everything will be fine for you soon....

my friend delivered a baby girl in september.. it was close to my heart because i was supposed to on 10th september and her due date was 11th sept. it was just a day apart...
'everything will be fine for you soon...' she said when i told her about me.
yes.. everything will be fine..
i have started my job, the husband has started his job, we are settled in our new house. the FIL is not talking to the husband (does anyone see me complaining?). the in-laws (none of them) have to come to see our new place inspite of inviting them over and over again. well, yes, everything is normal, for everyone.
the loss was after all ours. and we have learned to live with it because we cant do anything else. its the deepest feeling of helplessness. and it is very annoying.
as for me, i cant wait to become a mother.. people have suggested we should take a break for a year. i agree too. but its just that i cant wait to be a mother. i cant wait for some one to call me 'mum'
home front, its really busy.. i hardly get time for anything. but on priority i need to start to exercise. i need to lose weight. the aftereffects of an unsuccessful pregnancy have started showing. My asthema which had disappeared about 5 years ago has come back with a bang. i spend sleepless nights just because i cant breathe!
my feet are swollen. my body still aches. i still get tired very easily.
healing is indeed a very slow process, but i need to speed that up. and for that, i now need to exercise.
office is good. i havent been yet 'officially' given the major responsibilities. though it wont be long now. i will be travelling abroad in late november. my first out of country tour. its exciting. but there is also a lot of anxiety, because it is going to be very cold there. and with my asthema, i hope i will be able to survive!
the husband is doing good. he gets late everyday. yes. it is irritating. even now, i am waiting for him to come home and talk to him, which we get to do rarely now a days.
isnt my life the most sadistic!
well. i do plan to bring about some changes.. very fast.
the new house is a major catalyst for that.
meanwhile we had gone to a place called Kaas... some photos from there.. its all the hubands work... i just went with him and kept a lot of patience when he was away clicking photographs...

An object of sympathy..

a lot of people knew that i was on maternity leave. and now when i meet them, they give a big smile, congratulate me and ask if its a girl or a boy.
'i had a still born delivery', i say.
'Oh', the first reply
'i am sorry to hear that!', the second one...
some how it is not very difficult to tell this to acquaintences. i dont break down. i look into their eyes when i tell what happened. my eyes do not fill with tears.
but all the more, as the days pass, i miss my baby more and more. the sorrow deepens and i realise that no matter how many children i have in my later life, my first son (i wanted to name him Aditya) will always hold a very special place in my heart. He will always be in my memory. i might name my next son, Aditya, after my first.

'but its all upto u em, uve been given the right to lead ur life...lead it as u wish
and try to stop blaming others. sorry if that sounds harsh', says my friend, whom i have not met till date but have talked to 'n' number of times about all the things... his chat window is the venting place for me.. he says..
i dont really remember when i have blamed anything on other people. good or bad, i have always owned my actions. i have done what i want. because, then the life i make, i know, is because of me and no one else. so i am happy.
i did make some wrong decisions. and i will not repeat them. but i am happy about everything that happened with me. all the people i met, all the decisions i took, i am happy.

Sunday was good. in the evening, i accompanied the husband to the place where his parents are building a house. i did expect something nice and classy. but what i saw was a shock! well, one mistake i make again and again.. i expect!
i do have to stop doing that. anyways,
so, this place is in a rural area and its an open plot which is meant for a farmhouse. When i imagine a farmhouse, i always imagine a cosy little space, warm, probably where we would make a lot of use of wood, a nice fireplace, thick curtains and a carpet.. a wooden floor...
but what has been built is of concrete, and with huge rooms and... well...
i can understand, think big! but u should know where and how to make use of thinking big! its a complete waste of money as far as me and the husband are concerned. we would never go and stay in that place. probably just a weekend or two. and may be it would be just the husband who goes there..
but ofcourse the in-laws might like it.. you know,they think, the bigger some thing is, the more grand it is. none of my concern though. its their land and their money. i dont care any more. i did. for the husband. i still sometimes think i should. but as they say, do not repeat your mistakes. i will not repeat this mistake.
anyways, i got a lot of work to do. got to go...

I miss him...

We visited the factory on a weekend (shop floor was working) and paid a surprised visit to check if people are aware and are following the rules. i was not really keen on coming, but K insisted and i could not say no. nothing was really out of the place so, suddenly i started feeling that the visit was all the more a waste!
after my delivery, i didnt speak to anyone except my parents and the husband for over a fortnight. then i realised that the more i postpone speaking to other people, the more difficult it would be. people avoid mentioning this subject to me, but i feel, are sometimes also keen to know about what happened, from my mouth, in my words. people are judging me, testing me to see how i react to various situation and subjects. they will be satisfied if they see me sad and gloomy and crying other than the smiling, happy me.. i think..
while coming to the factory we went to Sops house. She is my colleague who delivered a baby girl 6 months ago.. She left for her maternity leave, and i was just in my first trimester. K was with us. She was observing me, carefully when i was holding Sops baby to see my reactions.
what should i do? just breakdown in front of everyone? cry aloud? so people will understand the pain and sorrow we are going through!
everytime i will see all the kids of the girls i know who have delivered during this period, i will always think that if everything would have gone right, my son would be the same age that these kids are, and everytime i will lapse into the future of my dead son.
if only he was alive... if only!
i miss the kicks and prods of him in my womb. i miss talking to him day and night and telling him what all happened. i miss being not able to sleep till 11 p.m. at night because my son used to be awake till that time, inside me. i miss being woken up at 7.00 a.m. sharp because my son used to wake up at that time...
i miss being pregnant. i miss the wait of the nine months to hold my baby. i miss my son, whom i didnt hold, even once.......

If only...

Everything is just the same at work. its like a typical hindi or marathi soap... it goes on for years and years. even if you stop watching it for a couple of months, and then try to watch it again, it is very easy to pick up the happenings, cauz nothing really would have changed. same is with the office. nothings changed...
i have come a long way. the past nine months were equivalent to a lifetime for me... today is 8th sept... if everything would have been okay, i would be 2 days away from my due date. 10th september......... well, so was not to be..
the more time i spend alone, the thoughts have started coming back with a bang...
the questions... why us?
the guilt... all the times i was angry, i was irritated and the times when i troubled myself mentally during my pregnancy
the helplessness... i could do nothing to prevent it from happening
the anger... towards all those people who should have, but didnt care
the anger... towards myself of not having taken the strong decisions at the right time...
the future... would this happen again?
all that think of is, if only...............!! if only...
i am trying to be busy. trying to think of something else. trying to think of a bright future. trying to think of work. but the sorrow still remains, as severe and as deep as it was on the day i learnt of my sons death.

we shifted out of my mom's house. the move was very difficult. i was to shift out with my husband and my child.. we moved out, but just the two of us... temporarily we are staying in the inlaws house. a decision which i was not really for. we will move out by 20th. most of the things have been shifted. we just need to buy a few things and get the fittings done in our home....
our home... at last... a place which i can call my own.. a place where no one will come and tell me or my husband, 'this is our house. you dont have any right here'
a place to which i can finally connect with...
the impatience is mounting. i cant wait to move in.. in OUR home.

Atleast one dream turns into reality...

we bought a house.... pictures will follow soon...