aching..

yeah.. i am aching.. badly.. i danced yesterday for 3 hours over and over and over again practicing the steps and while going home itself i had started to feel my legs and hands aching. We were discussing on the bus about the dance steps and formations and at that precise moment, the driver applied the breaks. We all leaned forward to see what was happening and at that moment, the bus collided with a truck in front of us who had suddenly applied the breaks (yeah, on a highway and we wud have been running at a speed of about 100 kmph). And Bang! we all collided with the backs of the seats in front of us! Oh my chin is still paining badly!!!
Our driver controlled the bus beautifully. If he would not have, this bump would have resulted in a serious accident. God bless him!
So, am back to office today with my whole body acing from the sudden dance regime and my chin a bit more painful and a bit swollen too.
continued-28feb08
Well, as a matter of fact i am still aching. And fuming too because of lack of co-operation form the OM. It is irritating. I am stuck up just for one email id. Pathetic. anyways, my singing (yes. i am singing too!) and dance practice is going fine. its just today we've got. tomorrow is the competition. i hope we are good. Prize is secondary, performance is important (well, i am going to be disappointed if some one else wins, but still... performance is important!)
Responsibility is going to be added to my current role and that too on the most significant day of my life. Just accepted a meeting invite for the discussion of the same which is to happen soon.
Lot of things are going on in my head. Loads of confusion. I am going to have to change my approach totally towards attacking the problems now. I get very easily distracted. That needs to be changed. And most importantly, passion.. passion abt the work. I need to start belonging to the company, which i often find so difficult. Not only in the professional world, but personal too. I am too independent to get attached to something emotionally. the work is done just because i am getting paid for it. not because of an interest or longing to do it. That part is definitely missing. i am not ashamed to admit it. i dont care. because whatever job has been given to me, it happens on time no matter what! But still, i do feel that somethings missing..
somethings definitely missing.... and that will have to flow in soon.. very soon...

A wish, a dream, a truth...

A wish to write many things, a wish to keep quite, a wish to cry, a wish to smile, a wish to shout aloud and a wish to keep silent... all at the same time. Does it happen to everyone?
i read one of my favourite blogs today. and it just gave me a push to write. i hadnt in a long time and there were so many things trapped inside which i didnt had time to actually pen down!
S is fine now (or so i hope), atleast thats what the doctor said. nothing to worry about as long he takes the medication prescribed. So a bit of tension off the hook.
I finally got an aide. She is quite elder, talks a lot, demanded a lot of money, but has said that will not take leave, and atleast was clean and through with her work! So i dont mind shedding a few extra bucks as long as i dont have to do it myself. Still, i have kept the cooking part to me cauz i will have to cook only for me n s (this is going to happen soon enuf!! *grin*) yeah, alright, i am bad! anything else?
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The dance practice for a competition in office starts today... no need to laugh, i am dancing.. and i hope the stage retains atleast half its strength after the performance is over! alright, join the laugh!
when i told this to sushil, he was..well, i think i better not describe his reaction! but i have decided to myself to have fun, no matter what! to use the words i hate the most 'come what may!'
i dont know why people even use this phrase, it so pathetic and i think gramatically wrong. not that i am even the 'average' category when it comes to language, but still, i hate these words and specially the people who have used it often in the past and may be the present!
well, anyways, whats the point in indulging myself again into the topic which i want to forget for good?
Sitting in an A/C office, doesnt often allow you to bear the sun outside. i am very cold right now, just wish, i'd got my jacket along... ofcourse, this wish will no longer exist when i start my journey back home.
Tomorrow again i am in the city office. so will start late and come early! i just wish that when i come back home, i just have some peace in the house. it must be clean, it musnt be messy, my kitchen should be spotless, just as i had left it while leaving in the morning, then i boil a cup of milk, add some sugar and a lot of coffee, take the cup in my hand, and go n sit at the window watching kids play below. When i finish my coffee, i get up, stretch till my toes below give away, go to the kitchen and start preparation for dinner. By the time i finish it, S arrives, i have another cuppa coffee with him, we discuss the day, we make plans for tomorrow and have a quite dinner with no television running in the background, just listening to soft music...
We go for a stroll after dinner, just walk, hand in hand, letting the silence do the talking, return home and go to sleep in the warm and soft bed...
oh! this seems like a dream! its been ages since we have spent an evening like this.. i just wish that we have that much time and patience for each other to have many more such evenings in near and far future!!

Pravs World... Look within..!

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace.
They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them.
The irony is that the only place they ever needed to search was within themselves.

Updates...

Saturday was a busy day. Early morning i got the news of the shift and the monster inside me held its happy head high and roared with pleasure. In the morning i had to attend a wedding and a ring ceremony in the evening. So it was very busy!
Sunday, S took leave!! *grin*< So happy day all the way!
Monday crept along, and 5.30 in the morning felt like the day shouldnt start! Dragging out of the bed (fortunately it not cold now) and getting ready seemed to take an eternity! Day in the office has started pretty well. Gaining some confidence on the things around. Need to build a lot more.
The reference to the person i hate the most in this world keeps popping up every day or two. I meet someone, somewhere and the topic is inadvertantly dragged in the conversation leaving me fuming at the end because of the memories that surface immediately. Such a conversation happened on saturday evening, where i was expecting the person to turn up, with half a desire saying i didnt want to see the face, and half saying i wanted to slap it! Anyways, the first half won, and i had a peaceful time.
Life seems empty. With nothing happening. Just the routine of getting up and coming to office and going home to again come to the office the next day. No fun, no outings, and i am fed up of cooking and cleaning (yeah, still havent got an aide!!) and i am fed up of listening to the bickering at home.
Yesterday we had gone to my SILs place. She has re-decorated the house and the idea appealed to me so much, that i decided it was about time to bring in some changes at the place where i live, to call it a home. Well, one change (which will help me embrace the fact that it is a home) will be happening this month end, and then remain all the materialistic things, which can be managed easily! So time to start thinking how to redecorate the house!!

