31/01/2008

The first month of the New Year is over! Already!! Since my actual work has started from this month, I didn’t even realize how the time flew.
Extraordinary events happened, during the month. Some major decisions too..

1. New year started with a late morning
2. New Year started with me and S spending the entire day together!! 
3. I have decided to take up the concern of reducing my weight (well, not acted on that much, but atleast I can say that my weight hasn’t increased!! *relief*
4. Since my aide is not coming to work, the quality of my chapatis has gone up tremendously cauz of the practice I am getting. And, my speed is increasing too!!
5. I have started blogging regularly
6. Competed reading around 4 books (yeah.. all fiction)
7. Didn’t see many movies…
8. Respected someone so much that decided to sacrifice some of my interests for the sake of their satisfaction

The negative side
1. (1) I had decided to wake up early in the morning on the first day of the New Year and do something good. But…………
2. (2) Didn’t do anything much about my weight!!
3. (4) MY AIDE IS NOT COMING TO WORK!!!!!! (Sigh!)
4. (6) Didn’t read anything else than fiction.. not even the newspaper!
5. (8) I ended up getting almost hanged in the process, sacrificing a lot of things… as for the respect, its all gone down the drain!
6. Even the last trail of a sometimeimportantperson was deleted... from my phone book, from my mail book and trying, even possibly from my brain..

anyways, a new beginning now, a new month, and some new targets... lets see how successful i am in them this time...

Insomnia...

It is strange, that i am gripped with insomnia for the first time in my life. I am having trouble getting a continuous deep sleep and when i finally fall asleep, i am having trouble with the dreams i am having. yesterday i dreamt that 3 people whom i am close to in life left me forever... i woke up with a shiver, only to realise that this was a dream afterall and i was safe with S sleeping peacefully beside me.
Unlike most of dreams, i can remember this one quite clearly and even the thought of it makes me tremble.
How do i interpret this dream? How do i relate this with the happenings in my life? Probably the fear of losing S and the fear of being alone has come like a dark blanket enveloping me in the dreadful darkness and I am afraid of the darkness for the first time in my life.
and this is all because of the choices i have made in the past...
learn from it EM! thats the sole part that is left in my hands...

Writing..

writing, now a days has started becoming a necessity. with no friends to talk to, no one to share......
but for heavens sake, i can as well share my feelings with everyone!
unfortunately most of my friends are not 'regular' net surfers! but anyways, as long as i get to speak what i want to speak, i am alright with it.
today morning i received a message from a friend -
'there is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is 'attitude' and the big difference is made by the fact whether it is positive or negative!!'
attitude is all that matters! your way to look at the things at hand, your way to react to situations, your thinking, patience, understanding, everything depends on your attitude. you might as well make a hell of the situation or as well try to create a heaven out of it.. its all your attitude. and all that is a matter of choice. attitude of a person cannot be positive or negative by birth. it is what it is because of the choices we make. every situation in life, every problem, every action we intend to take, we always have a choice. nothing is mandatory. and these choices you make during your life time, make up your attitude.
many a times you are told to leave the past behind, not to bother about it, just look ahead. but i like to look at the past. i like to see what the choices i have made, for these are the only choices where i can get to know the consequences! i like to look behind to learn from it, only to make my way ahead secure and successful.
its personal way of looking at things though.. anyways, i got to go, loads of work to catch up.. but will be back soon..
till then...

Life in wonderful.......

Face your past without regret.
Handle your present with confidence.
Prepare for the future without fear.
Keep faith and drop the fear.
Don't believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs.

Life is wonderful if you know how to live it.

Master of the game...!

