I do not ask to walk smooth paths nor bear an easy load.
I pray for strength and fortitude to climb the rock strewn road.
Give me such courage and I can scale the hardest peaks alone;
And then I shall learn to transform every stumbling block into a stepping stone.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I really dont know what to title this one!
Things are moving ahead and I am being pushed to perform. I am happy and scared at the same time because there are so many expectations from me. And I dread the moment when and if people will come and tell me that I could not fulfill those expectations. This fear outperforms my desire to work and I get a huge setback, being able to do nothing of the things I am supposed to do.
Again this time, I am relying on the fact that writing these things will help me abate the fear and start working in the right direction. Believing in the saying that ‘better late than ever’, I will be atleast partially be able to fulfill the expectations people have of me.
Things at home are fine. Nothing special. We celebrated S’s birthday in a different way. It was not planned really. Things just unfolded on the spur of the moment. First, BB was going to give a party in Pizza hut. And me and s had planned to go out for dinner with family. His side of the ‘so called’ family; meaning his parents, brother and sis in law weren’t going to come. This we understood in the afternoon of S’s birthday. They had to go to the sis in laws sisters place for dinner. Pathetic. I know! But, I don’t think I missed anything in life because of their absence. I cudnt be more glad. S was upset. Of course. But its time he realizes what his ‘so called family’ is and how much he means to them.
He wont realize this, the way he is. He will forget the way they have treated him in a couple of hours. Ironically, that’s what I love the most about him. Forgive and forget. He preaches it and practices at all times in his life.
But me, I used to be ‘forgive but never forget’. Slowly, I am turning into ‘neither forgive, nor forget’. Its life. I have become like this because of the choices I have made. And I know that the choices I make are going to create some sparks in our life. But people here are ‘I-me-myself’. A bang is needed to make them aware that the world apart from them exists. I don’t care. But it matters to me that atleast S’s family realizes that he is not happy with what is going on.
So, was telling about S’s birthday. So his ‘family’ was not going to be there. Probably they didn’t think it was important enough to be there with the member of their ‘family’.
I am channeling my anger thru him. I am not totally correct on my part doing this. but i didnt see any other way. so i made the choice.
Aso, so S had come to pick me up at pizza hut. And when everyone from my office came to know that he is outside, they insisted to call him in. Then he came, sat with us, ate pizza and chit-chatted. There is a custom in PHut that all the boys there sing a song for the birthday boy/girl. So AD insisted that we tell them it was S’s birthday. We did, and they sang a hip-hop birthday song. And everyone applauded. Everyone apart from the people with whom he feels so close was there for him on his birthday.
Then we went for dinner (we didn’t eat that much pizza!!). Kay, her daughter and her hubby joined us too along with my mum n dad. We had a nice light dinner. Had a laugh. Had a nice time together. At the end of the day I was happy the way we spent his birthday. But he was not entirely. He couldn’t understand the reason for his family not being there with him the day he had successfully lived the 27th year of his life. He still doesn’t!
Again this time, I am relying on the fact that writing these things will help me abate the fear and start working in the right direction. Believing in the saying that ‘better late than ever’, I will be atleast partially be able to fulfill the expectations people have of me.
Things at home are fine. Nothing special. We celebrated S’s birthday in a different way. It was not planned really. Things just unfolded on the spur of the moment. First, BB was going to give a party in Pizza hut. And me and s had planned to go out for dinner with family. His side of the ‘so called’ family; meaning his parents, brother and sis in law weren’t going to come. This we understood in the afternoon of S’s birthday. They had to go to the sis in laws sisters place for dinner. Pathetic. I know! But, I don’t think I missed anything in life because of their absence. I cudnt be more glad. S was upset. Of course. But its time he realizes what his ‘so called family’ is and how much he means to them.
He wont realize this, the way he is. He will forget the way they have treated him in a couple of hours. Ironically, that’s what I love the most about him. Forgive and forget. He preaches it and practices at all times in his life.
