'next? well i am planning to come till August 09 and then take the maternity leave'
BB: 'okay, and you are planning to join back right?'
Me: Baffled. i couldnt think of any way to answer that question. 'well ofcourse i am joining back. it is very clear with the husband and the family that i am going to continue working. (and if i dont, who's going to pay my car loan and what about my wish of having a place of my own???? this i asked myself, and said 'unless ofcourse you dont want me to join back!' which was again to myself!!)
BB: No, no, its just that we have to ask this question you know because we have to plan for your replacement. we had also asked SR (my colleague who is currently on maternity leave). its ofcourse good to hear that you are going to join back!(yeah.. good to hear this as well!)
So then, its officially out since feb end. and i am getting due services. its easier to get heard and get the work done. people in the office are really taking good care of me.
well, see the paradox. people at the place i dont want to call home, are least bothered. except the husband ofcourse.
i had hear that during pregnancy everyone tries to feed things you like and behaves the way is preferred to you and is nice to you and tries to keep you happy all the time. i was stupid enough to expect this from my in-laws. not even a flickr of smile on their faces when we told them the news!
and now they have started to paint the house. i am taking medicines so that i dont have a problem of dust allergy during pregnancy and my in-laws are taking full care that i do suffer from this problem.
well, its really annoying you know! so now the husband has finally agreed that we need to move out and we are planning to do so in the next couple of weeks. i am far away right now from being happy or anything. what i only feel is immense hatered for those two people who are totally unconcerned about their son and his child who is to be born in a few months time. well, i never expected them to be concerned about me so no complaints there! what they are just doing is taking me ahead to a path of severing relations with them forever.
The husband will obviously forgive everything within a couple of weeks time and be entirely himself again. but me? i am finding that to be increasingly difficult at the moment.
anyways, so on this bitter note, i am going to end my post. and i hope that from now on i do try to write more regularly.
(for all the confused souls, the husband=S=Sushil) *wink*
being a pillar leader was not bad actually. no one ever thrashed me for anything (being new in the company, being the youngest of the lot and ofcourse being a girl was the reason for that). infact it was more of a priviledge being a part of the STC - thats the steering committee of our company. yeah yeah, sounds great. but if no one's thrashing you doesnt mean you are relieved of all responsibilities. infact that gives more stress (at least to me) because then, your responsibility is higher.
nonco-operation from the team members was a major issue (well no points for guessing why there was nonco-operation in the first place) which took a toll in February 09 when i finally declared my state and told my boss that i cant continue like this and some actions need to be taken ASAP.
well, soon after our annual function of the company, the big boss called me and talked to me. the first ofcourse it was all 'congratulations, great news' etc (well i am refering to the news that i am pregnant!). and then came the question which was entirely unexpected. 'so whats your plan next?'.
Me: 'next? well i am planning to come till August 09 and then take the maternity leave'
BB: 'okay, and you are planning to join back right?'
Me: Baffled. i couldnt think of any way to answer that question. 'well ofcourse i am joining back. it is very clear with the husband and the family that i am going to continue working. (and if i dont, who's going to pay my car loan and what about my wish of having a place of my own???? this i asked myself, and said 'unless ofcourse you dont want me to join back!' which was again to myself!!)
BB: No, no, its just that we have to ask this question you know because we have to plan for your replacement. we had also asked SR (my colleague who is currently on maternity leave). its ofcourse good to hear that you are going to join back!(yeah.. good to hear this as well!)
So then, its officially out since feb end. and i am getting due services. its easier to get heard and get the work done. people in the office are really taking good care of me.
well, see the paradox. people at the place i dont want to call home, are least bothered. except the husband ofcourse.
i had hear that during pregnancy everyone tries to feed things you like and behaves the way is preferred to you and is nice to you and tries to keep you happy all the time. i was stupid enough to expect this from my in-laws. not even a flickr of smile on their faces when we told them the news!
and now they have started to paint the house. i am taking medicines so that i dont have a problem of dust allergy during pregnancy and my in-laws are taking full care that i do suffer from this problem.
well, its really annoying you know! so now the husband has finally agreed that we need to move out and we are planning to do so in the next couple of weeks. i am far away right now from being happy or anything. what i only feel is immense hatered for those two people who are totally unconcerned about their son and his child who is to be born in a few months time. well, i never expected them to be concerned about me so no complaints there! what they are just doing is taking me ahead to a path of severing relations with them forever.