‘Master of the game’ a book by the legendary Sidney Sheldon. A book spanning over 4 generations of a family from 1883 to 1982, the head of which struck it rich beyond his wildest dreams.
Jamie McGregor, leaves his family, his country to go in search for diamonds to South Africa. He is deceived, almost killed in his conquest. But he is determined. Determined to be successful in the search he has come for and to destroy the man who deceived him. He succeeds.
His business intellect at a young age, his planning, and the courage to take risks to fulfill his wishes is beautifully described. Jamie is caught in emotional turmoil to be close with his son, whose mother, Margaret, he hated because she was the daughter of the man who almost killed Jamie. Unfortunately, his son is killed at age seven. And that was the end of the world to Jamie. He dies soon after.
Jamie, passes on his qualities to his daughter Kate, whom he had hardly seen or adored. Kate is raised by Margaret, who also leaves Kate when she is aged 14. Kate is a brilliant girl who goes on to learn in a business school and takes charge of the family business and expands it beyond anyones imagination. She builds an empire, spawned by naked ambition.
The story revolves around Kate. A wife, a mother, a grandmother and most importantly a business women, Kate is seen in all the roles she plays in life only for one soul purpose, to expand ‘Kruger Brent Ltd.’, her family business.
A life of blackmail, deceit, murder, money and power. And the master of this game, Kate Blackwell.
A once to read book!

Jab we met...

I saw the movie yesterday.. jab we met... but unfortunately i didnt find it that lovely all the people did. definitely not a 4.5 * movie. or may be just because i saw it on TV with a thousand advertisements and all the halla going at my place of my FIL and S because of which i was not able to concentrate.
But, truthfully, the movie is very predictable. You actually know what is going to happen next. But one thing to appreciate that movie has no unnecessary villans and totally non-required twists n turns.
it is a simple movie. but with getting used to watching films like OSO, i guess it appears too simple.
The songs are a beauty. for a change, i liked Kareena Kapoor. And Shahid is of course, wonderful!!
But in the end, you have something to take away from the movie. The attitude. The attitude with which Geet (Kareena) lives her life. The attitude which helps Aditya (Shahid) transform his own life. The attitude not to give up and to follow your heart when there is nothing else to guide you. That, is well emphasized on.
I say, a one time watch, but w/o any commercial breaks.

Just not good enough……

Just not good enough...
I was perplexed when someone wrote this to me. The reason, XB thought I hadn’t completed my ground work. Where, in fact I had. And I had much more information than required for just a ‘ground work’.
I felt bad. I felt angry. I felt betrayed by myself. Though B has not commented on this topic, still I am not really comfortable with the situation at hand. I am new. But not that naïve.
Anyways, just felt like writing this to create a channel to let out my emotions.
Probably in normal circumstances, I would not have felt this bad.

Changes..

Change is a big enemy. And change is constant. Loads of things changed in the past few days. and the biggest change was the change in me.
On the office front, i am now really starting to get into my role. I have started handling some of the things independently. Although, still quite sometimes i require some assistance. But, most importantly i like what i do! which i am not sure i would have been able to say at my earlier workplaces. i was a bit apprehensive in the beginning, but now all that is past.
on the personal front, the issue that had been cropped up, finally came to an end. though not the way the adversary had promised. i am amazed looking at the change of decision because of one action of mine. well, useless had already told me it would happen this way. next time onwards, instead of guessing anything, i will just ask useless!! ;) hehehe.
on the home front, my freedom ended a day in advance. and as my aide is not coming to work, i am just breaking my back after going home (and my patience too!) doing all the household things which otherwise i wouldnt even touch!
Even S was having some issues at office which fortunately now are in hand.
All in all, things getting back on track.
As for the change in me, i shall write sometime later. i would require a lot of time to think and frame the sentences even to express how i feel at the moment.
till then...

Are you smiling God?

Silence...

Silence...
My biggest quality and the worst weakness. I have always tried to eat up my problems, not sharing them with anyone. I have always listened patiently to all people.. always, first listened, and then said only if utterly necessary. One of my characteristic for which i have always been praised for. Still, i believe, i am not even 20% patient of what S is.
And today, because of our silence, we have landed up in a situation where i have limited choices, where i do not know what actions i need to take. Where i cannot predict the outcome.
But now, the time has come, where the silence needs to be broken. And it will be broken.
The only way to secure peace, is to prepare for a war.. and i have to prepare for one....

Pravs World...Life is not perfect!

Go ahead with life as it is, with the bumps and pitfalls.
However it is, give your best to every moment.

Don't spend your time waiting for the perfect situation,
something which is not very likely to come.

Life is not perfect;
the way you live can make it perfectly wonderful.

