The Demise...

those were the words in the USG report that struck like a knife plunged straight into the heart.
my baby hadnt moved for about 12 hours. i was not alarmed really. i just thought the movements were clashing with my sleeping pattern and i was waiting for the baby to move. i was at my mom's when i mentioned this to her. she panicked. 'call the gynac now!'
really! there was no reason to panic! me and the husband exchanged exasperated looks. still, i called the hospital and we went over. the doctor was not in, so we waited. having had a good lunch, i was feeling asleep. the doctor came in. i went in for a check up. he tried to listen to the heart beats by some doppler machine. he tried and tried but was unsuccessful. having seen my case file, he said, it is difficult to listen to the heart beats if the baby is in the prostrate position. well, ok, i said. afterall, all my reports to date were entirely normal. i had my routine check up just 6 days back. so what would go wrong suddenly? we came back. though a small nagging had begun in my head, i still convinced myself that everything was normal. we went for a re-checkup the next day where again there was an unsuccessful attempt of listening to the baby's heartbeat. i was still not alarmed. the doctor asked us to do a USG that evening to get a clear picture.
we went back to the clinic to do the USG. the doctor there didnt tell us anything. he just said, i will give the report in 5 mins. we took the report, went to the hospital. while waiting to see the doctor, we read the report. it announced that there was no cardiac activity, the fetus appeared crumpled and an inter uterine demise was suggested.
the husband snapped shut the report. i couldn't breathe. for the first time in my life i knew what an emotional shock felt like. no tears came till i actually understood what the report said. 5 mins we were waiting in a room full of happy couples, all would be parents, with a 8 month old fetus in my stomach who was now pronounced dead. it felt like an eternity till the time the doctor called us in. i was admitted in the hospital the same evening. next day we had a repeat USG to confirm the report. there was no miracle waiting to happen. the report was confirmed.
Tuesday, 28th july 2009, i was given a pill to induce labor. it started well within 4 hours. i always wanted a normal delivery. and here i was, in labor, progressing towards a normal delivery. the pains became unbearable by 8 p.m. the doctor said delivery would happen by the next morning. i still had atleast 10 hours before i would eventually deliver, that too if the tablet kept its effect and the labor continued. otherwise they would administer another tablet the next day.
at 11 p.m. the dilation was still 10% only. i wouldnt mind the pain, but the pain combined with a heart full of sorrow, was a little too much to handle. it might sound dramatic, but at one point i really thought, death would be better....
'cant we do a Cesarean and get over with it?' i told my mum to ask the doctor.
'no', he said, 'we will wait till morning and decide at 6.00 a.m.'
'alright, you have to go through this' i told my self. every 5 mins felt like an hour. at 2.00 a.m., it was impossible for me to even lie down. i tried sitting, standing, walking, nothing helped. my legs were paining. my mom stayed up with me from 2.00 a.m. to 4.00 a.m. massaging my legs, my back and trying to get me through it. the contraction that came at 4.00 a.m. lasted and lasted and lasted. mom called the nurse. i was taken to the delivery room. the doctor announced that i was 80% dilated and would deliver in half an hour. the physical pain ended at 4.50 a.m. on the morning of 29th of July 2009. i delivered a boy. he didnt even breath once.
i felt strangely calm after the delivery. i talked with the doctor. i asked him, 'would this repeat if i decide to take another chance?' 'no' he said, 'there was a very little chance that it would'.
i was brought to my room. the husband was there waiting for me. he looked at me, he smiled, and i smiled back.
the baby was to be taken, away, to a cemetery. i could hear a lot of commotion outside. i was lying in my bed thinking if i should see the baby. i thought everyone will shout me down if i ask to see the baby. so i just decided not to without even demanding to be allowed. and i have regretted my decision ever since. and i will regret the decision for my entire life. the husband took the baby. they buried him. when he came back he looked as if he had suffered a hundred battles. i cant imagine what he must have felt carrying his dead son in his arms and laying him on the ground to be buried. the husband has promised me that he will take me to the place. he informed all the close people. requested them not to come and meet me.
my brother in law and my sister in law were there the whole time with us. whatever differences there might be, i will never forget in my entire life that they were there for us during our difficult time.
weak as i was, i was still discharged the next day. i preferred it that way. i preferred to be at home.
the shock and sorrow were over. then came the pain. it is still difficult to go through the month. all the dates will come and go by.
3rd august - beginning of my ninth month when i was supposed to shift to my mom's.
15-16th august - the two days me and the husband were planning to spend together, just us.... probably the rare time we would get for ourselves before the baby was born, we thought...
22nd august - the day i wanted my baby to be born. whole, healthy and alive.
10th September - my due date.
mid November - the baby's naming ceremony.
the bubble of my dreams, of my happiness burst and left me with nothing. i didnt even hold my baby.
my perfect little family........... i dont know what to say..... it is still a dream....