The husband will obviously forgive everything within a couple of weeks time and be entirely himself again. but me? i am finding that to be increasingly difficult at the moment.
anyways, so on this bitter note, i am going to end my post. and i hope that from now on i do try to write more regularly.
(for all the confused souls, the husband=S=Sushil) *wink*
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
I have learned that...
I've Learned...
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've Learned...
That when you're in love, it shows.
I've Learned...
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've Learned...
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've Learned...
That being kind is more important than being right.
I've Learned...
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've Learned...
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've Learned...
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've Learned...
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've Learned...
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've Learned...
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've Learned...
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've Learned...
That money doesn't buy class.
I've Learned...
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've Learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've Learned...
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've Learned...
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've Learned...
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've Learned...
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've Learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've Learned...
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've Learned...
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've Learned...
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've Learned...
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've Learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've Learned...
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've Learned...
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her, one more time, before she passed away.
I've Learned...
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've Learned...
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've Learned...
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've Learned...
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've Learned...
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've Learned...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
I've Learned...
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
~Words by Andy Rooney~
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've Learned...
That when you're in love, it shows.
I've Learned...
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've Learned...
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've Learned...
That being kind is more important than being right.
I've Learned...
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've Learned...
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've Learned...
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've Learned...
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've Learned...
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've Learned...
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've Learned...
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've Learned...
That money doesn't buy class.
I've Learned...
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've Learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've Learned...
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've Learned...
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've Learned...
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've Learned...
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've Learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've Learned...
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've Learned...
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've Learned...
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've Learned...
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've Learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've Learned...
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've Learned...
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her, one more time, before she passed away.
I've Learned...
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've Learned...
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've Learned...
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've Learned...
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've Learned...
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've Learned...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
I've Learned...
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
~Words by Andy Rooney~
Thursday, April 02, 2009
But not you!
Let others lead small lives, but not you.
Let others argue over small things, but not you.
Let others cry over small hurts, but not you.
Let others blame their sufferings on some one else, but not you.
Let others leave their future in someone else's hands,
But not you!
~Pravs World~ (With a small addition from me!!)
Let others argue over small things, but not you.
Let others cry over small hurts, but not you.
Let others blame their sufferings on some one else, but not you.
Let others leave their future in someone else's hands,
But not you!
~Pravs World~ (With a small addition from me!!)
Monday, March 09, 2009
What life means today...
Earlier, life meant:
A winter evening, Four friends, Mild rain.., Four cups of coffee..
Earlier, life meant:
100 bucks for petrol, Two rusty old bikes.., An open road
Earlier, life meant:
Maggi noodles, A hostel room, 3.25 a.m.., Sharing food.. and love
Earlier, life meant:
Last minute exam preparations, One night, One book.., 8 duffers
Earlier, life meant:
One boy, One number, 4 friends.., And a fight :-)
Today life means:
Old friends, Separate cities, Separate lives.,
And endless efforts to earn money & get peace.
Today what you are looking in life..,
Is probably that you lost in your way here.
Remember old friends, old memories you shared,
Reconnect, rejoice!
~Pravs world~
A winter evening, Four friends, Mild rain.., Four cups of coffee..
Earlier, life meant:
100 bucks for petrol, Two rusty old bikes.., An open road
Earlier, life meant:
Maggi noodles, A hostel room, 3.25 a.m.., Sharing food.. and love
Earlier, life meant:
Last minute exam preparations, One night, One book.., 8 duffers
Earlier, life meant:
One boy, One number, 4 friends.., And a fight :-)
Today life means:
Old friends, Separate cities, Separate lives.,
And endless efforts to earn money & get peace.