But me, I used to be ‘forgive but never forget’. Slowly, I am turning into ‘neither forgive, nor forget’. Its life. I have become like this because of the choices I have made. And I know that the choices I make are going to create some sparks in our life. But people here are ‘I-me-myself’. A bang is needed to make them aware that the world apart from them exists. I don’t care. But it matters to me that atleast S’s family realizes that he is not happy with what is going on.
So, was telling about S’s birthday. So his ‘family’ was not going to be there. Probably they didn’t think it was important enough to be there with the member of their ‘family’.
I am channeling my anger thru him. I am not totally correct on my part doing this. but i didnt see any other way. so i made the choice.
Aso, so S had come to pick me up at pizza hut. And when everyone from my office came to know that he is outside, they insisted to call him in. Then he came, sat with us, ate pizza and chit-chatted. There is a custom in PHut that all the boys there sing a song for the birthday boy/girl. So AD insisted that we tell them it was S’s birthday. We did, and they sang a hip-hop birthday song. And everyone applauded. Everyone apart from the people with whom he feels so close was there for him on his birthday.
Then we went for dinner (we didn’t eat that much pizza!!). Kay, her daughter and her hubby joined us too along with my mum n dad. We had a nice light dinner. Had a laugh. Had a nice time together. At the end of the day I was happy the way we spent his birthday. But he was not entirely. He couldn’t understand the reason for his family not being there with him the day he had successfully lived the 27th year of his life. He still doesn’t!
Friday, August 22, 2008
theres nothing worst than this that can happen!
Days turn into nights and nights give way to days. And time passes. Very fast.
Things change. And so have I, in many aspects of life. Yes, AGAIN!
I have become harsh with S especially when it comes to his parents and brother and his admission process. Perhaps because I was subdued with my team in the office. But now the things have turned around. Rather BB has asked me to turn things around.
Take one!
‘When u are in a leadership position, never try hard to remain in the good books of team. If u work in a way where you always want people to like you, ur team will never be successful’
eyes widened, mouth hanging half open... I was listening. Mentally I made a note to strangle myself for not realizing this earlier.
Take two
‘People need to understand that u are working for the company and this is not personal. And if people take this personally, it is their problem not yours’
Take three
‘you have the entire support of the management. When you have any issues, at any time, just tell us. That’s all you have to do.’
Geared up. But still a bit skeptical. Lets see how things turn out.
Hope for the best because there is nothing worst that can happen.
Things change. And so have I, in many aspects of life. Yes, AGAIN!
I have become harsh with S especially when it comes to his parents and brother and his admission process. Perhaps because I was subdued with my team in the office. But now the things have turned around. Rather BB has asked me to turn things around.
Take one!
‘When u are in a leadership position, never try hard to remain in the good books of team. If u work in a way where you always want people to like you, ur team will never be successful’
eyes widened, mouth hanging half open... I was listening. Mentally I made a note to strangle myself for not realizing this earlier.
Take two
‘People need to understand that u are working for the company and this is not personal. And if people take this personally, it is their problem not yours’
Take three
‘you have the entire support of the management. When you have any issues, at any time, just tell us. That’s all you have to do.’
Geared up. But still a bit skeptical. Lets see how things turn out.
Hope for the best because there is nothing worst that can happen.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
looong time...... i have been gone again for quite some time.
there is been a reason.. i have been very busy. first office, then home, then laziness of not taking the pains to write. then this horrific cough and cold and fever.
i am better now. not entirely. but much better than what i was yesterday. i am taking about 12 tablets (purely medicinal) / day. i have never taken so many tablets / day in my entire lifetime! well, circumstances change, dont they?
so lifes going fine. not too bad not too good either.
one of my collegues left the company. he was a sort of guide, a mentor to me. yes, guess that, i did shed some tears on his last day. unexpected to me too. but i felt bad. specially for the reason he left the organization.
personal life is going good. about time my in-laws will move back into the house we are staying. enduring 6 months of their presence is going to be no short of an 'agni pariksha!' i dont know how i will be able to take it this one more time specially after what all happened in the past few months. times are testing. unkindly..
