Renovating the house

Well, we are finally doing some changes in the house. There are a lot of things that need to be changed, but we have settled on redecorating the living room only for the moment. So yesterday, the entire day was spent in going around the city and exploring various shops. me and S were quite clear in our minds about what we wanted so the actual shopping did not take too long. Everything was finalized and we are getting half of the things tomorrow and the rest on next sunday. I was happy to have been given the free reign to do what ever i wanted and buy what ever i liked and that too by my ils (when this was said, i just stopped short of having an actual fit!). And well actually i was amazed with this sudden change of attitude and on top of that the readiness to sponser most of the things (i did need a bit of support to stand after hearing this)! i mean, knowing them (rather him) this was entirely unexpected in this lifetime. MIL wasnt entire convinced of his spending money and did retort saying that no redecoration was needed. but that indeed was a feeble retort and she didnt stop us in the end either. to cap it all, the sofa sets what we have selected are a bit trendy and out of the league of the conventional ones. well, they didnt seem to object that either! i was feeling.... well, cant describe in the right state of mind even.
I dont know what has caused these things. probably my patience paid off. probably Ss patience paid off. probably their happiness of going to the 'other house' (i doubt it though) paid off. whatever it is, i mean, this was a complete transformation.
i pray to God, for the first time for my ils: 'may the love, sanity and understanding never die!'
no one would ever imagine how jealous i felt on seeing an entire family together, laughing, enjoying. we never had this problem on my side of the family. Unfortunately, as sis isnt stationed in our city, our entire family get-togethers are limited. but we do make sure to make the most of them when we meet.
This attitude has always lacked on Ss side of the family. i dare say that it is almost stupid to expect this from b/sil and i know that they would never want to be family ever. but with this attitude change from ils, i do see a tinge of hope, a ray of light at the end of a long tunnel. I want to run towards it, grab it in my hands and never let it go... but i am afraid that by the time i manage to cross the threshold, it will just flicker out. I am afraid that someone will not be happy to see that i am managing to live happily. Someone who i feel has always been on a lookout to hurt me. someone, who feels that i am responsible for them to land up in a state they have. A fear, that is always lurking at the back of my mind. A fear that i would see the omen again.
But as i write these lines, my fear abates. My resolute comes marching forward along the widest highway of my heart and gives me hope. Gives me a new strength. A strength to fight my deepest fears. and there is a sudden warmness that floods my fingers which had gone numb writing those lines. A warmth that makes me think clearly and a fire which says that i am even ready to kill, if i have to, to stop any pain, frustration or anger from reaching S henceforth.....
yeah.. too philosophical. but its just what i feel. its just what i had in my mind and i spelled it out....
So back to redecorating the house (in my minds eye for the moment).... catch ya all later.......