Today what you are looking in life..,
Is probably that you lost in your way here.
Remember old friends, old memories you shared,
Reconnect, rejoice!
~Pravs world~
Monday, March 02, 2009
tired..........
Again tired. i could do with about 48 straight hours of sleep....
but i have a lot of work load as well.. any takers (for the work load :P)????? hehehe...
but i have a lot of work load as well.. any takers (for the work load :P)????? hehehe...
Friday, February 27, 2009
Life...
She sits in the house peering out of her bedroom window.. holding a book in her hand which she is trying to read. but for the first time she is finding it difficult to concentrate on. her thoughts seem to leave the present and drift away to the past. the memories, all the bad one's come first. the mistakes, the repurcussions, the tensions, the hatred..... but along with that comes the realization of not being alone during that time. of her husband being there during the thick and thin. of fulfilling all the promisses he had made when getting married. of the support, of the understanding, of protecting her from whatever lies in front. then she forgets all the bad memories (for the time being of course) and her thoughts drift to all the time spent with her husband. the time spent before marriage, after marriage, the way their relationship evolved over the period. the ups, the downs, the moment when they had almost decided to break up. but somehow, they held on to the belief, the hope.
and then the thoughts drift over to the present. the newfound happiness in each other. the strength of the relationship and the support they give to the other without asking, without any hesitation, the trust that has increased 10-fold, the plans made for the life ahead of them, the life that they would bring in to this world... and a smile lits up her face... she feels happy, strangely calm and satisfied and her face glows, as if she is all lit up from inside.. she feels all lit up from inside... because there is a life within her...
and then the thoughts drift over to the present. the newfound happiness in each other. the strength of the relationship and the support they give to the other without asking, without any hesitation, the trust that has increased 10-fold, the plans made for the life ahead of them, the life that they would bring in to this world... and a smile lits up her face... she feels happy, strangely calm and satisfied and her face glows, as if she is all lit up from inside.. she feels all lit up from inside... because there is a life within her...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The man who dares...
It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
or where the doer of deeps could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena;
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who errs and comes short again and again...
who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions,
and spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the least knows in the end
the triumph of high achievement;
and who, at the worst,
if he fails, at least fails while daring gently,
so that his place shall never be
with those cold and timid souls
who know neither victory nor defeat
~ Theodore Roosevelt ~
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
or where the doer of deeps could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena;
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who errs and comes short again and again...
who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions,
and spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the least knows in the end
the triumph of high achievement;
and who, at the worst,
if he fails, at least fails while daring gently,
so that his place shall never be
with those cold and timid souls
who know neither victory nor defeat
~ Theodore Roosevelt ~
Monday, February 16, 2009
We choose how we live....
All men and women are born, live, suffer and die;
What distinguishes us one from another is our dreams.
Whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things,
and what we do to make them come about...
We do not choose to be born.
We do not choose our parents.
We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth,
or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing.
We do not, most of us, choose to die;
nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death.
But within this realm of choicelessness,
We do choose how to live.
~ Joseph Epstein ~
What distinguishes us one from another is our dreams.
Whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things,
and what we do to make them come about...
We do not choose to be born.
We do not choose our parents.
We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth,
or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing.
We do not, most of us, choose to die;
nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death.
But within this realm of choicelessness,
We do choose how to live.
~ Joseph Epstein ~
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 09, 2009
Being Happy....
Just a small good morning email i recd a couple of days back..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything in life is temporary...
Darkness of the night or brightness of the day..
Even sunrise is temporary and so is sunset.
If things are good, enjoy it.. it wont last forever
And if things are going bad, dont worry, cauz it wont last forever either...!!
Everything just passes by....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being happy doesnt mean everythings perfect, it means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections....
Everything in life is temporary...
Darkness of the night or brightness of the day..
Even sunrise is temporary and so is sunset.
If things are good, enjoy it.. it wont last forever
And if things are going bad, dont worry, cauz it wont last forever either...!!
Everything just passes by....
The world is waiting for you.....
Do not be afraid to shine.
