everything will be fine for you soon....

my friend delivered a baby girl in september.. it was close to my heart because i was supposed to on 10th september and her due date was 11th sept. it was just a day apart...
'everything will be fine for you soon...' she said when i told her about me.
yes.. everything will be fine..
i have started my job, the husband has started his job, we are settled in our new house. the FIL is not talking to the husband (does anyone see me complaining?). the in-laws (none of them) have to come to see our new place inspite of inviting them over and over again. well, yes, everything is normal, for everyone.
the loss was after all ours. and we have learned to live with it because we cant do anything else. its the deepest feeling of helplessness. and it is very annoying.
as for me, i cant wait to become a mother.. people have suggested we should take a break for a year. i agree too. but its just that i cant wait to be a mother. i cant wait for some one to call me 'mum'
home front, its really busy.. i hardly get time for anything. but on priority i need to start to exercise. i need to lose weight. the aftereffects of an unsuccessful pregnancy have started showing. My asthema which had disappeared about 5 years ago has come back with a bang. i spend sleepless nights just because i cant breathe!
my feet are swollen. my body still aches. i still get tired very easily.
healing is indeed a very slow process, but i need to speed that up. and for that, i now need to exercise.
office is good. i havent been yet 'officially' given the major responsibilities. though it wont be long now. i will be travelling abroad in late november. my first out of country tour. its exciting. but there is also a lot of anxiety, because it is going to be very cold there. and with my asthema, i hope i will be able to survive!
the husband is doing good. he gets late everyday. yes. it is irritating. even now, i am waiting for him to come home and talk to him, which we get to do rarely now a days.
isnt my life the most sadistic!
well. i do plan to bring about some changes.. very fast.
the new house is a major catalyst for that.
meanwhile we had gone to a place called Kaas... some photos from there.. its all the hubands work... i just went with him and kept a lot of patience when he was away clicking photographs...

An object of sympathy..

a lot of people knew that i was on maternity leave. and now when i meet them, they give a big smile, congratulate me and ask if its a girl or a boy.
'i had a still born delivery', i say.
'Oh', the first reply
'i am sorry to hear that!', the second one...
some how it is not very difficult to tell this to acquaintences. i dont break down. i look into their eyes when i tell what happened. my eyes do not fill with tears.
but all the more, as the days pass, i miss my baby more and more. the sorrow deepens and i realise that no matter how many children i have in my later life, my first son (i wanted to name him Aditya) will always hold a very special place in my heart. He will always be in my memory. i might name my next son, Aditya, after my first.

'but its all upto u em, uve been given the right to lead ur life...lead it as u wish
and try to stop blaming others. sorry if that sounds harsh', says my friend, whom i have not met till date but have talked to 'n' number of times about all the things... his chat window is the venting place for me.. he says..
i dont really remember when i have blamed anything on other people. good or bad, i have always owned my actions. i have done what i want. because, then the life i make, i know, is because of me and no one else. so i am happy.
i did make some wrong decisions. and i will not repeat them. but i am happy about everything that happened with me. all the people i met, all the decisions i took, i am happy.

Sunday was good. in the evening, i accompanied the husband to the place where his parents are building a house. i did expect something nice and classy. but what i saw was a shock! well, one mistake i make again and again.. i expect!
i do have to stop doing that. anyways,
so, this place is in a rural area and its an open plot which is meant for a farmhouse. When i imagine a farmhouse, i always imagine a cosy little space, warm, probably where we would make a lot of use of wood, a nice fireplace, thick curtains and a carpet.. a wooden floor...
but what has been built is of concrete, and with huge rooms and... well...
i can understand, think big! but u should know where and how to make use of thinking big! its a complete waste of money as far as me and the husband are concerned. we would never go and stay in that place. probably just a weekend or two. and may be it would be just the husband who goes there..
but ofcourse the in-laws might like it.. you know,they think, the bigger some thing is, the more grand it is. none of my concern though. its their land and their money. i dont care any more. i did. for the husband. i still sometimes think i should. but as they say, do not repeat your mistakes. i will not repeat this mistake.
anyways, i got a lot of work to do. got to go...

