These days were supposed to be full of fun and the exciting wait. though, it all ended in a matter of moments...
all i am doing now is to wait. wait for 15 more days when i have my checkup and then i am allowed to go out.
wait to find a house which fits our liking and our budget. wait to finalize the deal. wait to move into our own house.
wait to rejoin the company. wait, wait, wait.....
i wont be going back to that house where i used to live, probably ever. and i prefer it that way. i prefer to be on my own now. and that way it will be.
all the tension, worries, emotional turmoil i went through for the last 9 months seems so worthless now.... ofcourse, i have had to pay a very price for all that... a very heavy price...
the house is definitely on the cards now. i am not very proud of reaching this milestone. it will always remind me of what it has cost us to achieve it. and of the fact that it was a bit late... a bit too late...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
The Demise...
those were the words in the USG report that struck like a knife plunged straight into the heart.
my baby hadnt moved for about 12 hours. i was not alarmed really. i just thought the movements were clashing with my sleeping pattern and i was waiting for the baby to move. i was at my mom's when i mentioned this to her. she panicked. 'call the gynac now!'
really! there was no reason to panic! me and the husband exchanged exasperated looks. still, i called the hospital and we went over. the doctor was not in, so we waited. having had a good lunch, i was feeling asleep. the doctor came in. i went in for a check up. he tried to listen to the heart beats by some doppler machine. he tried and tried but was unsuccessful. having seen my case file, he said, it is difficult to listen to the heart beats if the baby is in the prostrate position. well, ok, i said. afterall, all my reports to date were entirely normal. i had my routine check up just 6 days back. so what would go wrong suddenly? we came back. though a small nagging had begun in my head, i still convinced myself that everything was normal. we went for a re-checkup the next day where again there was an unsuccessful attempt of listening to the baby's heartbeat. i was still not alarmed. the doctor asked us to do a USG that evening to get a clear picture.
we went back to the clinic to do the USG. the doctor there didnt tell us anything. he just said, i will give the report in 5 mins. we took the report, went to the hospital. while waiting to see the doctor, we read the report. it announced that there was no cardiac activity, the fetus appeared crumpled and an inter uterine demise was suggested.
the husband snapped shut the report. i couldn't breathe. for the first time in my life i knew what an emotional shock felt like. no tears came till i actually understood what the report said. 5 mins we were waiting in a room full of happy couples, all would be parents, with a 8 month old fetus in my stomach who was now pronounced dead. it felt like an eternity till the time the doctor called us in. i was admitted in the hospital the same evening. next day we had a repeat USG to confirm the report. there was no miracle waiting to happen. the report was confirmed.
Tuesday, 28th july 2009, i was given a pill to induce labor. it started well within 4 hours. i always wanted a normal delivery. and here i was, in labor, progressing towards a normal delivery. the pains became unbearable by 8 p.m. the doctor said delivery would happen by the next morning. i still had atleast 10 hours before i would eventually deliver, that too if the tablet kept its effect and the labor continued. otherwise they would administer another tablet the next day.
at 11 p.m. the dilation was still 10% only. i wouldnt mind the pain, but the pain combined with a heart full of sorrow, was a little too much to handle. it might sound dramatic, but at one point i really thought, death would be better....
'cant we do a Cesarean and get over with it?' i told my mum to ask the doctor.
'no', he said, 'we will wait till morning and decide at 6.00 a.m.'
'alright, you have to go through this' i told my self. every 5 mins felt like an hour. at 2.00 a.m., it was impossible for me to even lie down. i tried sitting, standing, walking, nothing helped. my legs were paining. my mom stayed up with me from 2.00 a.m. to 4.00 a.m. massaging my legs, my back and trying to get me through it. the contraction that came at 4.00 a.m. lasted and lasted and lasted. mom called the nurse. i was taken to the delivery room. the doctor announced that i was 80% dilated and would deliver in half an hour. the physical pain ended at 4.50 a.m. on the morning of 29th of July 2009. i delivered a boy. he didnt even breath once.
i felt strangely calm after the delivery. i talked with the doctor. i asked him, 'would this repeat if i decide to take another chance?' 'no' he said, 'there was a very little chance that it would'.
i was brought to my room. the husband was there waiting for me. he looked at me, he smiled, and i smiled back.
the baby was to be taken, away, to a cemetery. i could hear a lot of commotion outside. i was lying in my bed thinking if i should see the baby. i thought everyone will shout me down if i ask to see the baby. so i just decided not to without even demanding to be allowed. and i have regretted my decision ever since. and i will regret the decision for my entire life. the husband took the baby. they buried him. when he came back he looked as if he had suffered a hundred battles. i cant imagine what he must have felt carrying his dead son in his arms and laying him on the ground to be buried. the husband has promised me that he will take me to the place. he informed all the close people. requested them not to come and meet me.
my brother in law and my sister in law were there the whole time with us. whatever differences there might be, i will never forget in my entire life that they were there for us during our difficult time.
weak as i was, i was still discharged the next day. i preferred it that way. i preferred to be at home.
the shock and sorrow were over. then came the pain. it is still difficult to go through the month. all the dates will come and go by.
3rd august - beginning of my ninth month when i was supposed to shift to my mom's.