The show.....

Finally, i got my wish to see the Rahmania show again before my delivery. i dont know when the next show is going to be again, and i am sure i will not be able to attend that if it does happen anytime within the next 5-6 months. Rahmania and Harry Potter movie are the two things i want to watch before i go into labor (yeah.. as if the folks and the husband are going to allow me to go out in such crowded places once i enter the final month!!) cauz i know i will sourly miss these two things if they are happening at any place and i am not able to go.
well, the show was good. though i felt it did lack some luster because of the absence of a particular Mr. Jasraj Joshi who plays a good part to make the stage more lively, though the entire troupe did a very good job. it was worth the money we spent (which we actually wouldnt have, if i would not have been in the delicate condition. we would have waited for the next show! :)) and the distance we had travelled. for the first time in my life i went the Chinchwad to watch a show.
so now that leaves the 6th HP movie to be watched which we are planning to see next sunday, and that would complete my 'entertainment' wishlist b4 the baby is born.
the preparation for the arrival is not yet started. it will be sometime after a month that we will be starting the preparations. getting the clothes and the crib and stuff. for now i can just say that i am getting bigger and bigger each day. though i yet do not have had the necessity of buying large clothes for myself. well, that should tell you how plump (i deliberately avoid using the word fat! ;P) i was before the pregnancy. a lot of care and other things prevented the weight gain that happens in the early pregnancy. and that has lead me to gain only a couple of kilos till date. well ofcourse my and the baby's vital signs are all okay. so there was no compromise on the health!
i have now come back to my in-laws house for about 10 days. then i and the husband will be off to my parents house for 4 months! relief. and after that i have certain plans which i will write about once implemented.
anyways, so now, i am waiting for the HP movie. lets see how that turns out!

Progressing towards the finale

Well, i am excited. more anxious to get over with another month and a half. that will be end of august and i mostly would have already delivered (or be on the verge of delivering) my baby.
i am excited, nervous, tensed. but yes, i guess i am very much prepared. since i am not working, i have plenty of time to sit and think how i am going to bring up my kid, how am i going to manage my job and manage to be there for my baby when ever she/he needs me? how am i going to have my perfect little family with nothing but love in it? thinking is very different than doing. but then, i have got enough time to think it thru..!
we were on the verge of booking a flat in a construction scheme. however, we cancelled the booking at the last moment. we could manage with a loan. our salaries were sufficient to get the loan sanctioned. but we were not comfortable with the amount that was being left in our hand after the expenses and EMI that was going to get cut off. and with the baby coming, we really have no idea how much our living expenses would go up. plus there was the problem of paying the upfront money. we could manage if we wanted to, but we would have drawn out on our every bank account and deposits and gold reserves (not that i have a huge amount of gold, but we have managed to gather some since our marriage, as emergency funds, which now lies safely in the bank locker!) but again, with the upcoming delivery and not knowing what complications might come up during that, we needed to have spare cash at hand. so we decided best to wait. anyways, in a month and halfs time we would be moving in with my parents. and i would stay there till november / december atleast. till then we can decide on the options of buying / renting a house. i am not very keen on returning here if the in-laws are planning to stay in this house. but well, that remains to be decided in due course.
days and nights have started becoming tiresome now. much to my gynacologists delight, i have now started gaining weight. a little by little ofcourse, but i have started gaining. i have started identifying my baby sleeping patterns. i know when the kids going to wake up and start kicking me. mostly it is late in the night or early morning. so in short, that makes my nights sleep almost useless. i make up for it during the day ofcourse. but at nights, i keep tossing and turning in the bed, eventually disturbing the husbands sleep as well. not that he complaints. sometimes i wonder which wonderful thing i have done in my life that i got a husband like him! dont want to get philosophical. but i would have been a wreck without him.
we have managed to get our finances in check as well. by the end of this week, we will be entirely loan free. our car will be in our name and there will be no EMI's getting deducted from the salary. so finally the 'net payable' in our salaries, will be the net amount we will get in hand. and then ofcourse, we will go on about buying our own place. i hope that day comes soon enough.
in the mean time i am trying to go through each and every day. waiting for the time to pass. waiting for the time when i hold my kid in my hands, for the first time. waiting for the time when i see the husband cuddle the baby close to him.
waiting to be a mother...