I miss him...

We visited the factory on a weekend (shop floor was working) and paid a surprised visit to check if people are aware and are following the rules. i was not really keen on coming, but K insisted and i could not say no. nothing was really out of the place so, suddenly i started feeling that the visit was all the more a waste!
after my delivery, i didnt speak to anyone except my parents and the husband for over a fortnight. then i realised that the more i postpone speaking to other people, the more difficult it would be. people avoid mentioning this subject to me, but i feel, are sometimes also keen to know about what happened, from my mouth, in my words. people are judging me, testing me to see how i react to various situation and subjects. they will be satisfied if they see me sad and gloomy and crying other than the smiling, happy me.. i think..
while coming to the factory we went to Sops house. She is my colleague who delivered a baby girl 6 months ago.. She left for her maternity leave, and i was just in my first trimester. K was with us. She was observing me, carefully when i was holding Sops baby to see my reactions.
what should i do? just breakdown in front of everyone? cry aloud? so people will understand the pain and sorrow we are going through!
everytime i will see all the kids of the girls i know who have delivered during this period, i will always think that if everything would have gone right, my son would be the same age that these kids are, and everytime i will lapse into the future of my dead son.
if only he was alive... if only!
i miss the kicks and prods of him in my womb. i miss talking to him day and night and telling him what all happened. i miss being not able to sleep till 11 p.m. at night because my son used to be awake till that time, inside me. i miss being woken up at 7.00 a.m. sharp because my son used to wake up at that time...
i miss being pregnant. i miss the wait of the nine months to hold my baby. i miss my son, whom i didnt hold, even once.......

If only...

Everything is just the same at work. its like a typical hindi or marathi soap... it goes on for years and years. even if you stop watching it for a couple of months, and then try to watch it again, it is very easy to pick up the happenings, cauz nothing really would have changed. same is with the office. nothings changed...
i have come a long way. the past nine months were equivalent to a lifetime for me... today is 8th sept... if everything would have been okay, i would be 2 days away from my due date. 10th september......... well, so was not to be..
the more time i spend alone, the thoughts have started coming back with a bang...
the questions... why us?
the guilt... all the times i was angry, i was irritated and the times when i troubled myself mentally during my pregnancy
the helplessness... i could do nothing to prevent it from happening
the anger... towards all those people who should have, but didnt care
the anger... towards myself of not having taken the strong decisions at the right time...
the future... would this happen again?
all that think of is, if only...............!! if only...
i am trying to be busy. trying to think of something else. trying to think of a bright future. trying to think of work. but the sorrow still remains, as severe and as deep as it was on the day i learnt of my sons death.

we shifted out of my mom's house. the move was very difficult. i was to shift out with my husband and my child.. we moved out, but just the two of us... temporarily we are staying in the inlaws house. a decision which i was not really for. we will move out by 20th. most of the things have been shifted. we just need to buy a few things and get the fittings done in our home....
our home... at last... a place which i can call my own.. a place where no one will come and tell me or my husband, 'this is our house. you dont have any right here'
a place to which i can finally connect with...
the impatience is mounting. i cant wait to move in.. in OUR home.

Atleast one dream turns into reality...

we bought a house.... pictures will follow soon...

Empty Days...

These days were supposed to be full of fun and the exciting wait. though, it all ended in a matter of moments...
all i am doing now is to wait. wait for 15 more days when i have my checkup and then i am allowed to go out.
wait to find a house which fits our liking and our budget. wait to finalize the deal. wait to move into our own house.
wait to rejoin the company. wait, wait, wait.....
i wont be going back to that house where i used to live, probably ever. and i prefer it that way. i prefer to be on my own now. and that way it will be.
all the tension, worries, emotional turmoil i went through for the last 9 months seems so worthless now.... ofcourse, i have had to pay a very price for all that... a very heavy price...
the house is definitely on the cards now. i am not very proud of reaching this milestone. it will always remind me of what it has cost us to achieve it. and of the fact that it was a bit late... a bit too late...