well, i will leave now. unexpected, untimely and abrupt. but there is something more important which i am trying to dig up... laters.......
there is been a reason.. i have been very busy. first office, then home, then laziness of not taking the pains to write. then this horrific cough and cold and fever.
i am better now. not entirely. but much better than what i was yesterday. i am taking about 12 tablets (purely medicinal) / day. i have never taken so many tablets / day in my entire lifetime! well, circumstances change, dont they?
so lifes going fine. not too bad not too good either.
one of my collegues left the company. he was a sort of guide, a mentor to me. yes, guess that, i did shed some tears on his last day. unexpected to me too. but i felt bad. specially for the reason he left the organization.
personal life is going good. about time my in-laws will move back into the house we are staying. enduring 6 months of their presence is going to be no short of an 'agni pariksha!' i dont know how i will be able to take it this one more time specially after what all happened in the past few months. times are testing. unkindly..
well, i will leave now. unexpected, untimely and abrupt. but there is something more important which i am trying to dig up... laters.......
When the sun rises........
Every morning in Africa, When the Sun rises,
A deer awakens, Knowing it has to outrun the fastest Lion,
Or, be hunted to death...
But... When the Sun rises,
A lion awakens, Knowing it has to outrun the slowest deer,
Or, be starved to death...
It does not matter whether you are a deer or lion,
When the Sun rises,
Better be running at your best...
A deer awakens, Knowing it has to outrun the fastest Lion,
Or, be hunted to death...
But... When the Sun rises,
A lion awakens, Knowing it has to outrun the slowest deer,
Or, be starved to death...
It does not matter whether you are a deer or lion,
When the Sun rises,
Better be running at your best...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Post number 100
Long time since i started this stint with writing 'what i feel' on this blog. To be true, i have not entirely been honest with myself. I have not completely written what i felt, always..
but still, here i am writing for the umpteenth time which is going to be published as 'post number 100'
When i was young, i was very quite, shy (i still am) and i never thought i wud speak this openly with anyone. let alone write a blog open to public. ASO.
things are getting heavy. loads of work. i even dream about office. and then, sometimes (thats become many times a week now) the fatigue takes over and i do nothing for a long time. (this is one way of letting out my fatigue.. writing a post!) then i realise that i am lagging on so many things and panic takes over. then i complete everything in haste and then sit idle for sometime again.
oh man! it is pathetic. and then i am tensed about shedding this loads and loads of extra kilos i have put over the past many years, and never ever tried to do something about it!
even now i am not trying particularly hard to do anything about it. i am just thinking that i shud do this and do that and what not. god help me doing this. but its high time now and i have to take some serious actions on that...
one thing i dont understand! why the hell am i being so negative on my 100th post????????
Okay, i am just back from a meeting (a technical meeting at that!!) to return back undertstanding what to do, but no idea what so ever how to do it. so i need to seriously start burning some midnight oil and start coping up with the shortfalls and try to become someone whom the people cant fool so often than going home and reading Harry Potter books (yeah.. again!!)
things need to change and i need that enthusiasm in me again. to make things simpler, i have made a master plan (this is the effect of being involved in ur work emotionally!!) and i plan to stick to it.
i will keep updating the status... i hope its 'green' all the time!
chao...
Edited to add: If you really count, the published posts on this blog are 84. However, there were some 16 posts which were published and then deleted. big number to delete! i know...
Point to note, that i have included these 16 posts in the count as well because all those posts did hit the publish button at some point of time...
So devdas, hope ur query is solved. and thanks for taking the pains to count the number of posts!! :P
but still, here i am writing for the umpteenth time which is going to be published as 'post number 100'
When i was young, i was very quite, shy (i still am) and i never thought i wud speak this openly with anyone. let alone write a blog open to public. ASO.
things are getting heavy. loads of work. i even dream about office. and then, sometimes (thats become many times a week now) the fatigue takes over and i do nothing for a long time. (this is one way of letting out my fatigue.. writing a post!) then i realise that i am lagging on so many things and panic takes over. then i complete everything in haste and then sit idle for sometime again.
oh man! it is pathetic. and then i am tensed about shedding this loads and loads of extra kilos i have put over the past many years, and never ever tried to do something about it!
even now i am not trying particularly hard to do anything about it. i am just thinking that i shud do this and do that and what not. god help me doing this. but its high time now and i have to take some serious actions on that...
one thing i dont understand! why the hell am i being so negative on my 100th post????????
