A trip to the rural India

the festival of lights - Diwali.
4 days official holidays, and one day personal leave.. i had 5 days to spend in our home, relax, rest..
I hardly did any of those.
the first two days we had gone to visit my grandmum. it was a nice change, for us, for them. weather was good. road was excellent..
the second day was the most memorable one. both for me and for the husband. we went out for a stroll. the husband has never stayed in the rural areas. he was amazed seeing the life, the houses, the roads, the cows and buffaloes.
Since it was diwali, we have a custom of making forts out of mud and sand. the forts are usually of King Shivai Maharaj (in our state atleast). i really do not know, why the custom. but it is there nevertheless and followed all over the state.
so these kids we enjoying making the fort. some had already finished, some were giving the final touches.
the husband ofcourse had his camera with him, and he wanted to click some shots. so he asked a litte boy, of not more than age 10 i guess, who was perched beside his fort, if he could click a photograph. the boy was more than happy to oblige. one photograph and there were atleast a dozen children who queued up for getting their pictures clicked.
there was a hurry of completing the final touches to their forts, a hurry of the mothers who took their kids inside the house to comb their hair, and straighten their clothes and applying face powder and sending them out again to get the photograph clicked.
and then, the husband with his famous 'patience' and the immense will to experiment, went on to click some pictures.. some of them posted below (these are the few i liked!) edited version may follow soon..

The rush to complete the final touches


All the kids with the fort


Another custom.. i do not know what it is, but it looks beautiful, doesnt it?


the girl in the red frock.. she was the most expressive and most photogenic i say..by the way, i clicked this one! :D


Another interesting fort..



The most fascinating part was that the kids were so happy there was someone there who wanted to take their pictures. they were all so expressive and happy. and so innocent.
the life in the rural area is worth being jealous of. they have so little, yet they are so happy. they do not have expectations which hurt them back. the entire village lives together like a big family. they love visitors. they are truly amazed to see the latest gadgets people carry who come from 'metros'. a simple thing that the photograph can be seen immediately on the digital camera was so surprising to all of them.. the kids, the parents, the grandparents..
it was so wonderful to be there.. some moments when i really forgot my worries and sorrows.
so we so plan to make another trip soon enough..
rest of the diwali was spend in the 'metro' where i live. going to placed of all the relatives and eating and eating and eating.. (urghhhh)
now.. the time to exercise.! :P

Pravs World - Living in you..

sometimes i feel the 'Pravs world' posts for me..!
a thought from the Pravs world...



If it is unreadable from the picutre -

Some things in life never change,
Sometimes in life you don't find reasons,
Some moments in life aren't forgotten,
Sometimes you loose hope...
When time rolls by you to forget
What holds you on...

Some people in life are a part of you,
And when you let them go,
You never lose them.
Because... you find them living in you.

Money check!

things change, circumstances change. the house has brought much happiness in our lives. The experience of shopping for the house, buying new things, setting up the house and trying your best to convert it in to a home is simply great. and when it is your first house, the experience becomes wonderful.
with buying a house, there are ofcourse some other things for us middle class people.. a loan, and an monthly installment to pay to the bank. we are just getting used to the idea to see a huge debit in the bank statements. Earlier, all it was a car loan. so the salary was all ours to spend as we wished. now, we have to think before we even spend a thousand bucks! Gosh!
but this experience is teaching. My aunt used to say, always, you have to have a loan on your head. If you have a loan, you will automatically work hard. yes, now i agree. i know i have to perform my best (not that i didnt perform my best earlier, but now it will be a conscience effort!) because i want a good salary rise and a good bonus at the end of year. why? because i want to repay my loan as soon as possible. its simple!
new house has given us a greater sense of responsibility and freedom. many of our friends / acquaintences / colleagues have visited us already. everyone of them loved this place. the terrace itself gives such a beautiful view! Yesterday Big B visited me. He was here to drop me off on his way back from the office. he liked the place too.
and then ofcourse, next month i am going abroad! :D
earlier i was not so enthu. but now i am looking forward to it. my stay has already been extended by 4 days. there are chances, it will still be extended by 2 more. and then, i might go to our other factory in the south-east asia sometime in the next six months. i am being given a lot of opportunity. i guess, i might be escalated in the heirarchy within the next couple of years.
after i re-joined office, i was happy that i was welcomed back. and then you become happy again to see that people are relieved when you are back. people actually say that now you are back, everything will start to be fine in your department. well, yes, that actually happened. people missed me. i am glad i could make that place in the minds of people within a year and half.
i love my job, i love my simple life, i love my lovely house. everything has indeed been good for me in the past couple of months except ofcourse for the fact that i lost my child. the grief, still overshadows the good things that are happening.
Strangely enough, i can talk with other people about my kid with exceptionally strange ease. i dont get emotional. but when i am alone, the thought never leaves my mind, and the tears never leave my eyes. it is probably because the pain, both physical and mental, and the grief is one memory i have of my son. and the memory is just mine. i dont want to share it with no one. no one at all..
anyways, like i said, i will be posting some pictures of the house. here they are, of my favourite place in the world (the view from our terrace) and our living room. i have not yet taken photographs of the bedrooms because they are not yet set up completely. so those photos will come later..
till then, have a look at these!

