An object of sympathy..

a lot of people knew that i was on maternity leave. and now when i meet them, they give a big smile, congratulate me and ask if its a girl or a boy.
'i had a still born delivery', i say.
'Oh', the first reply
'i am sorry to hear that!', the second one...
some how it is not very difficult to tell this to acquaintences. i dont break down. i look into their eyes when i tell what happened. my eyes do not fill with tears.
but all the more, as the days pass, i miss my baby more and more. the sorrow deepens and i realise that no matter how many children i have in my later life, my first son (i wanted to name him Aditya) will always hold a very special place in my heart. He will always be in my memory. i might name my next son, Aditya, after my first.

'but its all upto u em, uve been given the right to lead ur life...lead it as u wish
and try to stop blaming others. sorry if that sounds harsh', says my friend, whom i have not met till date but have talked to 'n' number of times about all the things... his chat window is the venting place for me.. he says..
i dont really remember when i have blamed anything on other people. good or bad, i have always owned my actions. i have done what i want. because, then the life i make, i know, is because of me and no one else. so i am happy.
i did make some wrong decisions. and i will not repeat them. but i am happy about everything that happened with me. all the people i met, all the decisions i took, i am happy.

Sunday was good. in the evening, i accompanied the husband to the place where his parents are building a house. i did expect something nice and classy. but what i saw was a shock! well, one mistake i make again and again.. i expect!
i do have to stop doing that. anyways,
so, this place is in a rural area and its an open plot which is meant for a farmhouse. When i imagine a farmhouse, i always imagine a cosy little space, warm, probably where we would make a lot of use of wood, a nice fireplace, thick curtains and a carpet.. a wooden floor...
but what has been built is of concrete, and with huge rooms and... well...
i can understand, think big! but u should know where and how to make use of thinking big! its a complete waste of money as far as me and the husband are concerned. we would never go and stay in that place. probably just a weekend or two. and may be it would be just the husband who goes there..
but ofcourse the in-laws might like it.. you know,they think, the bigger some thing is, the more grand it is. none of my concern though. its their land and their money. i dont care any more. i did. for the husband. i still sometimes think i should. but as they say, do not repeat your mistakes. i will not repeat this mistake.
anyways, i got a lot of work to do. got to go...