Okay, i am just back from a meeting (a technical meeting at that!!) to return back undertstanding what to do, but no idea what so ever how to do it. so i need to seriously start burning some midnight oil and start coping up with the shortfalls and try to become someone whom the people cant fool so often than going home and reading Harry Potter books (yeah.. again!!)
things need to change and i need that enthusiasm in me again. to make things simpler, i have made a master plan (this is the effect of being involved in ur work emotionally!!) and i plan to stick to it.
i will keep updating the status... i hope its 'green' all the time!
chao...
Edited to add: If you really count, the published posts on this blog are 84. However, there were some 16 posts which were published and then deleted. big number to delete! i know...
Point to note, that i have included these 16 posts in the count as well because all those posts did hit the publish button at some point of time...
So devdas, hope ur query is solved. and thanks for taking the pains to count the number of posts!! :P
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Changed...
Started office. Faced the changes. And now taking in more and more changes by the day. Loads of changes happening with people around me. It seems like management is on a spree to make things......... well........ change.
I don’t know if they are right or wrong. I don’t know if they are good or bad. What ever they are, kay says, they are well planned. They plan for years to come. For people, for the factory.. for everything.
Well, as for now, I am not able to make logic out of some cases. Some are crystal clear though.
Anyways, so much for office and so much for work. I am realizing lately that I am walking and talking and eating and sleeping just office and work and office and work and nothing else.
Things are good at home. They say, in marriage, troubles lie till you cross the seventh year. There are many ups and downs in the phase of first seven years. Then, life is set.
I feel the same way. Yes, I am married for 2 ½ years only. But I and S are together for around 7 years now. And I do feel ‘Set’. Somehow a different feeling has started sinking in. my love for S has changed...... in a better way. It has become so strong and so live and so deep rooted that now nothing and no one will be able to harm it in any way.
There have been times where I had just felt of walking away from this life I was leading and being alone.... but now, no more. And I don’t think I would feel that way ever again.
Things have changed... yes... in my personal and professional life as well...
I have learned to say no. I have learned to ask questions. I have learned to raise my concerns. I have learned to fight... for myself.
I have learned to truly enjoy. I have learned to share my thoughts and feelings freely. I have learned to think on the spot and answer logically, tactfully. Now a days I make a fool of myself less number of times. Ha ha ha
Yes.. things have changed. For the better.
I have somethings in line ahead. But will talk about that later. Till then...
I don’t know if they are right or wrong. I don’t know if they are good or bad. What ever they are, kay says, they are well planned. They plan for years to come. For people, for the factory.. for everything.
Well, as for now, I am not able to make logic out of some cases. Some are crystal clear though.
Anyways, so much for office and so much for work. I am realizing lately that I am walking and talking and eating and sleeping just office and work and office and work and nothing else.
Things are good at home. They say, in marriage, troubles lie till you cross the seventh year. There are many ups and downs in the phase of first seven years. Then, life is set.
I feel the same way. Yes, I am married for 2 ½ years only. But I and S are together for around 7 years now. And I do feel ‘Set’. Somehow a different feeling has started sinking in. my love for S has changed...... in a better way. It has become so strong and so live and so deep rooted that now nothing and no one will be able to harm it in any way.
There have been times where I had just felt of walking away from this life I was leading and being alone.... but now, no more. And I don’t think I would feel that way ever again.
Things have changed... yes... in my personal and professional life as well...
I have learned to say no. I have learned to ask questions. I have learned to raise my concerns. I have learned to fight... for myself.
I have learned to truly enjoy. I have learned to share my thoughts and feelings freely. I have learned to think on the spot and answer logically, tactfully. Now a days I make a fool of myself less number of times. Ha ha ha
Yes.. things have changed. For the better.