Expectations...

Expectations…
Prospect, outlook, opportunity, hope, anticipation, probability.. These are the words that are suggested as the synonyms of the word ‘expectation’
Do they really? Somehow, I don’t understand words like opportunity in connection with the word ‘expectation’.

I was patient with this situation of handling ‘Expectations’ (at the domestic level). But seemingly, these expectations start going out of hand creating issues between people with whom you are related closely in life.
Fortunately, till date, I have not exceedingly disappointed someone in their expectations from me (at least those people who matter to me!). But since many months I can see this ‘not fulfilling expectations’ jargon brewing in my house. It is difficult for me to understand this situation as a third person.
In today’s industry, there are a lot of expectations from you as an employee because you are being paid a huge amount of salary for the job you do. So it whatever you do should be perfect, neat, clean..
But to top it, the moment you reach home you have another set of expectations.. from parents, children, their spouses, in-laws, friends, relatives.. everyone…
And when these expectations are not fulfilled, there are a huge amount of issues that start piling up. Some said. Some unsaid. And then one day, a small instance is good enough to trigger these past memories and the anger, deep inside, boils out like a volcano burning even the smallest remnants of the relationship you had.

‘People never forget the way you made them feel’
It is true. This volcano of anger that bursts creates a still deeper and wider valley between you and the people whom you call your own!
Sad situation.. And sadder to see it happen with people around you!

This brings me to a basic question. Why do you have an expectation from any other person?
May be because you have done something for him / her and now want that person to pay back?
Well, this is the only reason I can think of. You don’t have expectations from people whom you barely know. You do have expectations from people for whom, in life, you have done something significant!
I’ll be glad to find some alternative answers!

I feel shocked when parents accuse their kids of not fulfilling their expectations and I am enraged when kids say that their parents don’t fulfill their expectations! On top of that, these expectations are unsaid. There is an expectation from either that the other should understand these unsaid expectations and fulfill them!! OKAY!! Now I am starting to get confused!

In the first place, I DO NOT understand why you have to have expectations from anyone? And that too your kids or parents of all people!
I have heard parents say, ‘we have done so much for you, brought you up, educated you, and got you married so you must do as we say!’
I have heard the kids say to their parents, ‘well, whats the big deal if you have done so much for us, it was your duty to!!’
Dear parents, I know you have done so many things for your kids. Fed them, went to the extent of starving yourself so that your kids could relish themselves on the food, sent them to good schools, celebrated their birthdays in a grand way, sat by their bedside when they were not well, got them married to the person of their choice.. you have done everything that was in your extent. Was this just because it was duty to do these things cauz you brought the kid into this world? Was this done with a sense of obligation? I don’t think so. It simply because you love your kid! Then I do not understand why you price tag your love by having them fulfill your expectations in return!
And the kids, you must be damn grateful that your parents did all these things for you. They could have just thrown in you in an orphanage for all they care! But they do care. They have made so many sacrifices for you which you are probably not even aware of. And it was not mandatory for them to have done what they did. So please, be grateful for the fact that you got these kind of parents! and do not show your ungratefulness by saying such things.. for you have to remember, that you will have kids one day and please pray to God, that they dont share your attitude!!

Well, I wish I was allowed to speak these words to the people who I want to tell this to. But I don’t think S will ever allow me to do it!

Anyways, what I feel is that you must not have expectations from anyone. Anyone at all! Even if the person is the world to you. Keeping expectations just has more chances of them to break. That makes you unhappy. That makes the person unhappy from whom you expect something and he/she is not able to fulfill them. It breaks your heart, you get into stupid fights, and inspite of all this, the frustration is all yours!

Well, it seems from the post, that I am getting frustrated now. I actually am.

So this is the most abrupt end of the post. Please tell me what you think of the issue and is this prominent with most of the houses?

Silence....

Silence is the best form of communication....
If people do not understand the meaning of your silence, they will never understand the meaning of your words!

Pravs World... Blossom Like a Flower..

The realization of happiness happens only after experience of pain.

If we desire to blossom like a flower in the garden of life,
Then we must learn the art of adjusting our life with the thorns!

License to Drive...........!

