Loud TV, people raising their voice on top of the TV to get heard, but don't turn the volume down. either of the two people constantly occupying the sofa. the sofa being covered with strange colored cloth, news papers strewn everywhere... welcome to the house where i live. i don't call it my house because it is not my house. it is my in-laws house. and it is far from being called a home. evening doesn't bring the joy of going back to where i belong, because the feeling of belonging itself is absent. an incentive to return back is just that i would be with S.
things are planned ahead. things which S wants to happen desperately and is very adamant on. just today morning i heard a conversation of his parents and that made me feel so bad. if u have to see profit making parents, i can give the perfect example. business extended to family as well. with this realization came a resolute. a firm resolution for which i have to work. hard.
the thinking loop began and again i prodded my past to give me the answers of why i was so foolish back then and didnt do the things i should have done first given my background. for example, buying a house. i didnt do it then because i was so foolish (i cannot find any other reason). and i cant do that now because the prices are now out of my reach. had we done some systematic investment then, we would have been in a very comfortable situation now considering S's plans ahead. well, these are mistakes which are surfacing in front of me and telling me what a big fool i was, rather i am. Just thinking about all these things, i felt a knot in my stomach which is definitely fear. i am scared. of the things that lie ahead. scared of how we are going to manage. i hope it works out.
pray for me. for us.