Life @ Home...

its been 2 months now that i am not going to work. first 3 weeks were a whirlwind because i was not well and the first week i was in a hospital in terrible pain. i just wished that i were dead. ofcourse, the pain was not so much, it is just that my tolerance to the pain is very low and the emotional outbursts in my head made it impossible for me to be in peace.
i gradually regained control of self which i dont know how i had lost. i couldnt have done so ofcourse if the husband had not been there with me, throughout.
i am back in my in-laws house now. will be going back to my mom's house in a month and halfs time. and will stay there for 2 months atleast. The husband will also be shifting with me. so this house will be locked.
yesterday had a gossip session with my MIL (things are better between us is what she thinks, but i alone know the whole truth!). well, she confessed that she will never be able to live with her elder son and daughter in law. they have been horrible to them. well then, how can we live with you? i said to myself.
i could have said that aloud, but i didnt want to interrupt my 'with much difficulty' achieved peace of mind. so i kept quite.. and well, they would be nice to us now seeing what was the result of their behavior with me, and considering the fact that they have no choice but to stay with us.
i had been to a fortune reader once. he was able to tell my past perfectly just be seeing my birth date and my thumb impression. so i believe, that atleast 50% of the things he has told me about my future would be true! he had said that things will not be going great between the parents in-law and the brother in-law. The husband did not believe this at all. ''Impossible'. this is all going to be crap' he had said.
But crap it was not intended to be. things started materializing in front of us, screaming the truth out. things were definitely not going well between the two of them. The husband was left with no choice but to believe!
well, getting to the point, he had also said that you will have to take care of your in-laws. do i believe it? do i act on it already? what do i do? a question that will be laid to rest in time, i suppose. and so be it..
yesterday i had a surprise person visit my house. it feels really great for some person to care so much for you, when infact they are actually not so related to you. the big bosses wife had come to give me 'Jeffery Archer' books to read! well i had just casually mentioned last week that i have exhausted my entire stock already (having read most of the books 3 times by now!). so they just lent me some of their stock. cool na? i just admired the fact that they remembered this casual remark and acted on it. just to make my life more enjoyable. and i mean, i am just another person in the factory he heads! it was really heart touching. i hope i am also able to be so sensitive to other peoples needs.

Gone again for a long time

Yes, i have been away, again for a long time. there is a genuine reason. no, it was not work. it was my health. i was in a hospital for over a week (for the first time in my life.. well, there is always first time innit?) nothing serious. some minor complications which ofcourse may have been worsened if not taken care for..
but all is fine now. i am at home, resting, reading books, watching TV, getting irritated...... well... thats the integral part of me!
currently i am working from home for about a week cauz we have an upcoming audit.. then will take a complete break from office!
nothing much from my side as of now. i will try to be more regular here now that i have plenty of free time!
till then!

The right to vote.

India is the biggest democracy! and it is said the biggest right is the right to vote. to chose the group of people who will be incharge of making rules for you, of imposing restrictions, of giving freedom. it is not a happy situation however for the mass of people who say that the democracy is not working the way it should. well unfortunately this mass of people who are ironically the educated class dont even go and cast their vote! well then how will the democracy function the way it should?
people living in rural areas go and vote in the hopes of having a government who will make right decisions for them. mind you, their hopes have not faltered over the years. they have faith. but the educated class just sits and cribs. once in 5 years you have a chance to cast a vote. once in 5 years your country is asking for your decision. and once in 5 years we dont have 15 mins to spare for ourself! its really sad.
I voted. and i felt happy that i am going to make a difference by one vote! However small it will be in a country with billions of people, it will still make a difference! when i was standing at the voting booth, i saw so many people come. young, middle aged, old. and i felt a rush of gratitude towards them who came, those who spent 15 minutes for their country.
Though we had only 45% voting in our constituency, i would still like to thank those 45% who took pride in excercising their primary right. the right to vote!

I am right here!

I almost gave in. I almost lost.
This day almost got to me.
Into the air my hands I tossed.