I have somethings in line ahead. But will talk about that later. Till then...
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Pravs World..........Try till you win..
Every time we fall in life, we give up.
We give up our dreams, give up ourselves.
Waves are inspiring, not because they rise and fall;
But because each time they fall, they never fail to rise again.
To win, you need to try. Try till you win.
We give up our dreams, give up ourselves.
Waves are inspiring, not because they rise and fall;
But because each time they fall, they never fail to rise again.
To win, you need to try. Try till you win.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Returning after a long break....
A lot of things progressed. I made the statement in by earlier post that there is no use talking to my boss about the issues I was facing. But I decided to take the chance anyways. He said he was genuinely concerned that this was not discussed with me b4 and that I should not worry and I will be given a lot of support thru out. WOW! Man, I was relieved only to realize that I am now completely submerged under the sea of work. Earlier to getting this new responsibility I was just able to keep my nose out and breathe. I was okay with it anyways because it was keeping me so busy the entire day. But now, its horrible. I plan it to make it terrific. So expecting the outcome to be horribly terrific……
Okay.. I am not drunk. And I know I am not making any sense to anyone in any way. But it does not matter. I achieved what I wanted. I made the message understood and sink in my head. Its time I learn to swim……
I had been to training for the last week. Against my wishes, I enjoyed the training. A lot.. I enjoyed the stay in the city which I have hated for my entire life. I enjoyed the company of the 8 unknown people who came from a varied experience. I enjoyed the company of a retired colonel who has fought almost all the major wars for this country. WOW! It was one experience.
A beautiful, mesmerizing, knowledge parting experience which I will not forget for a long time.
And from tomorrow I start office again. It is weird going back after such a long time. It feels like you have missed out on a lot of things and now you have to cope up with so much. There have been a lot of things happening in the office in the past week. And now I am brand new to the changes. First day is going to be a hell of an activity sorting things out.
Lets see how it turns out…
Okay.. I am not drunk. And I know I am not making any sense to anyone in any way. But it does not matter. I achieved what I wanted. I made the message understood and sink in my head. Its time I learn to swim……
I had been to training for the last week. Against my wishes, I enjoyed the training. A lot.. I enjoyed the stay in the city which I have hated for my entire life. I enjoyed the company of the 8 unknown people who came from a varied experience. I enjoyed the company of a retired colonel who has fought almost all the major wars for this country. WOW! It was one experience.
A beautiful, mesmerizing, knowledge parting experience which I will not forget for a long time.
And from tomorrow I start office again. It is weird going back after such a long time. It feels like you have missed out on a lot of things and now you have to cope up with so much. There have been a lot of things happening in the office in the past week. And now I am brand new to the changes. First day is going to be a hell of an activity sorting things out.
Lets see how it turns out…
Saturday, June 14, 2008
In good times..... and in bad times.....
Things have been moving so fast. things have been hectic leaving hardly any time for me to stop and think. life is so full without any time for myself.
Lots happening. some favourable and some un-favourable too.
I was partly incharge of one audit which was to happen in our company. Preparations were made well. and the audit sailed off beautifully with the prodigious skill of one of my collegues (who was actually incharge of the audit this time). the same night, we (me kay and SS) went to the factory in the 3rd shift to check if all the facilities of house keeping and security were okay. I was amazed that day of my ability to stay awake till 4 in the morning!!
the visit went good, though i thought, that the people were expecting us. there was not even a single element of surprise on their face when they saw two females enter the production floor at 3.00 a.m. Well, atleast i was surprised by this attitude. I mean, its hardly seen in any factory where females are present on the shop floor in the wee hours of the morning! and needless to say, we did not find any obvious violations of the rules.
i sent out the report on tuesday. BB was very impressed by this initiative and he decided to show his appreciation (now we are proud owners of a 2 GB memory stick!) to the three of us.. me, kay and ES.
well, news travels fast.. specially these kinds of news where people who have 'recently' joined the organization are appreciated for such 'small' things.. people were pissed off. or i'd rather say, people ARE pissed off. and they do not mind showing it off either!
