We visited the factory on a weekend (shop floor was working) and paid a surprised visit to check if people are aware and are following the rules. i was not really keen on coming, but K insisted and i could not say no. nothing was really out of the place so, suddenly i started feeling that the visit was all the more a waste!
after my delivery, i didnt speak to anyone except my parents and the husband for over a fortnight. then i realised that the more i postpone speaking to other people, the more difficult it would be. people avoid mentioning this subject to me, but i feel, are sometimes also keen to know about what happened, from my mouth, in my words. people are judging me, testing me to see how i react to various situation and subjects. they will be satisfied if they see me sad and gloomy and crying other than the smiling, happy me.. i think..
while coming to the factory we went to Sops house. She is my colleague who delivered a baby girl 6 months ago.. She left for her maternity leave, and i was just in my first trimester. K was with us. She was observing me, carefully when i was holding Sops baby to see my reactions.
what should i do? just breakdown in front of everyone? cry aloud? so people will understand the pain and sorrow we are going through!
everytime i will see all the kids of the girls i know who have delivered during this period, i will always think that if everything would have gone right, my son would be the same age that these kids are, and everytime i will lapse into the future of my dead son.
if only he was alive... if only!
i miss the kicks and prods of him in my womb. i miss talking to him day and night and telling him what all happened. i miss being not able to sleep till 11 p.m. at night because my son used to be awake till that time, inside me. i miss being woken up at 7.00 a.m. sharp because my son used to wake up at that time...
i miss being pregnant. i miss the wait of the nine months to hold my baby. i miss my son, whom i didnt hold, even once.......
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