Almost walked away. Almost Cried.
Almost threw caution into the wind.
Happiness for myself, I almost denied

Almost... Then...
I felt a brush of love against my face.
Wings wrapped around me in a warm embrace.
I heard a whisper into my ear...

"Don't you ever give up, I'm right here."


~Pravs World~

back..

i am back. well, this time i hope to continue to write un-interrupted for a long time now. things at office were hectic but now that i have renounced upon the pillar leadership (with which my bosses are not happy) i am actually living with less stress and tension. i am finding time to think about my regular work and getting it completed on time as well (grin).
being a pillar leader was not bad actually. no one ever thrashed me for anything (being new in the company, being the youngest of the lot and ofcourse being a girl was the reason for that). infact it was more of a priviledge being a part of the STC - thats the steering committee of our company. yeah yeah, sounds great. but if no one's thrashing you doesnt mean you are relieved of all responsibilities. infact that gives more stress (at least to me) because then, your responsibility is higher.
nonco-operation from the team members was a major issue (well no points for guessing why there was nonco-operation in the first place) which took a toll in February 09 when i finally declared my state and told my boss that i cant continue like this and some actions need to be taken ASAP.
well, soon after our annual function of the company, the big boss called me and talked to me. the first ofcourse it was all 'congratulations, great news' etc (well i am refering to the news that i am pregnant!). and then came the question which was entirely unexpected. 'so whats your plan next?'.
Me: 'next? well i am planning to come till August 09 and then take the maternity leave'
BB: 'okay, and you are planning to join back right?'
Me: Baffled. i couldnt think of any way to answer that question. 'well ofcourse i am joining back. it is very clear with the husband and the family that i am going to continue working. (and if i dont, who's going to pay my car loan and what about my wish of having a place of my own???? this i asked myself, and said 'unless ofcourse you dont want me to join back!' which was again to myself!!)
BB: No, no, its just that we have to ask this question you know because we have to plan for your replacement. we had also asked SR (my colleague who is currently on maternity leave). its ofcourse good to hear that you are going to join back!(yeah.. good to hear this as well!)
So then, its officially out since feb end. and i am getting due services. its easier to get heard and get the work done. people in the office are really taking good care of me.
well, see the paradox. people at the place i dont want to call home, are least bothered. except the husband ofcourse.
i had hear that during pregnancy everyone tries to feed things you like and behaves the way is preferred to you and is nice to you and tries to keep you happy all the time. i was stupid enough to expect this from my in-laws. not even a flickr of smile on their faces when we told them the news!
and now they have started to paint the house. i am taking medicines so that i dont have a problem of dust allergy during pregnancy and my in-laws are taking full care that i do suffer from this problem.
well, its really annoying you know! so now the husband has finally agreed that we need to move out and we are planning to do so in the next couple of weeks. i am far away right now from being happy or anything. what i only feel is immense hatered for those two people who are totally unconcerned about their son and his child who is to be born in a few months time. well, i never expected them to be concerned about me so no complaints there! what they are just doing is taking me ahead to a path of severing relations with them forever.
The husband will obviously forgive everything within a couple of weeks time and be entirely himself again. but me? i am finding that to be increasingly difficult at the moment.
anyways, so on this bitter note, i am going to end my post. and i hope that from now on i do try to write more regularly.
(for all the confused souls, the husband=S=Sushil) *wink*

I have learned that...

I've Learned...
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've Learned...
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've Learned...
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've Learned...
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've Learned...
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've Learned...
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've Learned...
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've Learned...
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've Learned...
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've Learned...
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've Learned...
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've Learned...
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've Learned...
That money doesn't buy class.

I've Learned...
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've Learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've Learned...
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've Learned...
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've Learned...
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've Learned...
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've Learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've Learned...
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've Learned...
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've Learned...
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've Learned...
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've Learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've Learned...
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've Learned...
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her, one more time, before she passed away.

I've Learned...
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've Learned...
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've Learned...
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've Learned...
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've Learned...
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've Learned...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've Learned...
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.


~Words by Andy Rooney~

But not you!

Let others lead small lives, but not you.
Let others argue over small things, but not you.
Let others cry over small hurts, but not you.
Let others blame their sufferings on some one else, but not you.

Let others leave their future in someone else's hands,
But not you!

~Pravs World~ (With a small addition from me!!)