The world needs what you have to give.
Open up the areas of your being;
Expose them to yourself - to others.
You are valuable. You are unique.
You have much to give.
Do not be afraid to give it.
As we risk ourselves, we grow.
Each new experience is a risk.
We can try, and maybe fail,
And, as a result, grow or hold back and stagnate.
You have the potential to be anything you want.
You are free to choose.
You are limited only by your fears.
Let your dreams take over.
Fly with the eagles. Soar into life.
The world is waiting for you.
--Pravs World
The world needs what you have to give.
Open up the areas of your being;
Expose them to yourself - to others.
You are valuable. You are unique.
You have much to give.
Do not be afraid to give it.
As we risk ourselves, we grow.
Each new experience is a risk.
We can try, and maybe fail,
And, as a result, grow or hold back and stagnate.
You have the potential to be anything you want.
You are free to choose.
You are limited only by your fears.
Let your dreams take over.
Fly with the eagles. Soar into life.
The world is waiting for you.
--Pravs World
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
my husbands new wife!
Well, yes he has a new wife of which (its a thing) he takes more care than anyone (anything) else right now. his camera! (and i insisted on buying that one..!) he has gone absolutely crazy with that thing. on holidays he gets up at 5.00 a.m. and goes places to shoot birds (the real birds... i hope :D). the first time he went, i thought as usual this might be the only time. from next weekend, he would be back to sleeping till 8.00 a.m. most of the people who know him well will agree to it. he never even slogged so much for his engineering studies!! but, for a change, he proved me absolutely wrong! he went again and again every weekend, till finally i was tired of his leaving the house early in the morning and not returning till noon! this weekend was the same. he said he is going to a nearby place about 30 kms away to get some shots and he travelled 200 kms on a ruddy bike on the roads of Maharashtra just to catch some flemingoes. i was fuming by the time i met him. i have never been so angry with him ever.
was it required? i asked myself. but today also i would say, yes, it was required. having a passion is not wrong, but forgetting your responsibilities to pursue the passion is definitely not acceptable. not to me.
i am very sure that the next weekend he is still going to go early in the morning and returning by noon, but with the threats i have given him, he wont dare to travel dangerous distances on bike! (i hope so.....)
well, apart from everything else, his photography thing is really coming out well. for an amatuer, his skills are extremely well developed.. posting some of the best shots he's taken (which i liked the most) till date...
watch out for more in the coming posts!!
was it required? i asked myself. but today also i would say, yes, it was required. having a passion is not wrong, but forgetting your responsibilities to pursue the passion is definitely not acceptable. not to me.
i am very sure that the next weekend he is still going to go early in the morning and returning by noon, but with the threats i have given him, he wont dare to travel dangerous distances on bike! (i hope so.....)
well, apart from everything else, his photography thing is really coming out well. for an amatuer, his skills are extremely well developed.. posting some of the best shots he's taken (which i liked the most) till date...
watch out for more in the coming posts!!
Sleep
i have got this bad habit of sleeping in the afternoon on weekends and then when i turn up in the office on monday, (well in this case tuesday) i feel very drowsy after lunch, ready to drop anytime..
my boss is out of station and so is one of my collegue. i have a presentation to make tomorrow which i didnt get a chance to discuss with my boss (he didnt seem interested that i have to present it in front of the entire management team). so now i have discussed it with two people who have given me their inputs which are actually similar and involve me of showing the data which i currently do not have. it was the responsibility of one of my colleague which he did not do and is now travelling... conviniently!!
i was just thinking about the people who do the routine work (for example even consider a typist) and feel jealous some how. They do not have to tackle issues of cost reduction and bully their brains into doing some automization where they would use less ink but the output quality would not be affected!!!!! oh lord! i am just so tired. if i ask for a good nights sleep without any worries, is it a crime???
i guess it is.. for the amount of money i am getting paid, i ofcourse have to sacrifice a good nights sleep and think of the issues i have at hand. and i am sitting in my office and writing a blog for gods sake when i have piles and piles of work still pending! shame on me!!!!!!!!!!