The Demise...

those were the words in the USG report that struck like a knife plunged straight into the heart.
my baby hadnt moved for about 12 hours. i was not alarmed really. i just thought the movements were clashing with my sleeping pattern and i was waiting for the baby to move. i was at my mom's when i mentioned this to her. she panicked. 'call the gynac now!'
really! there was no reason to panic! me and the husband exchanged exasperated looks. still, i called the hospital and we went over. the doctor was not in, so we waited. having had a good lunch, i was feeling asleep. the doctor came in. i went in for a check up. he tried to listen to the heart beats by some doppler machine. he tried and tried but was unsuccessful. having seen my case file, he said, it is difficult to listen to the heart beats if the baby is in the prostrate position. well, ok, i said. afterall, all my reports to date were entirely normal. i had my routine check up just 6 days back. so what would go wrong suddenly? we came back. though a small nagging had begun in my head, i still convinced myself that everything was normal. we went for a re-checkup the next day where again there was an unsuccessful attempt of listening to the baby's heartbeat. i was still not alarmed. the doctor asked us to do a USG that evening to get a clear picture.
we went back to the clinic to do the USG. the doctor there didnt tell us anything. he just said, i will give the report in 5 mins. we took the report, went to the hospital. while waiting to see the doctor, we read the report. it announced that there was no cardiac activity, the fetus appeared crumpled and an inter uterine demise was suggested.
the husband snapped shut the report. i couldn't breathe. for the first time in my life i knew what an emotional shock felt like. no tears came till i actually understood what the report said. 5 mins we were waiting in a room full of happy couples, all would be parents, with a 8 month old fetus in my stomach who was now pronounced dead. it felt like an eternity till the time the doctor called us in. i was admitted in the hospital the same evening. next day we had a repeat USG to confirm the report. there was no miracle waiting to happen. the report was confirmed.
Tuesday, 28th july 2009, i was given a pill to induce labor. it started well within 4 hours. i always wanted a normal delivery. and here i was, in labor, progressing towards a normal delivery. the pains became unbearable by 8 p.m. the doctor said delivery would happen by the next morning. i still had atleast 10 hours before i would eventually deliver, that too if the tablet kept its effect and the labor continued. otherwise they would administer another tablet the next day.
at 11 p.m. the dilation was still 10% only. i wouldnt mind the pain, but the pain combined with a heart full of sorrow, was a little too much to handle. it might sound dramatic, but at one point i really thought, death would be better....
'cant we do a Cesarean and get over with it?' i told my mum to ask the doctor.
'no', he said, 'we will wait till morning and decide at 6.00 a.m.'
'alright, you have to go through this' i told my self. every 5 mins felt like an hour. at 2.00 a.m., it was impossible for me to even lie down. i tried sitting, standing, walking, nothing helped. my legs were paining. my mom stayed up with me from 2.00 a.m. to 4.00 a.m. massaging my legs, my back and trying to get me through it. the contraction that came at 4.00 a.m. lasted and lasted and lasted. mom called the nurse. i was taken to the delivery room. the doctor announced that i was 80% dilated and would deliver in half an hour. the physical pain ended at 4.50 a.m. on the morning of 29th of July 2009. i delivered a boy. he didnt even breath once.
i felt strangely calm after the delivery. i talked with the doctor. i asked him, 'would this repeat if i decide to take another chance?' 'no' he said, 'there was a very little chance that it would'.
i was brought to my room. the husband was there waiting for me. he looked at me, he smiled, and i smiled back.
the baby was to be taken, away, to a cemetery. i could hear a lot of commotion outside. i was lying in my bed thinking if i should see the baby. i thought everyone will shout me down if i ask to see the baby. so i just decided not to without even demanding to be allowed. and i have regretted my decision ever since. and i will regret the decision for my entire life. the husband took the baby. they buried him. when he came back he looked as if he had suffered a hundred battles. i cant imagine what he must have felt carrying his dead son in his arms and laying him on the ground to be buried. the husband has promised me that he will take me to the place. he informed all the close people. requested them not to come and meet me.
my brother in law and my sister in law were there the whole time with us. whatever differences there might be, i will never forget in my entire life that they were there for us during our difficult time.
weak as i was, i was still discharged the next day. i preferred it that way. i preferred to be at home.
the shock and sorrow were over. then came the pain. it is still difficult to go through the month. all the dates will come and go by.
3rd august - beginning of my ninth month when i was supposed to shift to my mom's.
15-16th august - the two days me and the husband were planning to spend together, just us.... probably the rare time we would get for ourselves before the baby was born, we thought...
22nd august - the day i wanted my baby to be born. whole, healthy and alive.
10th September - my due date.
mid November - the baby's naming ceremony.
the bubble of my dreams, of my happiness burst and left me with nothing. i didnt even hold my baby.
my perfect little family........... i dont know what to say..... it is still a dream....