Harry Potter

I am reading the series third time already! And this time too, i find it so good and enchanting. Reading it, is already encouraging me to read it once more in future.
First time i read it, i missed many things, loose threads, minor clues. When i read it the second time, i could link everything up making connections in my head to the facts that were all closed in the seventh book.
Reading the third time, i still find it amazing because i can now concentrate on the language that has been used. the words, the phrases, the expression of feelings (which is amazing.. you can actually feel them while you are reading the book. The imagination of scenes, just as if it is happening in front of your eyes (and with the star cast already seen in the 5 movies, you can imagine them very well; though, movies were a big disappointment when compared to the books!)
Anyways, so i shall be completing the series 3rd time by sunday. Well not a feat, really! i could have done much better, constructive things during this time.. but reading HP just makes me drift from my worries, from the problems, from this world (which is getting more n more dreadful with pollution and weather change and so many murders and riots and rapes and horrible things)
So getting away from these worries and entering the magical world of JKR feels wonderful. Though there is nothing permanent in that, finally i have to realise which world I am living in and continue playing my part in it to make this world a better place!!

Long Time...

a long day. Work pending for yesterday done.
the list of work to be done updated! (phew!!)
Requested meeting by B of me, him and R tomorrow to discuss abt me! (*grin*)
I knew that my mobile dangling on a rope around my neck is a safety issue and i had to sort it out permanently. unfortunately BB saw it today and raised the concerns! :(
I have to come out with a solution now.
Anyways, glad to have a lot of stuff done which i couldnt do yesterday and cauz of which the boiling point of my anger was as usual reached by the time i went home!
There is a growing concern about S which actually welled up inside me yesterday when mum saw him after a fortnight and got into a state of panic, eventually extending it to me too. Doc says he will have to be on medication for some more time (believe me, this some more time is in years) which i came to know today morn and felt as if a cold steel brick was sliding down my throat and settled with the thump in my stomach! He realised the panic in my voice and i hope has got serious about the issue too. Now i need to explain this to my ILs to please leave him alone for some years so that he can recover fully. I hope, I pray, i beg to God.. Oh please, hear me out this one time!!

A quote from Pravs World
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Don't assume you've lots of time for all you want to do.
Though the future seems to stretch away into the blue...

Maybe you intend to scale those summits far away...,
But all that matters - is the hill you've got to climb today.
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Just to say 'I am alive!!'
Loads to tell; but nothing to write...

Another Story

Another story from which i would like to take inspiration from. This tells me that to be successful, you just need to know yourself the best and act accordingly... and the success is all yours...

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A 10-year-old boy decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident. The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei,"(Teacher in Japanese) the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?" This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied. Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament.

Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.

"No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue." Soon after the match

resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard.

Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament.

He was the champion. On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match.

Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"

"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost

mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo.

And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."

The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.

Each of us is special and important, so never think you have any weakness, and never think of pride or pain.

05/02/08

Got to handle the first RM supplier (in person) today. When I took them on a round of the organization, they were asking me many questions, to which I did not knew the answers. At that time I understood, there is still so much I do not know. They were asking questions and I was answering, ‘I’ll have to check that out’
I felt like stabbing myself in the heart and die right there at that moment! And on top of that, the lady comes and tells B that I did a good job. I was pink with embarrassment. Probably, that was precisely the reason XB sent me with them. Oh lord!
Now, I need to be prepared for the meeting that is supposed to happen the day after. I want to make sure that I don’t feel like killing myself then.
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Home front - glad to say that I still haven’t got any aide to work and I am going home and doing everything. But the positive side says that I am losing a bit of weight in that process. *smile*
S’s blood reports did not come out to be entirely normal. And I am a hell lot worried about him. The doctors attribute it to the ‘tension’ and I do the same. Who do I attribute this to? That female who created the 'hell' of the situation or myself for landing in such a situation and not acting at a proper time?
Well, as the comparison was made between me and her (that I acted so wrong and she would have done the right thing if she was in my place), I will like to say that I am doing the right thing. I am not going to (and I never have) attribute the problems in my life to some one else (as opposed to what she did, all the time!!). What happens in my life is because of my decisions and my actions and no one elses. I will not blame anyone for what has happened in my life simply because I DO NOT give this power of creating ‘hell OR heaven’ in my life to anyone else on this earth except myself. And I chose to create heaven not hell of what has happened. And I will…
I hadn’t made any new years resolution, but here goes my first
My new years resolution says that
1. I will not do or say anything which might trouble S and make him tense.
2. I will try my best not to repeat my mistakes because of which S is unhappy
3. I will stop pestering him about ILs (this by far is the most difficult thing to do…… but hell, summers just around the corner!!!)
4. I will try and not be lazy and cook good food which he enjoys having the most (yeah.. the route to a guys heart is via his stomach!! No complaints there, cauz I already got the heart!! :D)
5. Well, enough resolutions for now!

Wish me luck guys!!!

Restricting Access

I am wondering whether to restrict access for the blog. the blogs very personal. and i feel very vulnarable expressing my feelings so openly. i feel very vulnarable cauz of the fact that anyone can read my thoughts. Dangerous.. quite dangerous..
What do i do?