so now, after this most abrupt post of my life, i am getting back to work!
adieu!
my boss is out of station and so is one of my collegue. i have a presentation to make tomorrow which i didnt get a chance to discuss with my boss (he didnt seem interested that i have to present it in front of the entire management team). so now i have discussed it with two people who have given me their inputs which are actually similar and involve me of showing the data which i currently do not have. it was the responsibility of one of my colleague which he did not do and is now travelling... conviniently!!
i was just thinking about the people who do the routine work (for example even consider a typist) and feel jealous some how. They do not have to tackle issues of cost reduction and bully their brains into doing some automization where they would use less ink but the output quality would not be affected!!!!! oh lord! i am just so tired. if i ask for a good nights sleep without any worries, is it a crime???
i guess it is.. for the amount of money i am getting paid, i ofcourse have to sacrifice a good nights sleep and think of the issues i have at hand. and i am sitting in my office and writing a blog for gods sake when i have piles and piles of work still pending! shame on me!!!!!!!!!!
so now, after this most abrupt post of my life, i am getting back to work!
adieu!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Just spit it out..............!
Thats what i told myself when i was unable to concentrate on anything. it was better to just spit out what i was thinking. there are a lot of things that are happening, some good news, some major decisions we have taken. but that has to wait for now.
again the issue is at the house where i am staying. i want to desparately get out of there and find a place which i can call home! S is understanding but is not able to think how to get out of there without causing a rift. I just say one thing. it is better we move out now and maintain what ever relations are there or we stay there and move out once we have reached such a level where the relations have entirely gone down the drain (they are almost on their way!!)
somehow he is not yet comfortable with the idea. but sooner or later we have to come in terms with the reality. even if i have spend a lot of money for the sake of having peace when i return home, i will spend it. because peace and satisfaction form the most important things i now need in life.
apart from the home issues, the office somehow is not that attractive an affair any more. it is getting a monotony (which is there in my hands to break completely) and i feel drained right in the morning. i am not getting enough sleep nor am i feeling energetic thruout the day. of course i know the reasons. and i need to work on them rather than sitting here and rant about it. its just that i dont know where to start. well, when i am fuming, angry, disturbed, there is one thing that i always do - i clean things, be it cupboards, the house in general, i just sort out the mess. though that doesnt really help sorting out the mess in my life, i atleast have the satisfaction of having control over 'some' mess around me.
so this weekend is going to be a cleaning sangraam. i am planning to throw 50% of the things out of that house. and i know that there is going to be a tirade over it from my in-laws. but thats predicted.
so i will now get back next week with some things which are on a happier note. and i hope by that time i am feeling better as well.
ciao.
again the issue is at the house where i am staying. i want to desparately get out of there and find a place which i can call home! S is understanding but is not able to think how to get out of there without causing a rift. I just say one thing. it is better we move out now and maintain what ever relations are there or we stay there and move out once we have reached such a level where the relations have entirely gone down the drain (they are almost on their way!!)
somehow he is not yet comfortable with the idea. but sooner or later we have to come in terms with the reality. even if i have spend a lot of money for the sake of having peace when i return home, i will spend it. because peace and satisfaction form the most important things i now need in life.
apart from the home issues, the office somehow is not that attractive an affair any more. it is getting a monotony (which is there in my hands to break completely) and i feel drained right in the morning. i am not getting enough sleep nor am i feeling energetic thruout the day. of course i know the reasons. and i need to work on them rather than sitting here and rant about it. its just that i dont know where to start. well, when i am fuming, angry, disturbed, there is one thing that i always do - i clean things, be it cupboards, the house in general, i just sort out the mess. though that doesnt really help sorting out the mess in my life, i atleast have the satisfaction of having control over 'some' mess around me.
so this weekend is going to be a cleaning sangraam. i am planning to throw 50% of the things out of that house. and i know that there is going to be a tirade over it from my in-laws. but thats predicted.
so i will now get back next week with some things which are on a happier note. and i hope by that time i am feeling better as well.
ciao.
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