The show.....

Finally, i got my wish to see the Rahmania show again before my delivery. i dont know when the next show is going to be again, and i am sure i will not be able to attend that if it does happen anytime within the next 5-6 months. Rahmania and Harry Potter movie are the two things i want to watch before i go into labor (yeah.. as if the folks and the husband are going to allow me to go out in such crowded places once i enter the final month!!) cauz i know i will sourly miss these two things if they are happening at any place and i am not able to go.
well, the show was good. though i felt it did lack some luster because of the absence of a particular Mr. Jasraj Joshi who plays a good part to make the stage more lively, though the entire troupe did a very good job. it was worth the money we spent (which we actually wouldnt have, if i would not have been in the delicate condition. we would have waited for the next show! :)) and the distance we had travelled. for the first time in my life i went the Chinchwad to watch a show.
so now that leaves the 6th HP movie to be watched which we are planning to see next sunday, and that would complete my 'entertainment' wishlist b4 the baby is born.
the preparation for the arrival is not yet started. it will be sometime after a month that we will be starting the preparations. getting the clothes and the crib and stuff. for now i can just say that i am getting bigger and bigger each day. though i yet do not have had the necessity of buying large clothes for myself. well, that should tell you how plump (i deliberately avoid using the word fat! ;P) i was before the pregnancy. a lot of care and other things prevented the weight gain that happens in the early pregnancy. and that has lead me to gain only a couple of kilos till date. well ofcourse my and the baby's vital signs are all okay. so there was no compromise on the health!
i have now come back to my in-laws house for about 10 days. then i and the husband will be off to my parents house for 4 months! relief. and after that i have certain plans which i will write about once implemented.
anyways, so now, i am waiting for the HP movie. lets see how that turns out!