15-16th august - the two days me and the husband were planning to spend together, just us.... probably the rare time we would get for ourselves before the baby was born, we thought...
22nd august - the day i wanted my baby to be born. whole, healthy and alive.
10th September - my due date.
mid November - the baby's naming ceremony.
the bubble of my dreams, of my happiness burst and left me with nothing. i didnt even hold my baby.
my perfect little family........... i dont know what to say..... it is still a dream....
my baby hadnt moved for about 12 hours. i was not alarmed really. i just thought the movements were clashing with my sleeping pattern and i was waiting for the baby to move. i was at my mom's when i mentioned this to her. she panicked. 'call the gynac now!'
really! there was no reason to panic! me and the husband exchanged exasperated looks. still, i called the hospital and we went over. the doctor was not in, so we waited. having had a good lunch, i was feeling asleep. the doctor came in. i went in for a check up. he tried to listen to the heart beats by some doppler machine. he tried and tried but was unsuccessful. having seen my case file, he said, it is difficult to listen to the heart beats if the baby is in the prostrate position. well, ok, i said. afterall, all my reports to date were entirely normal. i had my routine check up just 6 days back. so what would go wrong suddenly? we came back. though a small nagging had begun in my head, i still convinced myself that everything was normal. we went for a re-checkup the next day where again there was an unsuccessful attempt of listening to the baby's heartbeat. i was still not alarmed. the doctor asked us to do a USG that evening to get a clear picture.
we went back to the clinic to do the USG. the doctor there didnt tell us anything. he just said, i will give the report in 5 mins. we took the report, went to the hospital. while waiting to see the doctor, we read the report. it announced that there was no cardiac activity, the fetus appeared crumpled and an inter uterine demise was suggested.
the husband snapped shut the report. i couldn't breathe. for the first time in my life i knew what an emotional shock felt like. no tears came till i actually understood what the report said. 5 mins we were waiting in a room full of happy couples, all would be parents, with a 8 month old fetus in my stomach who was now pronounced dead. it felt like an eternity till the time the doctor called us in. i was admitted in the hospital the same evening. next day we had a repeat USG to confirm the report. there was no miracle waiting to happen. the report was confirmed.
Tuesday, 28th july 2009, i was given a pill to induce labor. it started well within 4 hours. i always wanted a normal delivery. and here i was, in labor, progressing towards a normal delivery. the pains became unbearable by 8 p.m. the doctor said delivery would happen by the next morning. i still had atleast 10 hours before i would eventually deliver, that too if the tablet kept its effect and the labor continued. otherwise they would administer another tablet the next day.
at 11 p.m. the dilation was still 10% only. i wouldnt mind the pain, but the pain combined with a heart full of sorrow, was a little too much to handle. it might sound dramatic, but at one point i really thought, death would be better....
'cant we do a Cesarean and get over with it?' i told my mum to ask the doctor.
'no', he said, 'we will wait till morning and decide at 6.00 a.m.'
'alright, you have to go through this' i told my self. every 5 mins felt like an hour. at 2.00 a.m., it was impossible for me to even lie down. i tried sitting, standing, walking, nothing helped. my legs were paining. my mom stayed up with me from 2.00 a.m. to 4.00 a.m. massaging my legs, my back and trying to get me through it. the contraction that came at 4.00 a.m. lasted and lasted and lasted. mom called the nurse. i was taken to the delivery room. the doctor announced that i was 80% dilated and would deliver in half an hour. the physical pain ended at 4.50 a.m. on the morning of 29th of July 2009. i delivered a boy. he didnt even breath once.
i felt strangely calm after the delivery. i talked with the doctor. i asked him, 'would this repeat if i decide to take another chance?' 'no' he said, 'there was a very little chance that it would'.
i was brought to my room. the husband was there waiting for me. he looked at me, he smiled, and i smiled back.
the baby was to be taken, away, to a cemetery. i could hear a lot of commotion outside. i was lying in my bed thinking if i should see the baby. i thought everyone will shout me down if i ask to see the baby. so i just decided not to without even demanding to be allowed. and i have regretted my decision ever since. and i will regret the decision for my entire life. the husband took the baby. they buried him. when he came back he looked as if he had suffered a hundred battles. i cant imagine what he must have felt carrying his dead son in his arms and laying him on the ground to be buried. the husband has promised me that he will take me to the place. he informed all the close people. requested them not to come and meet me.
my brother in law and my sister in law were there the whole time with us. whatever differences there might be, i will never forget in my entire life that they were there for us during our difficult time.
weak as i was, i was still discharged the next day. i preferred it that way. i preferred to be at home.
the shock and sorrow were over. then came the pain. it is still difficult to go through the month. all the dates will come and go by.
3rd august - beginning of my ninth month when i was supposed to shift to my mom's.
15-16th august - the two days me and the husband were planning to spend together, just us.... probably the rare time we would get for ourselves before the baby was born, we thought...
22nd august - the day i wanted my baby to be born. whole, healthy and alive.
10th September - my due date.
mid November - the baby's naming ceremony.
the bubble of my dreams, of my happiness burst and left me with nothing. i didnt even hold my baby.
my perfect little family........... i dont know what to say..... it is still a dream....
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