'now you know, there are a few 'special' 'favoured' people in the organization!'
'i never even got a single mail of appreciation inspite of all the things i have done here in the past 12 years!!'
'can you tell me (this question was posed directly to me and kay across the breakfast table) why were you given a gift?'
'i will ask him (BB) and tell you...' this was my reply. stupid as it may be, but i was shell shocked seeing these reactions and cudnt think of anything else!
'ab kya, hum log buddhe ho gaye.. humko appreciation ki jarurat nahi hai.. kitana bhi kaam karo! (now we are oldies.. we do not need any kind of appreciation even for the amount of work we put in)'
this came from the person who i least expected it from. she was a person who,i thought, looked over me as a daughter. she compared me with her kid and said we were so alike... but well, circumstances change.. people change.. dont they?
i didnt care what people talked. it was an important milestone for me. but destiny gave people chances to become more hostile towards me.
i was declared as the leader for one team (which was being actually headed by RI. but since he is leaving, i will fill in the post). this was not taken that good by the team members.
'aus ko kuch malum hai kya? abhi to aayi hai yahan pe... aise kaise declare kar diya? (does she know anything? she just joined here.. how come they declare her as the leader?)'
i was getting weary of the comments. i needed someone to talk to.. desperately.. and no one was available. i was sitting in the training and thinking.. hard.. what to do.. how am i supposed to tackle this? how am i supposed to tackle the people. discussing with my boss was going to be useless. i have 100% faith that he will not be able to help me out.
anger was welling up inside me... ready to burst out. it still is because i have not yet figured out a way.
in the middle of the week, i also got my confirmation letter. but the happiness of it died off in all the turmoil my mind was facing. in all the hostility i was facing.
after i got my letter.. everyone asked for the party.. everyone asked for the party of passing the audit which I was partly handling. i told my boss, loudly in front of everyone.. to which he replied.. 'ya, ya there is this one on 27th..' and he stopped... abruptly.. '27th..' barely audible...
first of all, i thought this was our pillar party... and that he might have messed up with the dates.
yesterday, while coming back, kay told me... there is the factory picnic on 27th and 28th...
then it hit me like a bullet.
i am in a course in mumbai from 22nd to 27th evening and i will not be able to go...
and my boss knew about this.. he knew about this both. he spelled it out... almost... but he realised that he should not let me know (as if i was not going to come to know) and he stopped....
i dont expect they change the date of the picnic for me. and i dont care that i miss one picnic.. its really not that big a deal.. but i definitely expected my boss to be straight forward. he kept this from me....
now i realise why everyone says he is not a 'peoples man'...
it hurt me... for having a boss who doesnt want things to keep transparent enough. inspite of the fact that i am straight forward with him. it hurt me for having one un-considerate boss who actually goes on to deny me one secure id (which will actually help me work from home) because it will 'cost' to our cost center. and because if he gives it to me, he will have to give it to the others too...
it hurt to have one boss who didnt even peek into the pillar preparations for one important audit because he had to take care of the pillar he was heading.
it hurt to have a boss who denied my request to call 4 extra people who helped in the pillar audits to be called for the party... just because it wud cost...
i dont say that he is cruel or something.. he is definitely considerate and gives me my freedom to work the way i want.. but at such times, the 'not so good' things just come into focus...
it hurt and hurt and hurt....
i wish to spend my weekend lazing around.. but i have to study.. to prepare for the course i am supposed to attend a week later....
Lots happening. some favourable and some un-favourable too.