I got it!! the permanent license to drive a 4-wheeler!
When i went in the morning to the driving school, there were about 50 odd people already there waiting for their names to be called out to sign against their respective names in the register and collect their forms from the person there(which had been already filled up).
Standing there, when the person was calling out names and had finished half of the bunch, i started speculating, 'okay, now my form is not going to be here at all!!'
And that uneasy feeling started settling in my stomach! But, as always, destiny did defeat my speculation and my name was called out.
Then they asked me to attach my proofs to the document for getting my name and address changed on the license. There i went again wondering that i have 110% forgotten some important documents at home! Again, the destiny decided to prove me wrong (why does this hapen with me???).
When we started for the RTO, my great instructor scared us to death saying over and over again that the inspector is very strict and he will fail you if your car stops while in the first / reverse gear! (and that was, rather is, my speciality!) So my instructor did his best to give us the maximum amount of tension he could.
Finally after a long wait of 3 hours at the RTO, i was called to test. I was calm from outside but inside, i was trembling (as usual)!! Fortunately, my car sailed beautifully to the first gear, and then to the second and then the third gear. Now was the time for reverse... well, i had decided not to goof up.. but again, i had to be proved wrong, and my car didnt pick up the reverse gear!! There i was, irritated, more tensed with the 'tch tch' from the inspector. but my insides shouted, 'hurry up!!' and then i did my second reverse take quite well.
Thankfully, the inspector did not mind that one incident and did pass me. But he did fail a girl who was with me for the test. She was a really nice female who had come to pune just a year back. quite friendly and talkative.. i really felt bad for her! Now she has to face one more dreadful thursday at the RTO!
The rest of the day i spent with P, one of my best friends from school.. She is back from abroad, now to permanently settle back in India.. We'd met after a long time and had a lot of things to catch up on.. most importantly her soon to happen marriage! So the evening was spent window shopping with P..
Day ended, and i was exhausted by the time i came back home and slept immediately! But the day was good! Fabulous!

Pravs World....Gods cup of tea!

We are like teabags, whose strength comes out when we're put in hot water.

So, when problems upset you... Just think, you must be God's favorite cup of Tea!

Pravs World........Love while you live...

Realize things before its too late.
Have lots of friends before you are alone.
Accept things rather than deny them.
Love people before you loose them.

Life comes just once.
Love it while you live it.

6 Years...

Its been six years today since me and S have been together. Time flies.. it really does. So many things happened. Right from telling our parents about us, then engagement, the eventful wedding, more eventful life after marriage...
I still remember the day 6 years ago. I dont think anyone would believe, but the proposal happened in the most unromantic way!!
We had become good friends over the six months friendship we had. Simultaneously, we both knew for a long time that this friendship we had will go a step ahead. And on the seventh day of January 2002, S expressed his feelings to me
'over an email!!!' Yes!! over an email.. Well, i was so excited that i even replied back 'by email!!' n then we talked, 'over phone!!'
Well, this might not have been the case with most of the people i suppose, where the two people never actually met on the day when the guy proposed the girl, even though they were seperated by a distance of 15 minutes!!
But still, i am happy cauz we were different in our own way!! :)
Years passed, and at a point we had even decided to break our relation for good! and we had decided to do it not because of any flaws or misunderstandings between us, but because of some external but important factors in our life who had unknowingly created so many issues, that we had to decide on such a disaster!
Disaster, it would have been, if we would have been seperated, if in the end we had not decided to stay together and fight. i cant imagine my life without S.
After marriage too he has been so supportive and understanding.. always taking care that i am not hurt in anyway. Always so enthusiastic, so caring...
And mostly, his trust on me which was not diluted even a bit inspite of a sadist female trying to shake it from its soul foundation...
I am so proud of him. His achievements. His capacity to forgive and forget. His patience.. and his strength to put up with a difficult person like me for 6 long years!
When i look back at these years, there are no regrets at anything what has happened in the past. We both believed and still believe in the sentence 'whatever happens, happens for the best' or rather, 'you have to make the best out of whatever has happened with you!'
And this fact, has helped us fight the most complicated problems which we had to face. And i would not been able to get thru a single one without S!