The living room..


The entrance of the house.. i love this frame of Lord Ganesh..


The view from the terrace..


The sunset, seen from the terrace..

everything will be fine for you soon....

my friend delivered a baby girl in september.. it was close to my heart because i was supposed to on 10th september and her due date was 11th sept. it was just a day apart...
'everything will be fine for you soon...' she said when i told her about me.
yes.. everything will be fine..
i have started my job, the husband has started his job, we are settled in our new house. the FIL is not talking to the husband (does anyone see me complaining?). the in-laws (none of them) have to come to see our new place inspite of inviting them over and over again. well, yes, everything is normal, for everyone.
the loss was after all ours. and we have learned to live with it because we cant do anything else. its the deepest feeling of helplessness. and it is very annoying.
as for me, i cant wait to become a mother.. people have suggested we should take a break for a year. i agree too. but its just that i cant wait to be a mother. i cant wait for some one to call me 'mum'
home front, its really busy.. i hardly get time for anything. but on priority i need to start to exercise. i need to lose weight. the aftereffects of an unsuccessful pregnancy have started showing. My asthema which had disappeared about 5 years ago has come back with a bang. i spend sleepless nights just because i cant breathe!
my feet are swollen. my body still aches. i still get tired very easily.
healing is indeed a very slow process, but i need to speed that up. and for that, i now need to exercise.
office is good. i havent been yet 'officially' given the major responsibilities. though it wont be long now. i will be travelling abroad in late november. my first out of country tour. its exciting. but there is also a lot of anxiety, because it is going to be very cold there. and with my asthema, i hope i will be able to survive!
the husband is doing good. he gets late everyday. yes. it is irritating. even now, i am waiting for him to come home and talk to him, which we get to do rarely now a days.
isnt my life the most sadistic!
well. i do plan to bring about some changes.. very fast.
the new house is a major catalyst for that.
meanwhile we had gone to a place called Kaas... some photos from there.. its all the hubands work... i just went with him and kept a lot of patience when he was away clicking photographs...

An object of sympathy..

a lot of people knew that i was on maternity leave. and now when i meet them, they give a big smile, congratulate me and ask if its a girl or a boy.
'i had a still born delivery', i say.
'Oh', the first reply
'i am sorry to hear that!', the second one...
some how it is not very difficult to tell this to acquaintences. i dont break down. i look into their eyes when i tell what happened. my eyes do not fill with tears.
but all the more, as the days pass, i miss my baby more and more. the sorrow deepens and i realise that no matter how many children i have in my later life, my first son (i wanted to name him Aditya) will always hold a very special place in my heart. He will always be in my memory. i might name my next son, Aditya, after my first.

'but its all upto u em, uve been given the right to lead ur life...lead it as u wish
and try to stop blaming others. sorry if that sounds harsh', says my friend, whom i have not met till date but have talked to 'n' number of times about all the things... his chat window is the venting place for me.. he says..
i dont really remember when i have blamed anything on other people. good or bad, i have always owned my actions. i have done what i want. because, then the life i make, i know, is because of me and no one else. so i am happy.
i did make some wrong decisions. and i will not repeat them. but i am happy about everything that happened with me. all the people i met, all the decisions i took, i am happy.

Sunday was good. in the evening, i accompanied the husband to the place where his parents are building a house. i did expect something nice and classy. but what i saw was a shock! well, one mistake i make again and again.. i expect!
i do have to stop doing that. anyways,
so, this place is in a rural area and its an open plot which is meant for a farmhouse. When i imagine a farmhouse, i always imagine a cosy little space, warm, probably where we would make a lot of use of wood, a nice fireplace, thick curtains and a carpet.. a wooden floor...
but what has been built is of concrete, and with huge rooms and... well...
i can understand, think big! but u should know where and how to make use of thinking big! its a complete waste of money as far as me and the husband are concerned. we would never go and stay in that place. probably just a weekend or two. and may be it would be just the husband who goes there..
but ofcourse the in-laws might like it.. you know,they think, the bigger some thing is, the more grand it is. none of my concern though. its their land and their money. i dont care any more. i did. for the husband. i still sometimes think i should. but as they say, do not repeat your mistakes. i will not repeat this mistake.
anyways, i got a lot of work to do. got to go...