Progressing towards the finale

Well, i am excited. more anxious to get over with another month and a half. that will be end of august and i mostly would have already delivered (or be on the verge of delivering) my baby.
i am excited, nervous, tensed. but yes, i guess i am very much prepared. since i am not working, i have plenty of time to sit and think how i am going to bring up my kid, how am i going to manage my job and manage to be there for my baby when ever she/he needs me? how am i going to have my perfect little family with nothing but love in it? thinking is very different than doing. but then, i have got enough time to think it thru..!
we were on the verge of booking a flat in a construction scheme. however, we cancelled the booking at the last moment. we could manage with a loan. our salaries were sufficient to get the loan sanctioned. but we were not comfortable with the amount that was being left in our hand after the expenses and EMI that was going to get cut off. and with the baby coming, we really have no idea how much our living expenses would go up. plus there was the problem of paying the upfront money. we could manage if we wanted to, but we would have drawn out on our every bank account and deposits and gold reserves (not that i have a huge amount of gold, but we have managed to gather some since our marriage, as emergency funds, which now lies safely in the bank locker!) but again, with the upcoming delivery and not knowing what complications might come up during that, we needed to have spare cash at hand. so we decided best to wait. anyways, in a month and halfs time we would be moving in with my parents. and i would stay there till november / december atleast. till then we can decide on the options of buying / renting a house. i am not very keen on returning here if the in-laws are planning to stay in this house. but well, that remains to be decided in due course.
days and nights have started becoming tiresome now. much to my gynacologists delight, i have now started gaining weight. a little by little ofcourse, but i have started gaining. i have started identifying my baby sleeping patterns. i know when the kids going to wake up and start kicking me. mostly it is late in the night or early morning. so in short, that makes my nights sleep almost useless. i make up for it during the day ofcourse. but at nights, i keep tossing and turning in the bed, eventually disturbing the husbands sleep as well. not that he complaints. sometimes i wonder which wonderful thing i have done in my life that i got a husband like him! dont want to get philosophical. but i would have been a wreck without him.
we have managed to get our finances in check as well. by the end of this week, we will be entirely loan free. our car will be in our name and there will be no EMI's getting deducted from the salary. so finally the 'net payable' in our salaries, will be the net amount we will get in hand. and then ofcourse, we will go on about buying our own place. i hope that day comes soon enough.
in the mean time i am trying to go through each and every day. waiting for the time to pass. waiting for the time when i hold my kid in my hands, for the first time. waiting for the time when i see the husband cuddle the baby close to him.
waiting to be a mother...

Life @ Home...

its been 2 months now that i am not going to work. first 3 weeks were a whirlwind because i was not well and the first week i was in a hospital in terrible pain. i just wished that i were dead. ofcourse, the pain was not so much, it is just that my tolerance to the pain is very low and the emotional outbursts in my head made it impossible for me to be in peace.
i gradually regained control of self which i dont know how i had lost. i couldnt have done so ofcourse if the husband had not been there with me, throughout.
i am back in my in-laws house now. will be going back to my mom's house in a month and halfs time. and will stay there for 2 months atleast. The husband will also be shifting with me. so this house will be locked.
yesterday had a gossip session with my MIL (things are better between us is what she thinks, but i alone know the whole truth!). well, she confessed that she will never be able to live with her elder son and daughter in law. they have been horrible to them. well then, how can we live with you? i said to myself.
i could have said that aloud, but i didnt want to interrupt my 'with much difficulty' achieved peace of mind. so i kept quite.. and well, they would be nice to us now seeing what was the result of their behavior with me, and considering the fact that they have no choice but to stay with us.
i had been to a fortune reader once. he was able to tell my past perfectly just be seeing my birth date and my thumb impression. so i believe, that atleast 50% of the things he has told me about my future would be true! he had said that things will not be going great between the parents in-law and the brother in-law. The husband did not believe this at all. ''Impossible'. this is all going to be crap' he had said.
But crap it was not intended to be. things started materializing in front of us, screaming the truth out. things were definitely not going well between the two of them. The husband was left with no choice but to believe!
well, getting to the point, he had also said that you will have to take care of your in-laws. do i believe it? do i act on it already? what do i do? a question that will be laid to rest in time, i suppose. and so be it..
yesterday i had a surprise person visit my house. it feels really great for some person to care so much for you, when infact they are actually not so related to you. the big bosses wife had come to give me 'Jeffery Archer' books to read! well i had just casually mentioned last week that i have exhausted my entire stock already (having read most of the books 3 times by now!). so they just lent me some of their stock. cool na? i just admired the fact that they remembered this casual remark and acted on it. just to make my life more enjoyable. and i mean, i am just another person in the factory he heads! it was really heart touching. i hope i am also able to be so sensitive to other peoples needs.