I was partly incharge of one audit which was to happen in our company. Preparations were made well. and the audit sailed off beautifully with the prodigious skill of one of my collegues (who was actually incharge of the audit this time). the same night, we (me kay and SS) went to the factory in the 3rd shift to check if all the facilities of house keeping and security were okay. I was amazed that day of my ability to stay awake till 4 in the morning!!
the visit went good, though i thought, that the people were expecting us. there was not even a single element of surprise on their face when they saw two females enter the production floor at 3.00 a.m. Well, atleast i was surprised by this attitude. I mean, its hardly seen in any factory where females are present on the shop floor in the wee hours of the morning! and needless to say, we did not find any obvious violations of the rules.
i sent out the report on tuesday. BB was very impressed by this initiative and he decided to show his appreciation (now we are proud owners of a 2 GB memory stick!) to the three of us.. me, kay and ES.
well, news travels fast.. specially these kinds of news where people who have 'recently' joined the organization are appreciated for such 'small' things.. people were pissed off. or i'd rather say, people ARE pissed off. and they do not mind showing it off either!
'now you know, there are a few 'special' 'favoured' people in the organization!'
'i never even got a single mail of appreciation inspite of all the things i have done here in the past 12 years!!'
'can you tell me (this question was posed directly to me and kay across the breakfast table) why were you given a gift?'
'i will ask him (BB) and tell you...' this was my reply. stupid as it may be, but i was shell shocked seeing these reactions and cudnt think of anything else!
'ab kya, hum log buddhe ho gaye.. humko appreciation ki jarurat nahi hai.. kitana bhi kaam karo! (now we are oldies.. we do not need any kind of appreciation even for the amount of work we put in)'
this came from the person who i least expected it from. she was a person who,i thought, looked over me as a daughter. she compared me with her kid and said we were so alike... but well, circumstances change.. people change.. dont they?
i didnt care what people talked. it was an important milestone for me. but destiny gave people chances to become more hostile towards me.
i was declared as the leader for one team (which was being actually headed by RI. but since he is leaving, i will fill in the post). this was not taken that good by the team members.
'aus ko kuch malum hai kya? abhi to aayi hai yahan pe... aise kaise declare kar diya? (does she know anything? she just joined here.. how come they declare her as the leader?)'
i was getting weary of the comments. i needed someone to talk to.. desperately.. and no one was available. i was sitting in the training and thinking.. hard.. what to do.. how am i supposed to tackle this? how am i supposed to tackle the people. discussing with my boss was going to be useless. i have 100% faith that he will not be able to help me out.
anger was welling up inside me... ready to burst out. it still is because i have not yet figured out a way.
in the middle of the week, i also got my confirmation letter. but the happiness of it died off in all the turmoil my mind was facing. in all the hostility i was facing.
after i got my letter.. everyone asked for the party.. everyone asked for the party of passing the audit which I was partly handling. i told my boss, loudly in front of everyone.. to which he replied.. 'ya, ya there is this one on 27th..' and he stopped... abruptly.. '27th..' barely audible...
first of all, i thought this was our pillar party... and that he might have messed up with the dates.
yesterday, while coming back, kay told me... there is the factory picnic on 27th and 28th...
then it hit me like a bullet.
i am in a course in mumbai from 22nd to 27th evening and i will not be able to go...
and my boss knew about this.. he knew about this both. he spelled it out... almost... but he realised that he should not let me know (as if i was not going to come to know) and he stopped....
i dont expect they change the date of the picnic for me. and i dont care that i miss one picnic.. its really not that big a deal.. but i definitely expected my boss to be straight forward. he kept this from me....
now i realise why everyone says he is not a 'peoples man'...
it hurt me... for having a boss who doesnt want things to keep transparent enough. inspite of the fact that i am straight forward with him. it hurt me for having one un-considerate boss who actually goes on to deny me one secure id (which will actually help me work from home) because it will 'cost' to our cost center. and because if he gives it to me, he will have to give it to the others too...
it hurt to have one boss who didnt even peek into the pillar preparations for one important audit because he had to take care of the pillar he was heading.
it hurt to have a boss who denied my request to call 4 extra people who helped in the pillar audits to be called for the party... just because it wud cost...
i dont say that he is cruel or something.. he is definitely considerate and gives me my freedom to work the way i want.. but at such times, the 'not so good' things just come into focus...
it hurt and hurt and hurt....
i wish to spend my weekend lazing around.. but i have to study.. to prepare for the course i am supposed to attend a week later....
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