I miss him...

We visited the factory on a weekend (shop floor was working) and paid a surprised visit to check if people are aware and are following the rules. i was not really keen on coming, but K insisted and i could not say no. nothing was really out of the place so, suddenly i started feeling that the visit was all the more a waste!
after my delivery, i didnt speak to anyone except my parents and the husband for over a fortnight. then i realised that the more i postpone speaking to other people, the more difficult it would be. people avoid mentioning this subject to me, but i feel, are sometimes also keen to know about what happened, from my mouth, in my words. people are judging me, testing me to see how i react to various situation and subjects. they will be satisfied if they see me sad and gloomy and crying other than the smiling, happy me.. i think..
while coming to the factory we went to Sops house. She is my colleague who delivered a baby girl 6 months ago.. She left for her maternity leave, and i was just in my first trimester. K was with us. She was observing me, carefully when i was holding Sops baby to see my reactions.
what should i do? just breakdown in front of everyone? cry aloud? so people will understand the pain and sorrow we are going through!
everytime i will see all the kids of the girls i know who have delivered during this period, i will always think that if everything would have gone right, my son would be the same age that these kids are, and everytime i will lapse into the future of my dead son.
if only he was alive... if only!
i miss the kicks and prods of him in my womb. i miss talking to him day and night and telling him what all happened. i miss being not able to sleep till 11 p.m. at night because my son used to be awake till that time, inside me. i miss being woken up at 7.00 a.m. sharp because my son used to wake up at that time...
i miss being pregnant. i miss the wait of the nine months to hold my baby. i miss my son, whom i didnt hold, even once.......

If only...

Everything is just the same at work. its like a typical hindi or marathi soap... it goes on for years and years. even if you stop watching it for a couple of months, and then try to watch it again, it is very easy to pick up the happenings, cauz nothing really would have changed. same is with the office. nothings changed...
i have come a long way. the past nine months were equivalent to a lifetime for me... today is 8th sept... if everything would have been okay, i would be 2 days away from my due date. 10th september......... well, so was not to be..
the more time i spend alone, the thoughts have started coming back with a bang...
the questions... why us?
the guilt... all the times i was angry, i was irritated and the times when i troubled myself mentally during my pregnancy
the helplessness... i could do nothing to prevent it from happening
the anger... towards all those people who should have, but didnt care
the anger... towards myself of not having taken the strong decisions at the right time...
the future... would this happen again?
all that think of is, if only...............!! if only...
i am trying to be busy. trying to think of something else. trying to think of a bright future. trying to think of work. but the sorrow still remains, as severe and as deep as it was on the day i learnt of my sons death.

we shifted out of my mom's house. the move was very difficult. i was to shift out with my husband and my child.. we moved out, but just the two of us... temporarily we are staying in the inlaws house. a decision which i was not really for. we will move out by 20th. most of the things have been shifted. we just need to buy a few things and get the fittings done in our home....
our home... at last... a place which i can call my own.. a place where no one will come and tell me or my husband, 'this is our house. you dont have any right here'
a place to which i can finally connect with...
the impatience is mounting. i cant wait to move in.. in OUR home.

Atleast one dream turns into reality...

we bought a house.... pictures will follow soon...

Empty Days...

These days were supposed to be full of fun and the exciting wait. though, it all ended in a matter of moments...
all i am doing now is to wait. wait for 15 more days when i have my checkup and then i am allowed to go out.
wait to find a house which fits our liking and our budget. wait to finalize the deal. wait to move into our own house.
wait to rejoin the company. wait, wait, wait.....
i wont be going back to that house where i used to live, probably ever. and i prefer it that way. i prefer to be on my own now. and that way it will be.
all the tension, worries, emotional turmoil i went through for the last 9 months seems so worthless now.... ofcourse, i have had to pay a very price for all that... a very heavy price...
the house is definitely on the cards now. i am not very proud of reaching this milestone. it will always remind me of what it has cost us to achieve it. and of the fact that it was a bit late... a bit too late...

The Demise...

those were the words in the USG report that struck like a knife plunged straight into the heart.
my baby hadnt moved for about 12 hours. i was not alarmed really. i just thought the movements were clashing with my sleeping pattern and i was waiting for the baby to move. i was at my mom's when i mentioned this to her. she panicked. 'call the gynac now!'
really! there was no reason to panic! me and the husband exchanged exasperated looks. still, i called the hospital and we went over. the doctor was not in, so we waited. having had a good lunch, i was feeling asleep. the doctor came in. i went in for a check up. he tried to listen to the heart beats by some doppler machine. he tried and tried but was unsuccessful. having seen my case file, he said, it is difficult to listen to the heart beats if the baby is in the prostrate position. well, ok, i said. afterall, all my reports to date were entirely normal. i had my routine check up just 6 days back. so what would go wrong suddenly? we came back. though a small nagging had begun in my head, i still convinced myself that everything was normal. we went for a re-checkup the next day where again there was an unsuccessful attempt of listening to the baby's heartbeat. i was still not alarmed. the doctor asked us to do a USG that evening to get a clear picture.
we went back to the clinic to do the USG. the doctor there didnt tell us anything. he just said, i will give the report in 5 mins. we took the report, went to the hospital. while waiting to see the doctor, we read the report. it announced that there was no cardiac activity, the fetus appeared crumpled and an inter uterine demise was suggested.
the husband snapped shut the report. i couldn't breathe. for the first time in my life i knew what an emotional shock felt like. no tears came till i actually understood what the report said. 5 mins we were waiting in a room full of happy couples, all would be parents, with a 8 month old fetus in my stomach who was now pronounced dead. it felt like an eternity till the time the doctor called us in. i was admitted in the hospital the same evening. next day we had a repeat USG to confirm the report. there was no miracle waiting to happen. the report was confirmed.
Tuesday, 28th july 2009, i was given a pill to induce labor. it started well within 4 hours. i always wanted a normal delivery. and here i was, in labor, progressing towards a normal delivery. the pains became unbearable by 8 p.m. the doctor said delivery would happen by the next morning. i still had atleast 10 hours before i would eventually deliver, that too if the tablet kept its effect and the labor continued. otherwise they would administer another tablet the next day.
at 11 p.m. the dilation was still 10% only. i wouldnt mind the pain, but the pain combined with a heart full of sorrow, was a little too much to handle. it might sound dramatic, but at one point i really thought, death would be better....
'cant we do a Cesarean and get over with it?' i told my mum to ask the doctor.
'no', he said, 'we will wait till morning and decide at 6.00 a.m.'
'alright, you have to go through this' i told my self. every 5 mins felt like an hour. at 2.00 a.m., it was impossible for me to even lie down. i tried sitting, standing, walking, nothing helped. my legs were paining. my mom stayed up with me from 2.00 a.m. to 4.00 a.m. massaging my legs, my back and trying to get me through it. the contraction that came at 4.00 a.m. lasted and lasted and lasted. mom called the nurse. i was taken to the delivery room. the doctor announced that i was 80% dilated and would deliver in half an hour. the physical pain ended at 4.50 a.m. on the morning of 29th of July 2009. i delivered a boy. he didnt even breath once.
i felt strangely calm after the delivery. i talked with the doctor. i asked him, 'would this repeat if i decide to take another chance?' 'no' he said, 'there was a very little chance that it would'.
i was brought to my room. the husband was there waiting for me. he looked at me, he smiled, and i smiled back.
the baby was to be taken, away, to a cemetery. i could hear a lot of commotion outside. i was lying in my bed thinking if i should see the baby. i thought everyone will shout me down if i ask to see the baby. so i just decided not to without even demanding to be allowed. and i have regretted my decision ever since. and i will regret the decision for my entire life. the husband took the baby. they buried him. when he came back he looked as if he had suffered a hundred battles. i cant imagine what he must have felt carrying his dead son in his arms and laying him on the ground to be buried. the husband has promised me that he will take me to the place. he informed all the close people. requested them not to come and meet me.
my brother in law and my sister in law were there the whole time with us. whatever differences there might be, i will never forget in my entire life that they were there for us during our difficult time.
weak as i was, i was still discharged the next day. i preferred it that way. i preferred to be at home.
the shock and sorrow were over. then came the pain. it is still difficult to go through the month. all the dates will come and go by.
3rd august - beginning of my ninth month when i was supposed to shift to my mom's.
15-16th august - the two days me and the husband were planning to spend together, just us.... probably the rare time we would get for ourselves before the baby was born, we thought...
22nd august - the day i wanted my baby to be born. whole, healthy and alive.
10th September - my due date.
mid November - the baby's naming ceremony.
the bubble of my dreams, of my happiness burst and left me with nothing. i didnt even hold my baby.
my perfect little family........... i dont know what to say..... it is still a dream....